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#252540 - 10/02/08 06:45 AM i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor
new csa Offline


Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
i was raped by a 26 yo woman when i was 17&1/2. i was drinking and ended up sleeping with a woman in the house where i lived, it was my first real sexual experience. at first it was ok, we had no condom and this already made me hesitant but i kept going, then i started to experience pain and got off her but she jumped on me, i couldnt stop her i just froze. then she kept coming back that night for hours, i was terrified and felt powerless. the following night i had a schizophrenic episode that saw me admitted to an institutuion for 3 months, i new the event was a catalyst but only now after researching sexual abuse to gain a better understanding for my girlfriends repocussions from a csa i started to notice some correlations with me. in particular paranoia, uncontrollable fear, isolation, numbness with the addition that my paranoia thought someone was going to kill me for something horrible i had done. the reason changed often but the same people where in the same roles often.

this then led me to remember another situation when i was about 8, i went to a friends house and was raped by him in his bedroom. He was very forceful and used all his body weight on me o prevent me from escape. he then told me it was sex and that it feels good.

and now i have the suspicion that my own mother may have raped me when i was very young, i remember talking to my older sister at the time and showing her what had happened. this is all so fresh and i have only just cracked it now at the age of 30, i have continually had problems with fear of my partner cheating on me and almost all of my serious relationships have been with abusees. i had an std check when i was 18 - 19 and and have had unprotected sex with many of my long term partners. now i am fully aware of the importance i will get a new std test and will only practise protected sex until given the all clear.

can anyone suggest anything for me aside from therapy (as i am thoroughly aware of its importance)

how can i get healing?


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#252541 - 10/02/08 07:11 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
New CSA,

You have taken a big step by coming here in your healing. I was 42 when I discovered I was a csa.

Comming here you will find, love, respect and the support you have needed your whole life to heal the hurt child inside. Being able to reveal some of what happened here itself is a great start. You will find some great people here with tremendous insight.

You can work with people here and get a referall to a good therapist, key, you can vent your frustrations here and you can ask any questions you have.

CSA I know I did not give you a step by step process to recover in this post but healing happens differently for many people, find a therapist, develop a support network and use this site and the community here to help you along the journey.

Thanks for your willingness to share and please return whenever you want to and reach out to us.

My honor, respect and love

Dave


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#252542 - 10/02/08 07:13 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hi New CSA,

Welcome amongst us, I'm sorry that you had to find your way here but glad for you that you did. Many of the men here have been raped by women and will be able to offer you some valuable insights. Take your time to look around here, read the posts, check out the Survivor Stories Forum and then make up your own mind.

I think you will find that you are among friends here, guys who relate to what it is you have to say, guys who don't judge or take you lightly, guys who speak your language and who commiserate with you pain. MS was for me (and many guys are nodding in agreement as they read this) the lifeline that I was so desperatly needing. Did MS fix my problems? No, I'm doing that. MS did give me a safe place to do the work on myself that I've been needing to do, however, and for me that has been invaluable.

Your fellow journeyman,
Joel

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#252544 - 10/02/08 07:52 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: joelRT]
new csa Offline


Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
thankyou dave an joel

i already feel a relief that i have found somewhere to open to others who have experiences. i have already found many stories i feel a connection to and look forward to growth and heal

New CSA

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new csa

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#252570 - 10/02/08 11:43 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
James909 Offline


Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 8
Loc: ny
New CSA.
You should be proud of the courage you demonstrate by making that post and taking the first big step. I took the same step yesterday and was truly frightened about the outcome. The biggest fears I had about making my post would be that no-one would believe me or even worse, no-one would care. The responses I received were filled with encouragement and relief that I was not alone in the experiences I went through or in the subsequent issues I dealt with afterward.
I am not sure what advice to give you to help navigate other than to stay strong and know that whatever has happened to can be healed. Write you story and post your concerns and questions as they come up. Like you, I have no idea where to head in this process but it certainly seems like there are many people posting here who are well equipped to help.

Stay Strong


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#252584 - 10/02/08 01:32 PM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: James909]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
New CSA,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor and congratulations on taking your first steps towards recovery! As others have pointed out, take your time, read, post and take in the wealth of knowledge and wisdom that are on this site.

You ask about starting the healing process. Here is a thread that you should look at because there are a lot of suggestions for beginning your recovery.

Hope this helps! Peace and love... you are with friends...

Michael


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#252588 - 10/02/08 01:59 PM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: M3]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
This a good place to get a lot of support, understanding, and even a life-changing insight or two. At least it was 4 me. Hope you find as much healing here as I have.


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My Art

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