Newest Members
jmr2191, autumn, tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom
12425 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
4 registered (don64, jmr2191, Jude, Anura), 24 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12425 Members
74 Forums
63808 Topics
445573 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#250530 - 09/22/08 02:38 AM In search of help
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
I just found this site this morning after delaying searching for a number of years. My situation is complicated enough that I need help, yet cannot afford "professional" help as I live in a low income part of the country.

Being new here, I didn't know if it would be appropriate to explain my situation or not as it could get quite lengthy. I'm 39 and so there is a bit of it.

I'm finding that what has happened to me in the past is having increasingly complex effects on my life. I've run from it long enough and it's time to deal with it, but I just don't know how.

If this is the right place, please let me know and I will explain in detail.

Thanks,
Joren


Top
#250531 - 09/22/08 02:51 AM Re: In search of help [Re: Joren]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Joren,

Welcome to Male Survivor! You don't have to run anymore. Take your time and read some of the threads. There is a very good chance that you will find others who are dealing with your same issues (whatever they are).

You are welcome to tell us your story but only share it if or when you are comfortable.

Again, Welcome to MS!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

Top
#250537 - 09/22/08 07:20 AM Re: In search of help [Re: Brian]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Joren,

I'm sorry that you had the need to find this place, but I'm glad you did. MaleSurvivor has been invaluable to my recovery and I hope you will find the information and friends you will make on this site to help you along the road to your recovery.

Yes, there are appropriate places to tell your story: Survivor Stories is a great place to read other's stories so you don't feel so alone and to post your own to free yourself of our secret and to help others get to know and understand you. Having shared experiences with other members is powerful.

If you want to talk about part of your situation, you can post them in Male Survival or if you feel they pertain only to the gay/bi community, post them here.

Talking help. Posting questions and reading the treads or using the chat room are all great ways to make connections and talk this out.

Peace and love...

Michael


Top
#250554 - 09/22/08 09:22 AM Re: In search of help [Re: M3]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow joren, so glad you found us!

go right ahead and start whenever you are ready.

no time like the present!

looking forward to getting to know you and to share in the healing from your suffering.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#250653 - 09/22/08 10:42 PM Re: In search of help [Re: Sans Logos]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
Thank you all for being so supportive. This isn't something easy to discuss as I'm sure all of you know.

I was recently (past 4 years) in college working on my bachelors degree. I was thrilled to finally complete it, but the benefit of being a student was free counseling. During this time I was formally diagnosed as a dissociative with DID. I don't think this will have any bearing here, but there it is.

I guess in order for everything to make sense, I have to start at the beginning. I'll try to keep it short but some sense of this is necessary to see where I'm coming from.

I grew up in a small town in the middle of nowhere in the south central US. Self proclaimed "buckle of the bible belt" and they live up to that mentality. Dad was a drill instructor in the US Army and as you can expect, wasn't the kindest person in the world. His worldview of "no son of mine is gonna be gay" was rocked when both of his sons and only children are. There was no love in our family at all. Growing up in this household taught me that "family" is the ultimate swear word. To this day I don't relate well to families, whether on tv or among other people.

There was some sort of major trauma to me shortly after my first birthday. Medical exams have shown that all the ribs on one side of my chest were broken, and that it had to happen within a year or two after birth. It would have been life threatening, but both of my parents have "no idea" of what it was.

So I grew up a bit. I learned that there was the right way, the wrong way, and dad's way and you can guess which was the most important. I learned that others have no value, but that they can harm you and so I became a loner.

A week after my 8th birthday I was raped the first of many times. A stranger moved in with his extended family down the street. The entire family were a bit weird and their two kids were the area bullies so I think there was a lot going on. The rapes happened 4-5 times a week for around 4 months and then he moved elsewhere. I don't know how old he was, but he was still in high school and at least 16 (had a drivers license).

What was cruel and truly messed with me was this. He got me to cooperate because he told me point blank if I didn't he would kill my mom. Mom was the only thing that kept me even remotely sane and I couldn't stand the thought of having to live with dad if mom wasn't around. So at 8 years old I chose to allow myself to be raped rather than risk living with my dad.

This whole thing left me convinced that "gay" as I then understood it was people who hurt kids and I began to hate them. It went so far in fact that when a kid on the bus who I had spoken to a time or two came out to me, I freaked, screamed, hit, and made fun of him on the bus. He shot himself in the head that night and left my name in his suicide note.

Two years later I got sick with a then unidentified form of mumps that destroyed my testes and left me sterile and unable to produce testosterone. As a result I have zero sex drive, or very close to it.

I survived a number of other events, and eventually was thrown out of my parents house and found a place for myself. I was in college and while I knew that I found guys more attractive, my own self-hatred and non-existent sex drive kept it buried.

I met a few friends (good old D&D), met a young lady there who had a crush on me, and after 6 months of stealth dating (yes, I was clueless and we "dated" w/o my knowing it) I finally realized what was going on. Actually, she told me. We were married, and to date have been married for 15 years.

Things went south around age 30 when we went to doctors about trying to have kids. Doc put me on testosterone skin patches and all of a sudden a whole new can of worms opened up. I had a sex drive, was attracted to men, and had none of the self control that most guys have. It seems that since my body didn't produce testosterone, I missed out on the "wonder years" of puberty and so never learned the self-control that most guys struggle with at that age. So basically, I was going through puberty at 30.

