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#252454 - 10/01/08 07:35 PM Thoughts on Apology
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
This thread was inspired by AndyJB's .

There are "good" & "bad" apologies, "languages" of apology & we all have our preferences too.
Some of us need a simple admission of wrong doing.
Some of us need a detailed inventory of every wrong action.
Some of us need to hear the other person aknowledge our feelings or experience in ways that are meaningful to us.
Some of us need to hear & feel genuine remorse.
Some of us need reassurance that it will never happen again & what the consequences will be if it does.
Some of us need restitution as in financially or spiritually or even criminally.

Think back to the last time someone apologized to you successfully & see if any of this resonates.
Or to the last time you apologized & whether any of these were involved to a degree.
There's a great book on "Languages of Apology" for anyone interested. (Most public libraries carry it as well)

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#252473 - 10/01/08 08:25 PM Re: Thoughts on Apology [Re: ineffable]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
For as on target as this is, will it give me back the years that I've lost, nullify my anguish or even make me a whole person? You see there is my problem with the apology thing. The person offering a sincere apology needs to understand the impact of what his actions and/or words have had in my life. Otherwise...

Your fellow journeyman
Joel

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#252477 - 10/01/08 08:30 PM Re: Thoughts on Apology [Re: joelRT]
ak Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
It seem to me that people will go into things, like confrontations or dealing of apologies, with wanting the results to happen as on their 'terms'. And we can not do it, because we have no control of another person.

It seem to me that anyone who desire such a thing only on their terms, is rather doom to not get it.

Andrei


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#252482 - 10/01/08 08:47 PM Re: Thoughts on Apology [Re: joelRT]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hi Joel

Andy's post had to do specifically with an apology leading to forgiving our perpetrator.
That was the main reason I started a different thread with thoughts on apology on a broader scale.

To me, apology is a precursor to forgiveness.
Knowing what elements of an apology might lead to my being able to even entertain the possibility of making an
extremely difficult albeit life changing choice is worth identifying & exploring.
It also allows me to feel like I can reclaim some of my "power" & a degree of "control" for want of better terms.

For the purpose of dialogue or going deeper...

You mention being given back the years you lost among other things.
It sounds like restitution is something that would be important to you?
Nullifying your anguish.
Receiving acknowledgment of how much their actions have caused you suffering, affected your wholeness?

C

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#252634 - 10/02/08 06:45 PM Re: Thoughts on Apology [Re: ak]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hi Andrei, thanks for responding

It's complex isn't it?
Accountability, integrity, admission of wrong doing & a desire to make amends.
I agree we can't expect to have everything including an apology only on our terms.
Takes two to tango.
Friendships/relationships are shifting negotiations sometimes, like boundaries.
Flexibility helps & is a quality I try to be mindful of.

For myself, if I have done something to offend or upset someone, it serves both of our shared interests/values (as friends?)
for my apology to be meaningful & sincere, IMIO.
Do you have any memories of any insincere apologies?
I sure as heck do.
I also can't speak for what that would entail for the other, but it would be something I'd like to know.
It also doesn't mean I would be capable either, but at least a choice is there?

My past experience has been when I am offered something like "here it is, take it or leave it"
I would leave it & the friendship behind
(gee guess i ain't infallible eh?)

C

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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