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#251585 - 09/28/08 08:25 AM Inadequate
foolproof Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 19
Hi, i'm new here. My therapist encouraged me to log on and take a look.
First time i checked this site out i closed it in disqust as i couldn't relate to any of the people on here. Men/Boys who have been raped and/or suffered horrific sexual abuse. These men call themselves "victims" and "survivors". I can't relate to that.

I had a distant cousin abuse me when several times between the age 8 and 11. He was ten years older than me. I looked up to him and craved his acceptance. He made me do things to him. Things i'm ashamed of and embarrassed about.

I'm 33 now and I pretty sure this has fuc$ed me up but i'm not sure how. I dont see myself as a "victim" or a "survivor" of abuse. It wasn't that bad. I wasn't raped or buggered by him. He was/is a decent guy. Although lately i've realised that he is an assh£ole for making me not tell my parents. Threatening me to keep our "secret" by telling me I would not be allowed back to his house (a farm i used to love going to). I never told a soul for 20+ years until recently i told my therapist and drunkenly told a friend of mine which has filled me full of anxiety that other people know what i did with this guy.

I'm rambling. I dont know what i want from this post. I wish i could just forget what happened.


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#251586 - 09/28/08 08:43 AM Re: Inadequate [Re: foolproof]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, foolproof. Welcome. We all have our own timetable when it comes to dealing with this crap. And we all deal with it in our own unique way. You say you're pretty sure this has messed you up, and that he was an asshole for making you keep a secret, but that it wasn't that bad and you don't feel you're a victim or survivor. See what I'm saying? You are conflicted. Aren't we all. I don't know exactly what your cousin forced you to do, but denial is a normal early stage of grief, which is probably what you are experiencing. I totally understand your anxiety regarding the friend you disclosed to. Have you talked with him since? Asked him if he's kept your confidence, and asked him not to share with anyone. Hopefully, he is trustworthy and truly a friend. But you won't ever know if you don't talk to him. It may seem embarrassing, but he already knows, so you have nothing to lose!

Tough stuff. I wish you the best on your journey.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

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#251587 - 09/28/08 08:44 AM Re: Inadequate [Re: foolproof]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey Foolproof,

Welcome among friends. Checked out the site, left in disgust, couldn't relate... and now you're back - what's that telling you?

In the beginning stages of recovery, we all go through the denial (no, I'm not like that), the bargaining (if only I could forget I'd be fine), the anger and sadness on so on. Until slowly we come to terms with what happened to us. Not one of us welcomed gleefully the memories of our past victimisation nor did anyone here forge ahead into recovery with an ever present smile plastered on our faces. We each of us resited the necessity of recovery.

Oh, and about he victim/survivor thing? Check this out...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=249045&page=2#Post249045

Your fellow journeyman,
Joel



_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#251619 - 09/28/08 12:47 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
foolproof Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 19
I think i've gotten past the denial part. I'd been in denial for 20 odd years while telling myself "it wasn't that bad".
But i'm certainly conflicted. Conflicted between being shocked that this happened to me and angered that I didn't tell someone sooner and angered that I told myself it wasn't that bad for years.
I'm not overly worried about my friend knowing. He is a good friend and we did speak about it afterwards. Its just no one knew for 25 years and know 3 people know. But i think that might be a good thing although it hard to shake the ashamed feeling and the "will people point at me and say ""he's been abused"" feeling".


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#251637 - 09/28/08 02:12 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: foolproof]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
foolproof,

Welcome to the site. I think a lot of us, even those of us that have had very violent incidents, initially compare the physical part of the abuse, being horrified at other's and minimizing our own. For a long time I didn't post my story here because I didn't think it was worthy of standing by those who had suffered much more severely than I did.

But what I've come to realize is the emotional trauma is really the same despite the perceived severity of the abuse. Your second post shows me that you are suffering in ways that every survivor here has suffered. Here you will find great advice and ideas on how to process those feelings and heal.

I'm looking forward to making another friend... Peace and love foolproof...

Michael


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#251652 - 09/28/08 04:39 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: M3]
foolproof Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 19
thanks Michael,

Yours was one of the first stories i read and thought "wow that guy suffered, what i went through was nothing in comparision".

I mean your story is so horrific and heartbreaking. I just dont feel like my story compares. I used to think my story was just a little horse play taken to far.

