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#251301 - 09/26/08 07:49 PM Why?
Me2 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/28/08
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Why?

Why do I feel so lonely?
Why do I feel empty and dark?
Why do sunsets make me sad?
Why do sunrises make me restless?

I long for closenessóintimacy
To touch and to feel connected
To love without anxiousness
To adore without being afraid of the price

Why doesnít my partnerís love get through?
Why arenít his kisses enough?
Why isnít his embrace safe?
Why do I not think he sees me even when I share his bed?

Why is porn more satisfying instead?

Why does a stranger intrigue me so?
Where does the image on my computer allow me to go?
Why canít I say love me like this?

The mystery and pressure should all fade away.
I want to make love and laugh and do it all day.
I need to fall asleep secure in his arms.
Allow my heart to rest without fear of harm.


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#251310 - 09/26/08 08:26 PM Re: Why? [Re: Me2]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Quote:
I want to make love and laugh and do it all day.
I need to fall asleep secure in his arms.
Allow my heart to rest without fear of harm.

Well said. Thank you. Michael


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#251332 - 09/26/08 09:41 PM Re: Why? [Re: M3]
TNT8lost Offline


Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 18
Loc: OK, USA
i have the same issue so you aren't alone.

_________________________
Thomas T.

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#251386 - 09/27/08 04:36 AM Re: Why? [Re: TNT8lost]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Me2,

Can you see that your poem in a way contains the answers you seek? A survivor often finds porn and acting out more attractive because they seem to pose less danger. If you go online, for example, or find someone in a bar or whatever, you are in control - you can continue or walk away at any moment and nothing has been lost. Your feelings are not at risk.

But with your partner in the bed you share, it's very different. What he thinks and feels about you matters; he is in a position to cause you harm because he is important to you. So sex and other acts of intimacy seem very risky. There are so many "what if" issues involved. Trust and betrayal matter when you actually care about the other person and want them to feel the same about you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#251434 - 09/27/08 11:59 AM Re: Why? [Re: roadrunner]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
I can relate, Me2. When I'm using porn for gratification, I'M in control, NO ONE else. If I act out with a male stranger, its of my choosing...again, I'M in control. I can walk out in the middle if I choose.

One issue I have is (probably resulting from my abuse)hypersexuality. I could, and often do, masturbate 3 or 4 times a day. My wife has her own issues from childhood abuse, and sex is not something she sees as a daily occurance. At times during our 23 year marriage, we have literally gone for months without sex. I'm not going to force myself on anyone, especially not my wife, who I love dearly. We're adults. My wife is in control of her body. So, it's just easier to find a porn site or dating site to find another willing participant. Well put, Larry.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#252503 - 10/01/08 10:35 PM Re: Why? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Thank you so much for the poem! I have gained a lot fro it an have gained a lot from the replies.

Thank you Larry for your reply. It could not have been more on target with what I am facing.

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#252563 - 10/02/08 10:21 AM Re: Why? [Re: Logan]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
the pain is so great that we need to eroticize it so it wont hurt that much...


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