Duncan,

My heart breaks for you.

I'm worried that you will let the HIV go, get worse (AIDS), and then make progress in recovery and wish you had taken better care of yourself.

Honestly, I think I've been in a similar situation with a chronic intestinal disorder. I had a cocktail of 14-24 pills four times a day (# varied at different times of the day), I was sick all the time, couldn't eat solid food, the pain was unbearable, I lived alone and my boss was an ass. On top of that, I was still trying to be in denial about my abuse and it wasn't working. I really wanted to just give up. I even started eating things that aggravated my illness because I needed the "comfort food." Well, that is what I told my friends. It was really just self-destructive behavior because I was too much of a pussy to kill myself (that's what my mom would say about it).

The thing is, I wished things could be better, so I always ended up doing what was in my best interest for the most part. I got myself disease under control and years later, I've been in therapy, getting really good results in recovery, I'm in a pretty decent relationship for the first time in my life (I'm 41) and I can honestly say I'm generally a happy person no matter how much shit is going on in my life right now.

What I'm trying to say is, have hope. Hope that things can get better, hope that you can recover from the sexual abuse, hope that you can be happy. Maybe you need to change therapists, maybe you need to build a better support network of friends, maybe you need to talk things out more. I don't know. But if you want change and things aren't working the way things are now, make change - but do it in a way that you really get what you want.

Too many people value you for being you. You have friends here on the site and I'm sure you have friends at home that care about you too. People care. I care.

Keep talking...
Care for yourself...
Peace and love Duncan...

Michael

Michael

I am going to let it go. I am sorry. I am in constant darkness, always angry and full of hatred. I can never let go of the hate and anger.

I have destroyed the friends that i had. I turned everyone i knew against me. I see never ending darkness. I wish I was not like this........... I never wanted to start the drugs, i just want to let it run to its logical conclusion - end the pain.

I am sorry that i come across this way. I have tried, really tried to feel humanity within myself but it gets lost in the hatred.

I have no intention of stopping the virus. I do not care for myself. I died back in the past and died again all what is left is an empty shell with no feelings............................................. i feel as if i am a burden on society having to take the drugs that cost a lot of money. i feel guilty for it. i always feel guilty. I dont know what to do anymore....................

please do not worry.......... i will be around for a long time

duncan

Duncan,

I'm really sorry you have come to that conclusion. Just remember, I care about you. I will listen. You know where to find me.

I hope you find peace.

Much love,

Michael

Hi Duncan

Like yourself, guilt was something I used to feel when I saw how much the drugs cost .
I remember one appointment with the pharmacist when I was asked if I had a preference? as to how
the labelling was put on the pill jars.
I mentioned seeing the dollar figures on each of the 6 bottles I got every 3 months used to affect me negatively.
This was a first for her & she told me she would pass my remarks on.
She told me to remember that the dollar value of the drugs reflected what the pharmaceutical companies were
displaying to the Federal Government, (Universal Health Care in Canada) & that
the actual cost of the drugs was considerably lower.
"Inflated" cost recoups what the companies report as "start up costs" ie research testing etc.
(They probably wrote most off, got tax breaks initially & so on)

It all comes down to self value specifically.
The one we put on ourselves & how much we value life.

Rather than feeling guilty, some see drug costs as how valuable they are & how precious life can be.
Feel free to PM me anytime.

C

Duncan The first year I got sick I hated the meds. I felt guilty all the time. They reminded me I was sick two times a day just in case I would forget. I was embarrassed to take them in front of my wife. I would fill my weekly pi box when she was not around. THE POINT I got over it with time. I found the regimen that works for me and the people I have met because of the virus are really wonderful people. JUST LIKE YOU. Your are not dirty You are not tainted. You have a really bad case of the FLU. Take two aspirin (your meds) and call me in the morning. We want you around for a long time. Remember HIV and AIDS will not kill you . It is all the other little bugs that we can get now that can kill us. You are worth the meds, the cost, the time and effort. You are one of us and we love you. Dave

Dave,

I am sick at the though of the drugs. I am going to continue without them. and if i am wrong then i will fall on my own sword. Its only in the last year or so that i have started to get sick.

I do not want to be in a "HIV" only club, yeah i could date women who have the virus, but i do not want that. I believe the meds will kill me faster than the virus.

Duncan I've missed you , Been gone for a few days. You do not have to date HIV only women. My wife is not Pos and we are still together, having sex and fun doing it. The meds will not kill you faster. I have friends no longer with us because they were not alive to see all the different drugs available today. Talk to the Doc, ask about Atripla. It will be easy to take and very little side effects if any for you. Then get out there and meet a great girl!!!!!

Well......... i have restarted taking Truvada and viramune for now. I get another set of tests results on the 10th November - yeah three weeks away.

I guess with all the stopping and starting the virus will mutate and the drugs will be ineffective, but i do not care. This is what i want to happen. I hate the drugs, i hate all of it - even myself.

I have been unable to sleep. I keep waking up at different times.

The AIDS epidemic is spreading its arms as time passes by; many don’t even know they are infected while many have already fallen prey to it. As of today, about 0.5% of the total population (around 40 million) is infected with HIV/AIDS. Since 2003, a company by the name of CytoDyn has devoted its time and effort to find a cure for this deadly disease. Recently, they have started working in collaboration with the Massachusetts General Hospital on their immune-based therapy for AIDS, a drug called Cytolin. You can view the current press release about this development at the link below:

http://blog.insidecytolin.com/?p=197

Duncan,

Taking the drugs, sucks. I had a 1 month prophylactic course and during that time I gained a healthy respect for friends that are on them.

Please fight, it's hard, but you really are worth it.

I wish I had the words to say what I'm feeling and wishing for you, just know that you will be in my thoughts.

The drugs will help keep you alive. Were there is life, there is hope (and all the other cliches.

A friend of mine died a couple of months ago, from AIDS. He moved home to Portland to die 8 years ago, but he didn't. Instead he found a new life and love for the first time. He got well enough to work for 6 of those 8 years and made many peoples lives better. I miss him greatly, Cully (this is the first time I've said his name since he dies) was an amazing man.

I hope that you understand that people that have never met you care.