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#251804 - 09/29/08 11:09 AM re-enacting the hurt...
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Since I started to recall my abuse, sometimes I found myself re-enacting in my mind the abuse. Sometimes I even feel aroused by it, then I fantasize about a similar situation and but in my mind it doesn't hurt, so i go and masturbate to that fantasy. In other isntances i read stories in the internet that would be similar to my abuse and get aroused and masturbate. I have even fantasize when i am with an older male...
I am very disturbed about this, because it seems I am wired to re enjact my abuse as erotic...and in reality it hurt a lot..phisycal and psyclogical pain...



Edited by sunwolf (09/29/08 11:09 AM)

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#251807 - 09/29/08 11:24 AM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: sunwolf]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
That must have taken a lot of strength for you to disclose that. As I've mentioned on this site in other places, you're bound to find that others feel the same way, do the same things, react the same way because it is common for survivors.

This, sunwolf, is just one of those cases. You were taught to think a certain way as a child and our adult minds try to build upon that faulty foundation. I've done the same things you mentioned in your post. For years and years, the only way I could get off (sorry for being vulgar) during sex was to fantasize about being abused. My body had been trained that way. I'd relive my past abuse in my head. I felt completely horrible about having to do that because I wanted to be with my partner, not the abuser. I felt dirty because I was thinking about the sexuality of a child (me) to get off. I felt used because I kept reliving the abuse when I should be enjoying being safe.

The first thing my therapist told me was to be compassionate with myself. It's not my fault I was trained to think that way. That took a while to really sink in. Then he told me it isn't just going to go away. It has to be replaced with something else, I have to learn a different pattern. It's hard, but honestly, if you can't be compassionate with yourself first, you'll just beat yourself up every time you stumble in recovery and that is counter productive.

(((sunwolf))) You aren't alone in this. Hang in there... Peace and love...

Michael


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#251812 - 09/29/08 11:35 AM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: M3]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
That took immense courage to write, sunwolf. I am horrified at myself when I remember my dad's abuse and get aroused, but it happens. Sometimes when I talk to my therapist about the abuse, I get an involuntary erection, and I cross my legs hoping she won't notice.

Liri

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#251834 - 09/29/08 01:35 PM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: Liri]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
I do that. I"m sorry. I know that it feels terrible.


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#251835 - 09/29/08 01:41 PM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: sunwolf]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Sunwolf, This old boy knows just where you are coming from. I did the same and it still sometimes comes back to me. I am what they call a compulsive masturbater, I'm married to boot. I get no sex from my wife, so I go to myself. Heal well my friend, some day we will give that crying boy inside some relief.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#251836 - 09/29/08 01:42 PM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: sunwolf]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Sunwolf, This old boy knows just where you are coming from. I did the same and it still sometimes comes back to me. I am what they call a compulsive masturbater, I'm married to boot. I get no sex from my wife, so I go to myself. Heal well my friend, some day we will give that crying boy inside some relief.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#251869 - 09/29/08 04:13 PM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: petercorbett]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I kind of feel like it just wouldn't be sexual abuse if it wasn't confusing and a huge mindf* (pardon the french). It's not where you are strange or something..trust me! It's common among survivors and it's part of our shame but shouldn't be.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#251884 - 09/29/08 05:08 PM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: blueshift]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
I also am aroused by thinking of someone using me. That is what I first learned so I go back to it all the time. I wasn't physically hurt so the thoughts are a pleasure. That really F***s me up because I know it was abuse. Healing is so slow!!!!!!!
Dave

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#252297 - 10/01/08 07:33 AM Re: re-enacting the hurt... [Re: Davesc]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

This feels like a familiar playground, and would be to most survivors for whom abuse wasn't a traumatic experience rather a seductive one. The cross-connections made during the time of abuse are what causes this experience, the only way out really is to NEVER SHAME OR GUILT TRIP yourself, even when this results in 'acting out', because that would be beating up that little child all over again, for no fault of his, also as you start relaxing into the present, this goes away, it does!




_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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