But i take your point about the emotional trauma being the same. I had a cousin 10 years older than me. I looked up to him and craved his affection. I used to go stay at his parents farm when i was 8/9. I thought he was so cool. So strong. I looked up to him like a big brother i didn't have. He took advantage. Made me sleep in his bed. Made me touch him. Feel him. Kiss him. Made me take baths with him. I was 8 years old. What the fuc$k did he make me take baths with him for.
Then made me keep it a secret and told me if i told i would not be allowed back to stay at the farm. I loved going there so kept it to myself. I went on for a few years. Stopped going there when i was 11. and then buried it. Didn't start thinking about it until my son was the age i was when it happened. And then i realised that what i had been telling myself for 20+ years was bullshi%it. It wasn't right, it was bad.
But i still feel like my story is not that bad. And guilty for even talking about it.
Mad.


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#251654 - 09/28/08 05:16 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: foolproof]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
The thing I wonder is, did someone do this to your cousin when he was your age?

When you look at your son and imagine that happening to him, the horror you feel is no different than when I looked at my son when he turned 13. Your story is heartbreaking because your love for your cousin and the farm was used against you repeatedly. Your story is horrific because no eight year old should ever be used that way.

It's time to unbury the abuse, process those emotions and heal your little boy - he deserves to finally be heard and be healed just as much as every other little boy who has been abused!

Don't judge yourself or minimize your pain, guilt and shame for that of someone else's. Guilt is guilt, shame is shame and it all belongs to your abuser, not to you. Give it back so you no longer have to carry his burden.

(((foolproof))) Peace and love...

Michael


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#251670 - 09/28/08 07:37 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: M3]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
HI foolproof, Like you I didn't think what I experienced was bad. I always liked it . I figured I was gay and that is why I allowed it for so long. 7 to 17. I still don't know if I was born Gay or made Gay but I do know my older brother has screwed up my life. I did not get to choose for myself. I have just started dealing with my feelings at 57. If what I liked has messed me up, I can imagine how something you stopped doing because you did not want it could affect. This is a good place to be . A place to heal I hope.

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#251684 - 09/28/08 08:48 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: Davesc]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Hey foolproof, I'm new to the site also and like you, when I read what happened to some of the others I think that what happened to me wasn't so bad. The problem is that it happened to ME and it has fucked my life up also. I really liked what Michael said about the emotional trauma being similar. I needed to hear that. Why is the post labeled inadequate? I know I am worthy and deserving of being here and getting the help and support I need.
Thanks Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#251757 - 09/29/08 06:49 AM Re: Inadequate [Re: lungfish]
foolproof Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 19
Originally Posted By: lungfish
Why is the post labeled inadequate?

Because I guess i felt originally that i didn't deserve to be posting on here as what i went through wasn't as bad as what some of the other guys went through.

But i take all the good points that you guys have given me.
thanks.


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#251927 - 09/29/08 08:26 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: foolproof]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Foolproof you deserve this and millions of other great things. Hope all is well. pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#252020 - 09/30/08 12:43 AM Re: Inadequate [Re: lungfish]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I don't think it matters what who did what to who, if it involves abuse of power and sex in a way that caused/ causes you to suffer, it is something you can benefit from being here with.

I don't like the labels "victim" or "survivor" much either. I try to think of those words as just tools for communication rather than identities. When I say I am a survivor I am stating that something happened to me. I'm not really saying that I AM anything!

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#252115 - 09/30/08 01:58 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: blueshift]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Foolproof:

I too at first thought that what happened to me wasn't so bad when compared to the stories of others. But, while reading some posts I came across one from a man who said he was groomed. That sounded a lot like what happened to me, so I sent him a pm, and since then have kept in touch. I have learned from this wise person, and many others on here that it was not my fault. It was something that was done to me. It may have felt good, and even resulted in orgasm, but that's just the plumbing working as it is supposed to. You and I were children and not responsible for what happened. Even if you went back, and it happened again and again, as it did with me, it was not your fault. Our perps crossed that line of love and sex and used us, and stole our innocence. We may not have been violently raped, but the trauma, the aftermath is equally painful. I thank God that I have a wife and friends who I have recently been able to tell of my abuse. I thank God that this web site is here for without it, I think I might have gone completely cracker dogs. After hiding and denying what happened to me for over 35 years, I can attest to the fact its not easy getting on the path to recovery, but once on it I hope I never get lost again. Please don't disqualify yourself based on how you were abused and whether or not you willingly participated in it. You were used, and abused. Welcome to the club.
Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#252117 - 09/30/08 02:02 PM Re: Inadequate [Re: Geeders]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi foolproof, and welcome to the site. I hope you're finding your way around o.k. and that the site has been helpful to you so far.

As to comparing degrees of abuse, I had a therapist one time who put it like this: If you have two people who are in a fire, and one of them is burned on both arms while the other is only burned on one arm, they both are going to be in pain. Lots of pain. And the fact that one wasn't burned on both arms doesn't really dimish the pain any. Your pain is not less significant from anyone else's here.

Again, welcome, and I hope this place helps you in your healing.

_________________________
Eddie

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