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#252694 - 10/03/08 07:26 AM just when you THINK it's over
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
For the first time in at leat a year last night i had ANOTHER F$%^&* nightmare and it was pretty typical per se in and of itself yet only this time i was not only being chased and couldn't get away but i somehow was able to see a cop and i asked him,actually i begged him.to help me and he looked at me and said ..."screw son i'm on break".....

I was horrified and so scared i could actually see and feel the utter fear in my tone,and my inability to run away so "whoever" it was that was chasing me couldn't catch me.

My wife just woke up after my telling her about my nightmare and made an amazing obervation ....my brother who i have had virtually no kind of relationship over the years who i invited to our wedding gave me a gift of a photo album of me as a child and a baby book of entires that i have been looking over the past week since i was married....therefore perhaps that's why i am having such a hard time sleeping ...who knows it's only a thought....yet very insightful nontheless....this big chunk of my past i knew NOTHING about has now forced me to look at it for what it is....a blur....does this make sense i sure think it does....? ? ?

I realize i have had ALOT OF STRESS lately up to and inclding my wedding and being married this past saturday but also i am not on a mood stablizer and my anxiety and emotions and the fear around being loveable but also the fatc my wife loves me so much it blows me away .....

I'm not sure where i'm going with this all i know is:

Will i ever not have nightmares

Is this how it's going to be everytime i am overloaded and stressed out i'll therefore have another episode like last night

Why now after all this time with not even the foggiest of memories and / or nightmare(s) am i having them yet again

Alot of my life has dramatically changed in ways in the last 6-9 months, not to metnion now being a married man whose wife loves me the ends of the earth,that i never thought could / would exist for me...

I am now reduced ( per usual ) after i have a NM that the rest of my day virtually always leaves me frazzled ....i'm not sleeping either lately...


i guess im still going through my process...

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#252696 - 10/03/08 07:50 AM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: thecoopstah]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
coop, what was stolen is lost and gone forever. i guess the best thing you can say about the situation is that you are not alone anymore, and you don't have to face the problem alone. two people sharing in carrying the weight. there is that blessing to be counted. i hope things calm down for you soon.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#252716 - 10/03/08 10:13 AM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: Sans Logos]
NatureDrum Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 116
Coop,
I'm sorry you've had another nightmare.

Our past is a part of us. As we keep moving forward and reshaping ourselves we need to reshape around that past. The thing is to bring new positives into the mold- like a loving wife (congrats).

Peace to you,
Nat

_________________________
Negotiating the treaty for peace of mind.

My Story

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#252721 - 10/03/08 11:30 AM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: NatureDrum]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Coop,
Congradulations on your marriage. Yep Coop, we sure lost a lot and we'll never get it back. It sure takes a toll on us now, but we have to give that lost boy in us a chance at a better life in our adult years. We'll never forget it, and like it's mentioned we have shift to positives. I wish you and your wife well in coping with your nightmares. Heal well my friend.
Pete (irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#252755 - 10/03/08 03:58 PM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: petercorbett]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Coop,

That was insightful of your wife. Digging around in your past will bring things to the surface. But every time we are forced to solve another riddle in our recovery, that's another issue we can put to rest. This doesn't mean something that you've healed is reopened, it is probably the similar reaction to a new stressor, something else you need to deal with. It just really sucks that it rears its ugly head in such an unpleasant manner.

Hang in there Coop, you'll get by this so you can enjoy married life! Congratulations on finding someone so special.

Peace and love... and many happy years of marriage...

Michael


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#252846 - 10/03/08 10:47 PM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: M3]
elle Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas City
I've heard it said before that everytime you go through a new developmental stage in life, you revist your losses in life and go through it in a new way. Experiencing abuse absolutely comes with losses. Maybe, try to see this as a time to gain more growth and who knows, maybe it will be empowering in some way to revisit it and gain a better understanding. Lucky you to have a wonderful new wife. Congrats!!


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#252872 - 10/04/08 01:54 AM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: elle]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Hey Coop, I know how you feel. I too suffer from Nm, several times a week, and the loss of sleep that ensues. I had a nice six month break till aug. when my family rented a place in Maine. I went along without checking any details. As it turned out the rental was about 10 miles from the summer camp where a lot of my CSA occured. I had a total meltdown and required hospitalization. Since then nm again. So I know the past can bring those back. The bright side is you get to wake up next to someone you love that loves you. good luck. Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#252874 - 10/04/08 02:03 AM Re: just when you THINK it's over [Re: thecoopstah]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

Perhaps the NM has nothing to do with CSA, it merely reflects your inability to handle the incoming emotions/situations in the present, you getting overwhelmed and trying escape, but then can you ever? And hoping the police (a saviour), to handle situations for you.... Perhaps you've been ignoring your emotional health for a while, and not addressing the issues coming up lately especially in the wake of new changes in your personal life!

Turning around and Facing it, is the only way to 'turn around' any situation, as in real life, as in the dream land.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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