Terry,
First I'ld like to say to you and everyone here that I only say what I think and that it may not be true. I see a therapist weekly...yesterday...see a shink...take meds...and have seen lots of Pdocs and 3 dick doctors many times...where it is down to an inplant to get it hard and stay that way long enough to do my wife but I don't have any sick leave left to have the operation YET because I've been off for 3 operations in the last 6 months...2 that may have been caused by the "fisting"??????
First...does my wife know??? Yeah..she caught me 18 months ago telling the other guy how much I loved it...by hacking my E-mail. She strongly believes that her fisting me will stop me from "Going Gay" She has been doing it ever since....I stoped counting at 236 times a month or so back. I love doing it but it leaves me so sore the next day that she complains...BIG TIME...about my bitching. My ass is killing me...my tail bone hurts...my pelvis feels spread....guts hurt and I have a bad hangover from the Poppers that I have to huff to stop the pain while being fisted....Jungle Juice...put into a zipper-lock bag and hupped like glue...really gets you screwed up for about 10 minites...takes a week for you lungs to clear...by than I'm doing it again!!!!! We did it last Sat. night and I have a real bad and painfull flashback while she was fisting me...I decided to stop fisting for all the above reasons BUT today I'm falling apart...I only get 2 nights off every 7 days....may save me from killing myself...but it's "SO HEAVY" that I only do it when I'm off....today...tonight is night # 2....tried not to do it last night and didn't sleep all night....tonight is my last chance and I'm just falling apart!!!! Is it like you hear asked to the old man? How did you make it to 129? and he says "By smoking two packs a day..a 5th of Black Jack...and having my wife fist fuck my brains out once a week!
Homosexual desires and what I think: I have talked to a few guys and ladies who live out in the middle of no where and do it with dogs...horses and whatever! Something strange and very open was taking place...only the men would talk about this....When there was both sexes present...they would have sex with both!!!!! Then once a year or so run into a person...male or female...and have sex with them!!!!!!!!! Sounded good to me: People are people and sexy people are going to have sex with whatever or whoever that they get the chance to try and like!!! The world rags on having sex with the same sex.... so people are afraid to try it...so most arn't doing gay sex...but if the world put you down for not doing it...I think that most would fall in line! What i'm saying is that there are no gay people only gay sex and that people are just people and if left competely free to try all sex...most would do so. Gay men are called that by the world because they tried it...liked it and stayed with it...drop the same guy out in the middle of no where...it may take some time but most would find some kind of sex that they liked with whatever they were stuck with! I was raped lots of times...more the 236...don't know...but about half of it was done after they had druged me with whatever they had. From the flashbacks I noticed that when they gave me poppers to huff in a bag...it made being fucked in the ass feel real good and I liked it...even begged to be raped more and more...that's why I still feel like a little whore. I'm falling apart right now..trying not to do it...do you think it would matter who or what did it to me right now? Don't think that I can stop
One last thing: The therapist said that my dick won't get hard because my mind is stopping me from going out and doing what was done to me?

Eddie

I think the mark of a true man is being able to accept and love yourself for who you are and being able to feel and show appropriate emotions that are fitting for the situation.

I dont go much for stereotypes and i dont have a lot to prove to anyone, including myself.

Does that come anywhere close to answering your question?

I loved your question and your first post by the way!

Hugs,

John

Terry,
There seems to be different feelings about one's self. The SA married guys feel beat up about this manly thing...where as the gay guys feel great about being themselfs....this is what scares me the most...like The Rug Rats...Have a Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Day???? Is this the dirrection to happiest? SEX??? When I feel completly hopeless...I walk the park at night...Like the old Rolling Stone song...I was walking central park..It was late and it was dark...People said I was crazy....so sexualy fusstated...that I feel hopeless!
John...Last year after spliting with your wife...you were pretty nuts...then you came out...you seemed a lot happer...this is what scares all SA married men...can you say anything about this...seems like the most important thing that you could share????

Eddie

This is a good question. I think about that a lot. I think the stereotypes for gender are rediculous. A man who hides behind a facade of strength and is too insecure to show feeling is in a way, very weak. For us, its different, because we had very little choice as to the ways we were forced to adapt. Hiding behind masks is all i've ever known, because it was the only way to hang on.

But if being a man means being strong, id have to agree with that. But i think being tough is exactely what being a survivor of sexual abuse means.

In africa, there are a type of people called bushmen. If you want to know what it means to be strong, i think they are the perfect example.

A bushmans entire life revolves mostly around family. They are humble, egalitarian, and have one of the most happy and peacefull societies in human history. They have survived for thousands of years in an environment where your toughest, most bullheaded marine would probably die of thirst in less than a couple of weeks. Whats more they do it by respecting the amount of resources in thier environment, and respecting and caring for one another.

A few bushman still exist in africa, surviving in the desert. These are real people, of flesh and blood. If you met them you could shake thier hand.

To me, nothing is stonger or more masculine than being kind and mercifull.

i can no longer see masculinity within myself, and quite frankly i am comfortable that way. i despise te element in masculinity, it appalls me for some reason. i see myself as asexual , and an imbodiment of every gender, race, sexuality, everything. im a homgolous personality. i am like a universal representation. and i do this becaus its clearly the long term symptom of abuse...sometimes i wish there was something i could do to reverse this manner of perception and thought.....

I have not been on here for a few days now but I like these comments that have been posted.

I like the idea of being strong. I do not feel strong but having dealt with abuse in so many ways and having survived then YES I am strong too.

The comment about only Gay guys....I don't think only gay guys as you say can accept themselves. I am in this process. I am me. I do not fit the sterotype of "male" and as far as society defines it I probably never will. Because of my abuse I am dealing with feelings that I was not intended to have to deal with, yet, here I am in the mist of it all.
Terry

The Infero has put into words just what I feel about masulinity...Apalling...everything about it...sports, hunting, or whatever...hate it! I can relate to being asexual...after being raped for years, I became a biker for 15 years of staying drunk and high...not having any sex with anyone...not even one time! Was forced to stop biking...got married...then after 22 years and one kid later ..I start flashing. That's cool...made it thought 18 months of it ...then a month ago the flashbacks changed for the worst..Big Time!!! My mind wasn't showing me the pain which comes along with beig raped...so I felt bad about maybe liking it too much. Not now, I only have a few a week but they are a little too much to take...I feel so much pain that it makes me throw up. Now this puts me right back there...being a biker right after being raped for years...a lot more mean... then scared???? I feel jealous of gay men and anyone who knows their sex thing....the new found memories of my childhood have put me back at the begining...kind a hate everyone and everything. Masulinity to me, is the way they were...the older boys and men who raped me...I know that that sounds screwed up but that's the way it feels to me!!!!!

Eddie