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#252531 - 10/02/08 04:26 AM Fear and letting go
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
I've been spending a rather large amount of time reading posts on the forums here. There is more warmth and comfort here than anywhere I've ever experienced before and I am grateful beyond words.

I decided to post this here rather than in Male Survivors because, quite frankly, I fear posting it there.

Fear has been the cornerstone of my life. It's the only emotion, other than anger, that I can recognize and respond to. Much of my fear involves men, but straight men are for more frightening due to childhood experiences with hate.

How does one work past fear? I recently have relegated the only real "best friend" I've ever had to acquaintance. We were at his apartment, had a couple of beers, and he hit on me. That didn't freak me out as badly as the realization that I was interested. Since that time I've barely even chatted online with him. This really disturbs me as he's the best friend I've ever had, but I can't help being afraid of it. First he is straight which leaves me confused about why he hit on me. I've worked this around in circles until I'm going a touch batty from it.

The second thing I'm dealing with right now is how to "let go". I read the excellent thread on forgiveness started by Lewis in the Male Survivor forums. For me I can't forgive the perp as he's now dead. I am trying to let go of that and many other things (including severe emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my father) but that's easier said than done. To this day I can only stand being around my father for a few minutes every year or two.

The therapist I went to while in school told me that I keep focusing on working "around" issues rather than dealing with them - which sounds suspiciously like it's fear manifesting as avoidance. Basically, I can see the problems, I just don't know how to solve them.

All of this together keeps me in a state of near depression on the best of days. I view my life as a miracle of survival, and yet can't help but remember the dreams I once had and look at it as something of a disappointment.


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#252538 - 10/02/08 06:07 AM Re: Fear and letting go [Re: Joren]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Quote:
First he is straight which leaves me confused about why he hit on me


I find that the "straight" guys who hit on us are usually looking to get serviced. They aren't into having sex with us as much as they want to get off by us. Straight guys don't consider being serviced by Gay guys as a form of sex - it's like it doesn't really count, which is how they justify it to themselves.

Did he try to kiss you? Tell you how much he's been dying to make love to you? Tell you how curious he is about how it would feel to perform on a guy? Tell you how much he's looking forward to sleep in your arms the whole night through? What kind of friend is it whose respect for you includes taking advantage of you?

My landlord has pulled the same stunt on me a couple of times, always being carefull to mention his wife and kids in the bargain.

As for forgivness - you can forgive your perp wether he be dead or living on an other planet. You don't have to be able to talk to the guy face to face. Forgiveness happens in the heart and is often a very private occurence.

Forgiveness is an act of will. It is me willfully choosing to let go of any and all resentment, anger, fear and any desire for retribution: "I, Joel, forgive you Rita-Jean, for all of the lies and the pain that you have caused me and I do so because I have the power to so. I will not be like you, I will not be the cause of someone else's pain, and I set you free from any debt that you owe me." Along those lines you know?

I have found that trying to get around my issues is to take the long way in dealing. The harder thing would seam to be to face them head on so as to resolve them, BUT, once we tire of trying to get around, over or under, we finally come to the realisation that the only way to fix the mess we're in is to face it head on. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, and you can't acknowledge what you're not looking at.

Your fellow journeyman,
Joel



_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#252546 - 10/02/08 08:33 AM Re: Fear and letting go [Re: Joren]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
hi Joren Sorry for the fear and confusion you deal with. Your friend may not be as straight as he says and you think. Most people think I am straight . That is not the case. If it freaked you out , are you afraid you are gay. There is nothing wrong with being gay Bi or straight. They are just labels telling us who we are supposed to have sex with or love. That does not mean you have to follow those labels. Talk to your friend. He may be just as confused as you and is afraid to bring it up. There is healing here. Keep looking!

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#252608 - 10/02/08 03:37 PM Re: Fear and letting go [Re: Davesc]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
Originally Posted By: Davesc
are you afraid you are gay


I've no question I'm gay at all, although I was almost completely unaware of this until around age 30. Before that I had zero sexual attraction to anyone due to lack of testosterone. Ironically, I did know that I found guys more fascinating to look at but didn't know how to put the pieces together to figure it out.

The real problem is that I think I actually hate what I am. Yes, I definitely fear it, but it goes deeper than that. My entire life I've lived in areas where gay is considered to be abnormal/bad/evil/etc. While I may know this in my thoughts, my emotions are something else entirely.

These feelings make it really difficult to decide anything and actually move on with my life. My wife is the only person I've ever had that has truly loved me, and I've had so little positive feelings towards me that I'm loathe to give that up. The fear I have for men because of the repeated abuse and the attitude I've seen demonstrated just sort of add to the whole mix.

I've thought this round and round in circles and finally realized that the problem is that I don't have enough facts to work with. I don't have any positive associations with males to rely on and am not sure how to go about establishing positive relationships with males.


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#252617 - 10/02/08 04:11 PM Re: Fear and letting go [Re: Joren]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Joren...you bouild possitive associations with males one at a time...there are many of us that feel like you...dont get discouraged...make friends...and form there you can build better relationships with males...try one at a time...i know the feeling of fear...i know the feeling of shame...but with time you can get to know someone who will understand you and love you....


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