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#252207 - 09/30/08 09:39 PM Is recovery taboo here?
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
You know, I am still working through my recovery, but I have made progress. I am not the same man I was four years ago.

But what I find here, repeatedly, is what I interperet as a sense of resentment and/or hopelessness.

What I try to share here is my experience, strength and hope. And also the frailties I still face.

Encouragement is fine and necessary. But why is achievement or progress making others feel even worse when what I am trying to do is encourage?

Because I WAS THAT HOPELESS MAN when this started and for many months afterward. But it was men and women who had made progress that encouraged me to keep fighting.

I want others to find what I have and what I will find as I continue my journey.

Many here have supported my stance that recovery is possible and not some pipe dream. But it frustrates me that I somehow seem to make others feel even more hopeless when I am trying to give hope.

Thank you for letting me vent about this.

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#252221 - 09/30/08 10:19 PM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: Tinman]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I'm not sure what has taken place to make you feel your post are hurting others but for me I am happy for you and love stories about success.

It does prove there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep on keeping on,

Maybe we should open a new forum for success stories so people don't have to feel as if they are bragging or going to make others feel bad.

What do you think?

Your brother in recovery,

John O

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#252224 - 09/30/08 10:45 PM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: John Oarc]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Paul,

You are a source of inspiration. Never give that up!

Quote:
Encouragement is fine and necessary. But why is achievement or progress making others feel even worse when what I am trying to do is encourage?

I know what you mean Paul, but I think your answer was in your post.
Quote:
Because I WAS THAT HOPELESS MAN when this started and for many months afterward.

During that time, did you read books about recovery and believe that it wouldn't work for you? During that time, did you hear encouraging things, positive things about yourself that you just didn't believe or even felt patronized by the person giving you the compliment? Didn't it take lots of encouragement, determination, and courage that built up over a long period of time for you to take that first step and really be ready to do the work in the correct frame of mind so you can make real progress on recovery?

Remember, some members are still in this stage and they need lots and lots of encouragement to proceed with their recovery. There are lots of individuals on this site that may not have access to a therapist, or have a therapist that isn't really qualified to be treating them. They could be discouraged by the lack of progress or just their current situation with job, housing, relationships, etc.

Don't take it personally! Just keep reaching out and they will grab hold when they are ready and able.

John's got a good idea. We have a Survivor Stories forum, maybe we should have a Success Stories forum where we can post the who we are now story. Survivors and Thrivers!! I think even survivors need to hear from the thrivers to keep us motivated to reach for greater levels of recovery.

Peace and love Paul. And as John said, "Keep on keeping on."

Michael


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#252259 - 10/01/08 12:48 AM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: Tinman]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Tinman
Many here have supported my stance that recovery is possible and not some pipe dream. But it frustrates me that I somehow seem to make others feel even more hopeless when I am trying to give hope.

Paul,

I understand your question and the reason's you ask it. On the whole I've considered your postings to be well thought out and quite supportive. I wonder if you or those who read your posts have thought about the fact that in the end everyone is responsible for their own feelings. You can only have an impact on others feelings if they allow you that hold on said feelings.

For instance, if you came in here trashing someone all that says is that you are not doing well, and no one should have to own those feelings you are expressing. Don't get me wrong, a person has an obligation as a member of this community to act with consideration of others, but if you act badly toward someone that says nothing about anyone but you.

On the other hand, if you're being supportive of someone in a post and they take it badly does that say anything about you, or is it more of an indication where they are in their recovery and their ability to "hear" what you're saying?

What I'm trying to say (and doing it badly) is that part of recovery is getting to the place where one is secure in who he is so that things said or done by others cannot shake a person. And sure, we should always take on board what we see and hear, examine it to see if it's applicable, keep what is, and disregard what isn't. That's part of being a good citizen. Likewise it is our responsibility to do the same when we're about to speak out on a given issue.

I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#252299 - 10/01/08 07:47 AM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yea paul, take what you need and leave the rest.

and john, your quote reminds me of another one: 'you can only be a doormat if you lie down'. what does that have to do with anything. who knows? it's up for personal interpretation, and isn't that what is at the heart of the matter here?

when i type stuff into these forums, i am trying to give my best service to a fellow victim/survivor, but at the same time i'm doing it for my own benefit as much anyone else's i guess, if i'm honest that is.

if someone gets something out of i share then that's great, if not, that's ok too.

i hope everyone finds a way to smooth out a wrinkle today,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#252301 - 10/01/08 08:08 AM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: Sans Logos]
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Paul,

Recovery is very possible. I am at the stage in my recovery were I know that I am well and there are still things that occur that remind me that I am always someone who had been abused. That does not mean that I am not happy and healthy, it is just that I react to situations as someone with a history of abuse.

Good news is that those reactions no longer define who I am nor limit my life. Bad news is that recovery is a work in progress. I now love the work required because I see the strength I have that has been developed by all that I have been through.

I just went to the Alta Weekend of Recovery, which was my 9th weekend. Not becuase I was fragile and needed to get stable, I went becuase I am looking for ways to have even more joy in my life. I can truly say my life is good and I want more of the good stuff.

Keep moving ahead with your recovery and sharing your progress. Just know that for some it is hard to imagine ever getting there. But a full, happy and joyous life really is possible for all of us. If I can do it so can anyone else.

I am so glad to have all my brothers here on the journey with me. You continue to inspire and encourage not to settle for Ok when exceptional is possible.

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#252315 - 10/01/08 09:19 AM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: Ken Followell]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
I like the idea of a forum for Success Stories. As I am writing this though I am thinking why not just include them in the Survivor Stories forum? It is all part of our stories. They would not have to be just big successes either. What about all the little successes we have had along the way? Just some random thoughts this morning.

Dale


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#252336 - 10/01/08 11:25 AM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: Elad 12]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
That thought crossed my mind too Dale. It really is part of our stories, that's why I continued mine into the aftermath because even once the abuser stops, the abuse doesn't really end because we continue it. But recovery is the next part of the story. Makes sense.

The only draw back I could find is if someone came here and was unable to deal with reading other's childhood stories, would we be good about indicating in the subject line which is which so they wouldn't accidentally read something they were trying to avoid. I know I would probably direct people to those stories frequently, but wouldn't want to traumatize someone more by having them read something they weren't ready for yet.

Which ever way it gets implemented, I really think we should start a movement of people posting their success stories. That really was a brilliant idea John!

Peace and love everyone...

Michael


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#252339 - 10/01/08 11:33 AM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: M3]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Every one's story is different...but there is help for all abused people...sometimes it might be harder, others not so hard...it depends on the type of abuse and the perps...as well as the victim...I am struggling to get better and healed..its a long journey...but I am not ready to give up!!!


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#252369 - 10/01/08 01:19 PM Re: Is recovery taboo here? [Re: Tinman]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Paul,

Recovery is possible! I started over ten years ago around my 50th birthday. I'm so much healthier mentally than I was then (physically, that's another situation!). I'm sure that some don't want to see how far others have progressed because they might think that it's just another failure on their part. I rejoice in the success of my fellow survivors here on MS, they lift me up when I'm down and help me realize how far I've come when I read of their struggles. I just hope to inform them on how I dealt with my struggles so that they too will have hope and progress through it. I hope that relating how someone has dealt with problems in the past is not seen as boasting but as encouraging; instilling in them the knowledge and confidence that it can be overcome.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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