The last few T appointments I've had have been very intense, very emotional and interspersed with bouts of dissociation. Today's session was no different and I had a job interview right after! Essentially what I'm focusing on right now with my T are my family dynamics. This got started with issues between my mom and I. I've distanced myself from her temporarily and mom is freaked out about it and feels like I am rejecting her. The latest VERY painful event is that she told at least two people about my CSA. This has distressed me and has caused me to be very uncomfortable when in the presence of these two people.

Now comes the really tough stuff (as if the stuff above isn't intense enough). I have been putting some pieces together of the puzzle from my early childhood. I have many memory gaps from my early childhood. One memory I've always had which has always puzzled me is when I was 6 years old (I think I said I was 5 in my story but my review of collaborating data reveals that I was 6. Anyways, the memory is of my grandfather naked standing at my bed. I was crying and he was putting the bed covers back over me. That is it, nothing else.

Now recently I have found out some new information and have pulled together existing information that I had not connected before. I have recently learned that my aunt, my mom's youngest sister, (one of the two people my mom told of my CSA) was also sexually abused. I don't know any details and even though she has reached out to me about it, I am not comfortable talking about it with her. At least not yet, maybe never. Nonetheless, I'd like to know who her perp was.

I have also examined my school report cards from around the time frame of the memory of my grandfather. My first grade report card shows that I struggled in many areas and also had difficulty getting started on assignments and working independently. My second grade report card reveals that my difficulties expanded to not being able to complete assignments, struggling with reading/writing/arithmetic and having interpersonal problems (not working/playing well with others, not respecting property and not assuming responsibility). I had to repeat second grade. I also know that I had to have speech therapy for some time in second grade

Now I don't know what happened after my first year of second grade but my second year 2nd grade report card shows that I was a model student (except for the speech therapy stuff). Funny thing is, I remember liking my teacher the first time I was in second grade and not liking the teacher the second time I did second grade.

Something took place at this time in my life and I don't know what it is. I cannot conclude that my grandfather perped me. I just know that there was something going on that disrupted my life. I have also briefly looked at my report cards when I was perped while I was (10-13). Though not as severe, the report cards did reveal some of the same behavior problems as my first year 2nd grade report card.

My T agrees that there is a strong indication of disruption and may possibly be an additional occurrence of CSA but so far it is not conclusive. My mom is also very protective of the past. She does not want to talk about it and gets agitated when it is brought up. I don't know. I just don't know but there is a mystery here and I have to fight myself from not getting obsessed by it.

Sorry for the long post.

Mike

You know Mike, I have spent the last Twenty + years piecing the puzzle of the past together from the bits and pieces that I had to work with. I have been able to fill in all of the blank spaces from various & multiple expert sources with very plausible secnarios and I am now satisfied that the picture I have before me is an accurate one. My curiosity has been satisfied, but still the impact of my abuse has not been lessened one iota.

I am not discouraging from persuing your answers, I'm simply saying to you that once I had done so - nothing changed for me. I was still the same guy with the same issues - I just knew more is all.

Perhaps for some, the extra knowledge can be a great help or comfort - that's sure what I was hoping for - but that is not what I got from it. I guess what I'm saying is that while you try and unravel your history and recover it's memories, try to maintain realistic expectations. Don't set yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.

Your fellow journeyman
Joel

(((Mike)))

Now I understand what has been bothering you. I'm so sorry. I agree with your T that the signs are there. The question is, how much energy to you want to expend trying to find the answer? I know that would be weighing heavily on my mind. I'm afraid to even tell you what went through my mind when I read this...

As for your mother, is she trying to be the victim to get attention? Don't think I've ever told anyone this story, but my mom did make one attempt to "help me" if that is really what you could call it. She decided that she wanted to find the football coach, she had been taken in by him so she had an ax to grind. She went around town, to the school, old teachers, classmates, etc. and asked them if they knew where he was because he tricked me so he could molest my son!

When I go back to that town I start sweating, can't breath, my body starts hurting like it did after he beat and raped me, panic, etc.... it's pretty ugly. If that wasn't bad enough, a whole bunch of people back there know about my CSA and not knowing who knows or if you are going to run into them just makes it worse. They held our 20th class reunion in a different town but I couldn't face my classmates because I didn't know how many of them my mom had talked too - and being a small town, you know how people talk.

Oh, sorry Mike... got carried away... LOL

What I'm trying to say is, what your mom did is wrong and that's really tough. Have you seen Ken's post on how parents can help their adult CSA children? You should e-mail that to your mom. Whether she was trying to cover something up, get attention, or whatever, it is inappropriate. In my opinion, parents can be part of the solution, or part of the problem, but it is difficult for them to be in between because I think we want them to commit one way or the other.

Hmmmm... I don't even think this post is coherent! LOL Anytime buddy, just PM me to get my attention and I'll pop over to chat and we can talk...

Peace and love...

Michael

Mike,

First, your post is just the right length, not too long and not too short. It's as long as it needs to be for you to express the things that are important to you to say. Bravo!

Second, expressing it as you have is a big step in bringing about resolution to this difficulty you're encountering. Speaking the unspeakable helps break it's hold on the psyche.

It's a funny thing, our memories of childhood events surrounding our abuse. It seems that for me every time I think I've remembered everything there is to remember something else eventually comes along that colors what I had previously understood, or adds another dimension to my understanding of those events. For me it's become less important what I may not remember as the way I react to it if and when the memory bubbles forth. If I can take those memories in stride when and if they come, learn whatever lesson I may need to learn, and move on to the next life's lesson, I feel I've done good.

Having said all that, I can sure relate to the not knowing, the fear that the next memory may be the one that blows me outa the water or solves all the things I've been fretting about. You'll see your way through this, Mike. You've been working so hard on all this and making a lot of progress. Just keep facing it as it comes. Dr. Kris will guide you through the tough stuff and we'll be here as well to help lessen the impact.

Just keep at it, Buddy.

Lots of love,

John