Anyway, here's my situation and why I'm here. I have become an emotional eunuch. The only emotion I can even recognize is anger. I'm sure I feel the others, but have no idea what they are or what to do about them. I stay depressed all of the time and my only way out of it is to concentrate on one thing to extreme degrees. It's left me completely out of balance. I don't seem to have the ability to do things for short periods of time. Instead I pick one thing, focus on it until I burn out on it, and then find something else. It means I can't work on say, a hobby, because I do it for 2 weeks, burn out, and then on to something else.

The worst thing is about sex though. I've avoided it my whole life. I love my wife, but I think it's not in the way that spouses are supposed to love each other. Granted, I have *very* little knowledge of love but I can admit that what I found in her was the very first love I'd felt (not even from parents) and I jumped when I found it without really understanding.

I can't handle being touched by anyone. I am terrified of men to the point that being near them scares me witless. Kind of tough for a gay man.

I'm getting ready to start a new phase of my life, but there are so many doubts hanging over my head and I don't know what to do about them. If I were to choose to leave my wife, this new phase is the perfect time to do so. It wouldn't be easy - but it might be the right thing to do. The problem is that I don't have enough information to make that kind of decision and worse yet, can't think of a way to get there from where I am.

I've been reading on the forums here, and realized that much of what I'm going through stems from the rape. It was an unexpected gift to be able to find others who can at last relate to what I'm going through.

One last thing that is important. I grew up in an area renowned for abuse of gays. I knew a guy in high school that was beaten to death because someone "thought" he was gay. His girlfriend delivered his child a few months later. Since most of this was based on religious views, I rather quickly developed a strong distaste for religion in general. While neither being good nor bad, this does mean that one other source of comfort or friendship is denied me as I simply can't handle the surge of emotions when the topic comes up. That's one of may failings of mine.

So, does anyone have any suggestions? I'm exhausted all the time. While I'm not suicidal by any means, I did attempt 3 times right out of high school (when my folks threw me out of the house and I was living in my car for several months) and worry that if I don't get myself back together into some sort of cohesive person, things could get bad.

Thanks again


Top
#251738 - 09/29/08 02:14 AM Re: In search of help [Re: Joren]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
I'm glad you found us, Joren. I'm sure the more experienced members will have good suggestions for you.

I grew up gay/bisexual in a violently homophobic area of the country, too. I finally moved away two years ago-- permanently.

I'm sorry you had to go through all you did to get here. I know how rough the first stages of acknowledging the abuse can be, but I hope you'll find as I have that as you heal you will find joy.

Liri

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

Top
#251826 - 09/29/08 12:53 PM Re: In search of help [Re: Liri]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Joren, Welcome abord, you are at the right at the right time. I've been in this site for just about 3 months, for me this is where I belong, this is where I get help in my dealing with CSA. My abuse memories came to me on the 1st of August, I am 69 yrs young. You took the first big step, but let me tell you you are in for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. This boy crying inside of me is here with some of the best friends that you will have, you will not be abanded (sp)? you will be loved, you will receive compassion, understanding & love. Heal well my friend.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#252042 - 09/30/08 06:14 AM Re: In search of help [Re: petercorbett]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Joren,

I'm glad you found us and thanks for telling your story. It's an empowering experience to do that. Try to ease yourself into things here at a pace slow enough that you don't feel overwhelmed. there's a lot going on here and it's easy to get overloaded.

I would also suggest taking things bit by bit. We can get into a lot of difficulty when we try to digest our whole situation all at once. It's just too much, too complicated, too emotional, and so on. I was to the brink of suicide twice - once when I was 11 and then again at 12 - and both times were because I was looking over my whole situation and feeling so utterly hopeless and powerless. It's a much better idea to just try to do the best we can every day - sometimes things will work out and sometimes they won't. But the point is to keep going. Things do get better.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#252046 - 09/30/08 07:44 AM Re: In search of help [Re: Joren]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
joren, that's some wicked truth there.

i hope you consider copy/pasting your story into a new post to be placed in the survivors' stories forum.

that way it would be more accessible the general public and easier reference could be made to it there.

it may reach more people there as too.

glad you are here, and look forward to sharing in your healing process.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#252171 - 09/30/08 04:52 PM Re: In search of help [Re: Sans Logos]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
Thank you all for listening. It's very different trying to explain things to people and know they truly understand.

I think you're right Larry about taking it a bit at a time. When the bad stuff hit the fan at home I was fortunate enough to be able to focus on computers. Unfortunately I focused on it to the exclusion of all else. It was a survival mechanism in that it allowed me to pretend nothing bad was happening around me, but it did change me in some ways. The main thing being that it's difficult for me to take small steps and just look at a little bit. I tend to be a problem solver (at least in business) so I tend to see the big picture in order to figure out how to solve things. It's been a true problem for me as it leads to serious depression a lot of the time.

Ron, I've been thinking about cleaning it up a bit and posting the whole thing (and a bit more I didn't include here) over in the survivors stories forum. I don't know if it will help anyone, but if it does then at least *something* good came out of it.

I can't thank you all enough for listening. I have been reading a lot on here, and have a feeling I will be posting from time to time as things come up.

Thanks again,
Joren


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.