Just some thoughts on my part from the boy crying inside.
I just came back from a trip to visit a relative and friend in Texas. My relative is a cousin (more like a brother) he is 7 years my senior (76). And I told him my secret. But most of my time was with a military friend to whom was the very first to listen to me via e-mail when those long and deeply buried CSA memories surfaced and I had to get telling someone off my chest. Well I got understanding, compassion and love from both. Well my friend spent the most of 3 weeks together,we talked from dusk to dawn and beyond, drank gallons of coffee. We talked about my CSA and we talked about his wife who is ill and slowly slipping away. But the main point of this posting is about ME and missed emotions. Now how can one have miss something that he never had? The topic of his/our conversation was about when he was a young boy/teenager in Texas. He was telling me about dates with girls, school parties and petting and back seats of cars. He explained to me that they refered to various emotions with thier girl friends, some of whom only dated the same boy most of the time. Like a baseball game. First base was getting to their breasts, Second base was getting to their thighs, Third base was getting to their crotch, and Home run was---- (you get my drift). He was watching me and I was trembling getting choked up and tears were swelling in my eyes. Hey what's wrong? And I told him that I never had experienced any of that. I was always very shy and much of a loner. I never had a girl friend, I never had anything to do with girls period, EXCEPT when my primary perp had me and this little girl in a telephone booth and pushing our faces to his crotch, feeling us up and then having us rub each other together (clothes on). Then we went into the cellar together where he had raped me numerous times alone with him. Now as of now I cannot recall if he had me and the girl do anything either together or to him. My first female sexual encounter was at age 27 with a woman almost twice my age and she taught me everything there was to know about sex, there was no emotions involved in that. The very first and only emotional attraction was with a lady whom had become my wife, I was 33 yrs old. We have been married for 36 years. My CSA memories had surfaced in July of this year and came on with a vengence on 1 August, I was an emotional wreck, I was crying inside of myself, I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate (still can't) and am always bumping into things. Well on my third therapy session my wife was invited to participate, and she did. I had told her my secret a week before. I let her and my therapist do all the talking, I just kept my mouth shut. Well my wife let it out that she was going to leave me, she was fed up with the way that I had treated her in the previous 36 yrs and especially the way that she was being treated when those long deeply memories surfaced. I was meaner than hell with her, yelling giving her no attention, etc. But I had ALWAYS shown emotions to my/our son he's 35 and his two boys 7&8, AWAYS every time that I had seen them I tell them I LOVE THEM, I give THEM HUGS & KISSES, but maybe once in a blue moon do I to her. Well from that session, I looked deeper into myself and I told her that I did and still do love her, but I'll admit that the way that I had treated her was because those were the ONLY EMOTIONAL skills that I knew, I know now that they wern't right and as this boy crying inside and I get more into our therapy that we, the boy, me and her will try better and it sure would be easier for the boy, me and her to move on as one. As the sexual abuse provided by my mother, a friend of the family (primary perp) and some total strangers, sure had killed any emotions that a young boy would have had in a normal enviroment. We sure have paid a high price for others sexual pleasures. It is my hope that those of us in this web site eventually get some serenity that we all deserve. Thanks for listning, I just had to get this out of my system. Heal well my friends.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.