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#251740 - 09/29/08 03:41 AM Slowly seeing the light
NatureDrum Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 116
I just had some dreams that spoke to me about my low self-esteem. I don't open up well to people and tonight I realized it was because I feel like I am always being watched by others, they waiting for me to trip up somehow so they can use what I've said to hurt me.

That is exactly what my brother and sister did. They would wait for me to slip up and tell on me so I would bear the brunt of my father's anger. Quite a good coping skill on their part. Sucked for me.

So now I am trying to not let fear hold me back from opening. I'm scared.

Sorry to ramble.

_________________________
Negotiating the treaty for peace of mind.

My Story

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#251767 - 09/29/08 08:36 AM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: NatureDrum]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
ramble on naturedrum!

this kind of news just brings such joy to us. one more layer of the onion peeled away, one more chain broken, one more thread in the giant knot untied.

paranoia is a big part of the legacy of sexual abuse. a lot of people have a concern about how they appear to others, and now your being aware of the degree to which you do that will help you to become enlightened to whether or not your grounds for doing so are justified. now that you are aware that you use this defense, you can choose to not use it, and instead risk learning new ways to intersect with others. that can be very freeing for you.

it's a long road to discovery and rebuilding, but it seems you are headed in the right direction.

thanks for sharing your experience and new understanding with us.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#251792 - 09/29/08 10:08 AM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
NatureDrum,

Keep talking... Talking can help diffuse fear and will help others here connect with your story. When we can connect with how you are feeling, we can share our own experiences with you to give you strength, hope and maybe even some good advice.

Ron is right. As you get farther along in recovery, you can see this moment as a next step. Understanding the context of things that happened to you (your sibling's coping strategies) and its aftermath (your fear) is an important step. Now you can work on putting that fear into context and scope and eventually put it away!

Keep posting, keep reading, keep talking!

Peace and love NatureDrum...

Michael


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#251802 - 09/29/08 10:53 AM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: M3]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
I deal with similar fears, NatureDrum. I've had a great deal of headway in my life in the past year, but I'm often plagued by the feeling that "the other shoe" is about to drop. Even though I'm a model tenant, I expect to find an eviction notice on my door any day. Fears of rejection. Paranoia that THEY will find a reason to throw me in Guantanamo.

In my meditation practice, I try to allow myself to trust the Universe. How can I trust the Universe with what happened to me as a child? I can, because through it all, as painful as it was, the Universe was right there with me-- holding me. I'm not so special as to be exempted from human suffering, but I believe the Universe is on my side because I have survived. Despite all the attempts at self-destruction, I still exist, and my existence is proof to me of my own value. I won't say there's some divine plan out there with my name on it, but the fact that I'm sitting here typing this reminds me that although life is full of fear and suffering, it is also full of redemption. The joy that comes with redemption almost balances out the other crap.

Talk about babbling!

One of the best antidotes to fear is a supportive community.

Liri

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#251820 - 09/29/08 12:17 PM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: Liri]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
ok liri, i'll say it for you....there is some divine plan with your name on it, otherwise why bother even making a 'liri' in the first place. hahahaha!

lots and lots o love,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#251883 - 09/29/08 05:01 PM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: Sans Logos]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
What they ^ all said! \:\)


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#252279 - 10/01/08 03:04 AM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: blueshift]
NatureDrum Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 116
Thank-you all for the kind words. It is great to feel the support.

Ron, thanks for the welcome. It's exactly what I did not get as a child and it is great to finally get that.

Michael, the way you summed up this being a step in the process really connected because I helped explained that process to a new member in the group meeting I go to. It is weird being on both sides of the showing someone/being shown coin in such a short period.

Liri, I'm sorry the fears still affect you so strongly. It is good to hear what you've said. You have shown me acceptance of the situation is possible but that's not a place I have reached. But I'm getting there.

Doug, thanks for the support.

Peace to you all,
Nat(ureDrum)

_________________________
Negotiating the treaty for peace of mind.

My Story

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#252290 - 10/01/08 06:58 AM Re: Slowly seeing the light [Re: NatureDrum]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Quote:
It is weird being on both sides of the showing someone/being shown coin in such a short period.


Yes, it is weird! LOL But you know what they say, but best way to learn is to show someone else how to do it.

I find the being able to express how I feel, how recovery has happened for me (and is still happening), what my T says to me, etc. helps me better understand myself and the process and reapplying to my own recovery. Helping others gives me more clarity of my own recovery and helps me proceed. Didn't expect it, but it has been a powerful experience for me. There have even been times when I found myself giving someone advice that my T had been drilling into my head and I finally had that AH-HA moment where I finally understood what he'd been trying to tell me.

Peace and love (((Nat)))!!

Michael


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