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#251891 - 09/29/08 05:41 PM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: petercorbett]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Good for you petercorbett, better late than never!!!! Enjoy this new life with your wife, you both deserve it!


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#252486 - 10/01/08 08:53 PM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: petercorbett]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Love is a state of mind.
Good evening All,

For me:

Love is unselfish but not self-less.

Love can only arise and survive where there is mutual respect, esteem, and affection.

I'd love to share with you a de>
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Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#252526 - 10/02/08 03:48 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: JustScott]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Since when is love a decision?

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#252528 - 10/02/08 04:05 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: JustScott]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
I am utterly repulsed by this topic. Love is definitely not a decision, and to those who claim so are only telling the rest of us that we're doing something wrong. I didn't make the decision to love my partner or my son. I love them simply because I cannot help it.

I can only assume how fucked up a person would be if they are constantly told to "make the decision to love me." Rubbish!

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize (don't patronize me)

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight (and I will give up this fight)

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dfd7a1hEJf0

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#252543 - 10/02/08 07:42 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: NY Daisy]
new csa Offline


Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
i ampathise with how you are feeling, this is my 4h relationship with a victim of csa. it feels so increadibly insecure to be in the position that my lover could just decide tomorrow that its all over. then i start to question whether she realy loves me or just needs to have someone. no matter how strong the reassurances. but i have noticed that no matter what she says her actions speak the loudest. We parted ways when we first got together for a few months. we were travelling together and she got the opportunity to go with some other girls to a place she realy wanted to go. I told her to take the offer as quite frankly i was terrified of having my heart broken. she left saying that if she goes now then its over. it hurt soo much, all of em wanted her to stay but i just had to tell her to go, i rationalised that i did not want to interfear with her dreams.
two months later i called her and told her i was in love with her and wanted to get back together, she came and then we lived together for a few months to earn money to travel to her homeland. now i am here and it has been a crazy rollercoaster since i committed myself. i knew from the beginning it would be tuff but i also wanted to heal myself and for her to heal so that i can have the romantic love of my life that i have always wanted. Before i comitted i did not want to be tied down until i felt i was healed and she always wanted committment where as i feared it. now since i have committed its is i who lives day to day worrying that she will just change her mind overnight.

also since we got back together a problem i never new existed immediately reared its head. she has times when she wants sex and loves to have sex with me, tells me it is good (and is honest enough to admit that it is potential and she has had better experiences.) but suddenly her body freezes and she blocks love. she describes it as a wall surrounding her. that she put it there and has had her frustrated for years, ever since her first sexual partner, with every partner except one that she saw rarely and never made advances.

I can feel when she closes, and it hurts me so much. i can see that she has soo much confusion in her head and at times i grow impatient waiting for her to confide with me. but I know that i cannot expect that and it will come as a gift if she chooses to disclose.

she decides when sex will happen, i respect her when she says no, and we are openly communicative, i have learned through discussion and experience to read some of her non verbal prompts to stop.

i too am a survivor of CSA, and have only had the memories come back to me today. while exploring pages about sexual abuse to better inform me of what to do, i was also looking for stories from other partners of CSA survivors that described my issues. as i read i felt more and more pennies drop for me and have had full memory of 2 CSA situations. unfortunately i am of the Love = hurt = fear kind and feel that i have to satisfy my partner physically to feel secure in a relationship, meanwhile she is of the physical barrier to sex, emotion etc. which means my coping mechanism is in conflict with hers and they both play off each other. this is a good thing because it makes us conscious of our problems and both of us wish dearly to be freed of our hanguyps so that we can love each other without the murk and emotional programming that comes between us.

may divinity help us to clean our souls, forgive our sins, open to love and see our problems as little gems that awaken us to our full potential.

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new csa

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#252547 - 10/02/08 08:36 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: Brokenhearted]
new csa Offline


Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
[i]
BJK, Wow, when you say you have felt, "I don't deserve to have anyone love me", gee, I probably need to ask my H if that is what he thinks for himself too. Thanks for the idea.

NY Daisy, I know it is so tough to hang in there. Wow. I really hope for your sake that one day he can realize how much you care for him. And hmmm, it does make me wonder if 'you deserve better' is a cop-out.


NY Daisy - "Lastly if June's H was not abused, and she told us that her H wanted out of the marriage and he said, "You deserve better, it's not you, it's me." would we make allowances for him then or would we think he was a selfish ass?" This is the hardest part for me. My H WAS abused. But he is extremely cold/selfish/ass at times. Is it because of his abuse, or is it because he's just a jerk? Hard to know for sure. My heart wants to believe it is only b/c he was abused and that it has nothing to do w/ his real self. My head sometimes wonders. At any rate his selfish jerk-ness hurts a LOT.

I like that too : "I deserve better, not a different man."

if i may offer some insight, for me when i say to my parnter "you deserve better, i dont understand why your with me" theres a couple of things going on. firstly my feeling is of very low self worth which seems more obvious in the shining light of my lover. my mind thinks "tell me you love me" "is this real? is she telling the truth? there has to be an alterior motive" "Why me" "i love you soo much and could not bare the thought of my world again without you".

my suspicions having reflected alot on the issue are:

- I have heavy security around my soul and i need my lover to show me that she is with me without feeling obligated, i need to offer her freedom so that if she is not truly loving me i can keep the doors locked.

- yes this is a push to try to make her go away but deep inside its driven by a wish that true love will find the key and set me free.

- i have been and still can be very suspicious of my partner and i think that this is the child in me that has been hurt, i search and searh for signs that she is cheating on me as i cannot believe that she can be satisfied with me, it took alot of faith and trust to believe any of my partners when thay expressed that they realy enjoy sex with me. Now i am practising rational thinking with this but sometimes the emotional fear can be increadibly overpowering.

in conlusion i must agree with everyone that you are a godsend to this man. And i believe that you are in his life because all he has ever wished for is who you are.

I am truly blessed with my own godsend. and my thinking is that my GF is in my life because i have prayed, wished and cried soo many tears to have a person whom i can openly trust and share my true soul with. no masks. no barriers. and to show that soul takes alot of courage and hard work.

next time he says he doesnt know if he loves you, dont try to talk to him about it, love is a feeling and cannot be expressed clearly in words. rather be concious of when you are feeling the love and you can see the shine in his eyes that tells he is opening up because he loves you and thank him for it and thank yourself for leading the way and opening to him.

when i close down to my partner showing me love, i get so angry that she is loving me, because all i want is to be alone and unloved but the simple touch of her hand on me full with compassion dissolves the barriers and i am feeling love. it may not happen straight away but be vigilant, think of the times when you have most experienced that beautiful feeling, feel it flowing through your whole body, focus the love into your hands and touch his heart.









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new csa

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#252551 - 10/02/08 08:56 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: NY Daisy]
new csa Offline


Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
from my own experience its when my love partner is threatening to leave that i feel the drive to improve. It is a blessing that my partner has problems caused by a csa and fears committment as my love for her drves me to become a better person and step out of the shadow into the light.

i wish to be the man that creates a beautiful healthy love with his partner so that i can accept security and happiness and love in its purest forms

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new csa

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