I got a copy of the Oprah magazine with the article about survivors and their families and suggested to my husband he might want to read it. He said no, he didn't see why he should. He really doesn't want to talk about the CSA or think about it. I realize I should have left it at that. But I (stupid, stupid me!)tried to explain why I thought he might find it useful to read about other people's experiences.(Big mistake). We both went to sleep rather ticked off. The next day he was withdrawn and silent and wouldn't let me touch him in the morning. I felt really bad about it, but after work he asked me where the magazine was. I gave it to him and said that he really shouldn't read it unless he wanted to. Finally he just yelled, "give me the damn magazine" and I did. He read it and was silent. He said, "I don't really relate to those guys at all. I'm not angry" and that was all. I know it upset him terribly and I'm sorry that I brought the stupid thing home. Last night I really got the silent treatment, again he didn't want me to touch him and so on. This morning he said if I ever brought it up again he was going to leave. He said evytime I brought it up he felt victimized and he wasn't going to take it any more. I thought he meant he was going to leave me. He got angry that I would think that he would leave over that. So basically, he's angry. I think he's probably suffering inside. I've apologized many times through all of this, but I don't think he has or can hear me. I could kick myself for being so insensitive and thoughtless. I really was trying to help, but I've made things worse for him. I know this probably isn't as awful a scenario as some on this board are living through, but I feel absolutely physically sick about it. I haven't gone to confession in years but I was thinking of going so that someone could give me absolution, maybe. I think he'll get over this, but I didn't want to bring him any more pain than he already had (his abuser was his dad). I don't know how I can ever make this up to him. Somebody tell me something please, even if its only to tell me what a true jerk I was.

Therese,

I think he'll get over it. But you did stir up some powerful emotions that he has probably spent years trying to not feel. It will take him time to get back to that place.

But I also think that you may have stirred something in him to think about getting support. Men don't like to be told they need support and work better coming to that conclusion on their own. Maybe with time, this will be the catalyst for him to take action, but that will be in the future.

Does anyone know the rule for how many days we are supposed to wait to take the advice of a woman but be able to say it was our idea?

Peace and love Therese, don't be too hard on yourself, you only showed him you care...

Michael

Dear Michael (M3?)
I do hope you're right. We are supposed to be going to dinner tonight (planned it a week ago as trying to "work on our marriage"). I think things might be awkward. But, you never know. I'll hope for the best.

Thanks you so much for making me feel better.
Therese

Therese, I've heard it over and over again about guy's dealing with with their past. "Only when they are ready". Alot of guys always ask "why now?" why after 20, 30, 40 years is this stuff coming up. The answer's is always "because you were ready to deal with it".

Back off Therese, you're motives are pure and you're intention's are good, but he WILL not look at his past until he is ready.

Hate to say this, but you kind of have to wait it out.

By him actually telling you about his past is great evidence of him coming to the point of wanting to work on it, but you pushing it is just a huge mistake in my eyes.

I would have abondoned God myself if he made me look at it before I was ready.

Stay strong
Mike

Therese,

You're not a "true jerk!" Things could have been handled differently, but they weren't. You know better in your head, but you let your heart take the lead. I can't blame you for that, no one can. We've all made mistakes, some big some small, but we get past them. Now you know and won't do that again. Now if you see something you'd like him to read, (not in the immediate future, I think) leave it lying where ever you were when you were reading it. He might pick it up, he might not. Like Mike and Michael said, he'll do something when he's prepared to and not one minute before.

In the meanwhile, keep working on your marriage, that is what's important for the two of you right now. Just the act of doing that forces self examination for both partners which will hopefully be the catalyst for him to start dealing with csa issues.

I hope dinner turned out well tonight.

ROCK ON.........Trish

Hi Therese,
Hope your meal went well.
Please don't be too hard on yourself, I have made your mistake many many times and only time will tell whether it was for the greater good or not.

Whilst I totally agree with the fact that people will not get help until they are totaly ready, it took my own husband 15years to begin therapy with some dedication even though we experienced many bad times as all of the families of the board will have done.

But I also think that one of the hardest things to deal with as a partner is that things are not always black and white, for instance my husband in particular has always needed a lot of persuasion to do anything, he will rely on me very often to push him into things (good and difficult experiences ) then thank me afterwards for giving him encouragment, if I hadn't been pushy he would not be in therapy now and would not have laid some of his skeletons to rest (although its a long and tiring road),

But there lies the problem, because there is a line not to be crossed and how as partners do we know where that line is, when does encouragement turn to push, and when does your husbands discomfort/reluctance turn into full blown meltdown.

For us it's helped to discuss the fact that this happens and there is blame on both sides, my husband has acknowledged that he can pick and choose when he wants to take advice but he can't blame me for not realising that he doesn't want advice and he has acknowledged that sometimes it's appropriate for him to trust me and take a risk on what Im asking even if he doesn't believe it will help.

He has also acknowleged that I don't know where the line is and will get it wrong.

I've acknowleged that I need to think what my motives are when I want him to do something, I've acknowleged that recovery is a long process and to take joy in the minute improvements, and I try to spot the warning signs that Ive gone too far.

I hope you get back on track soon, try not to worry it may be something you just have to go through.

Regards S

Therese,

I empathize greatly and I do admire the quality of your love for your husband. He's a blessed man indeed.

That being said, You are too close to this to be his therapist and peharps you don't quite realize it but that is what you are trying to do - FIX HIM. Only he can that - when and if he's ready.

Eerytime you approach him with your suggestions or your comments or your questions, you make him feel exposed and vulnerable so he retreats into the shell of his silence so as to feel safe.

So what do you do? Get the support that you need to help you cope with such a very complex, difficult and painfull situation. Take care of you. Only your husband can take care of him!!!

Your fellow journeyman,
Joel