*Possible Triggers*

My brother used to hit me badly...even when i was 6 or 7..he sometimes tried to choke me with his hands..others he used a pillow to smothe me...sometimes i fake i have ceased breathing and he wil llet me go..One day i was like 7...he was using the pillow over my head and i was on my belly on bed...he slide my pjs pants off and started to rub against my butt...he stoped hitting me...by the second time he did this, I got the trick..i let him rub against my butt and he would stop hitting me...from then on everytime he was angry i would turn into my belly and he would start to slide my pants off and rubed between my buttocks...i became very submissive to himm I would let him do it rather thna being hit....

My mother and father worked so many times i was left with my mother's aunts ( the ones living next door...they were actually mother's aunts not my aunts) They were single old aldies..one was working the other remained at home and she was the one taking care of me...This aunt, most of the times, was really good to me, but she was the one who was telling me and all my family that i was as cute as a girl..I think my mother got that from her...My mother wanted a dughter after my brother was born so when i did i was like a daughter for her...this contributed to my confusion..
My aunt used to give me many enemas for"cleaning my insides" and for punishment..it was used as a deterrance if i misbehave..the threat of it was in itself something they use to keep myself docile and submissive..but I knew my brother was not subjected to them ..only me...
Whne i turned 8 my brother secalted his sexual advances...he was always telling me i was as cute as a girl, that my butt was girlish and cute etc..
At that time we were sharing a room...I remember it as it was today, when he 1st wanted me to suck him...I didn't know what was that, my brother was 4 years older so he was 12...he showed my a porn magazine, that i dont know where he got it from...there were girls doing oral sex to guys.. I was mesmerized by the pics..he got me to touch his penis and masturbate him...later i forced me to suck him..i was so afraid of his rage and also i wanted to please him..so i started to suck him almost daily..he used endearment terms for me..like "baby".."my cute lil bro" "my girl" etc...he also wanted me to ask him to suck him...so i got into asking him..if i could suck him and he would laugh...he started to finfger my butt amny times..i have to admit there was some pleasure on feelig him doing that ...this added to my consfusion....when we were having sex he was nice to me..not violent..so i found out that I could use sex as a way of not being hurt...

(I will continue later)




Edited by walkingsouth (09/29/08 07:06 PM)