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#251461 - 09/27/08 03:13 PM Betrayal!
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I have been betrayed by a family member who has told at least two people about my CSA who I have regular interaction with. What's worse is that it is women who have been told. I have problems as it is relating to women. This only makes it so much more worse.

I had to meet with one of the two earlier this week in a meeting with some other people. I couldn't be myself in the meeting. I was anxious and made nervous small talk and joking inappropriately. I couldn't make eye contact with the person who was told of my CSA. It was obvious to everyone how uncomfortable I was there.

This morning I got a phone call from the other person who was told of my CSA. That was a strange and awkward conversation for me. She was hinting that she knows more about what I am going through than I may think. I wanted to hang up the phone. I don't want this. I'm loosing control here and it is very upsetting to me. Victimization all over again. Who's next? Every stare I get from now on I'm going to think they know and I will wonder what they are thinking about me.

I am so frustrated.

Mike



Edited by Barkabus (09/27/08 03:21 PM)
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#251462 - 09/27/08 03:19 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Barkabus]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Gosh, Mike...I'm so sorry.

(((Mike)))

I live in constant terror that people I know will find out about my past. I'm not ready for that at all. I wouldn't have dealt any better with those converstations, I'm afraid.

I wonder, though...if you could muster up the nerve (again, don't know that I could) to speak bluntly, not offering any more than you're okay with, to these two, would you feel like you'd regained the control? Not telling you what to do...just wondering.

I hate that this has happened. Hang in there, buddy.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

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#251480 - 09/27/08 04:04 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I know it must be very hard on you. You're right - it's victimization all over again, and yet again from someone you should have been able to trust.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#251501 - 09/27/08 05:29 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: roadrunner]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Mike,

I don't mean to defend your family member, but everyone reveals things, sometimes, that they shouldn't. I've been guilty of doing that myself. I'm just guessing, but perhaps this family member needed to confide in someone else, because he, or she couldn't bear it alone.

It was wrong. But you should try to forgive it. I really don't care who knows about my abuse. I'm careful about who I reveal it to, but if someone else finds out, hey, I have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame belongs to the pedophile, and whoever was around and let it happen.

I've been in your position before. My family tells each other everything. I suspect that even some of my friends know. When I'm drunk, I'll occasionally allude to the abuse. My strategy for dealing with people who know something about me that I don't want them to know is to play dumb. Don't let yourself become uncomfortable. Keep them wondering if you know that they know. That makes THEM feel vulnerable. If you don't want to get emotional, then don't.

I wish you luck. I know how you feel, but try not to let them affect you.


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#251520 - 09/27/08 06:45 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Bewlayb1]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mike,

What a tough thing to deal with. I too have experienced people I didn't want to know getting told some of these very private things about me and like you, it messed with my head. At some point I just decided that "You know what? Screw it. I'm me and I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not to blame for any of this. If they can't deal it's their problem." That helped put it in perspective for me.

Then of course there's the issue of how you deal with the person that shared your personal stuff with others. The only thing I would say there is give it some time to settle a bit before you do anything. I've found that waiting usually brings wisdom to the forefront.

Whatever happens, I wish you peace.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#251537 - 09/27/08 08:12 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Barkabus]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Mike, the way you feel is justified. But it also speaks to the idea that you feel guilt and shame. These are not yours to bear. These are the feelings you perp should feel.

Betrayal is at the core of us as survivors. Our trust was betrayed and any further betrayal victimizes us again.

Mike, my friend, please realize that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that's hard, but it's also true.

People who betray us may not realize what they are doing. It doesn't lessen the hurt, but not all have evil intentions.

I am here for you. ((((Mike))))

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#251547 - 09/27/08 10:02 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Tinman]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
i would say the same as walkingsouth. fuck 'em.


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#251966 - 09/29/08 09:16 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: inthegrass33]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Hey Mike,
I really feel for you. Anytime I feel like a victim it is extremely emotional for me. I thought you got good advice and let it sit for awhile. When I react quickly, I usually act inappropriately, but that is me. I would just say that for you to confide in the person you did, you must have a certain level of love and respect for them.
I'm with some of the others in that I couldn't give a rats ass who knows. I was abused by monsters and I did nothing wrong. Good luck. I wish you the best. Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#251981 - 09/29/08 09:35 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: lungfish]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
you must have a certain level of love and respect for them

Pete, I was manipulated into disclosing to her last June. It was my mom and she gave me an ultimatum. Either I tell her what is going on with me or I take her home. We were on vacation at the time.

Mike

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#252001 - 09/29/08 11:07 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Barkabus]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I really feel for you too buddy! Sure, the shame belongs to the perp, but you also have a right to keep certain things private. I have not told any of my family about my getting raped five years ago and don't intend to, but just after it happened a friend got it out of me kind of the same way as your mom.

You know, the old, "I know something's going on and I'm your friend and I care about you so you have to tell me" thing. I told him what had happened and his sensitive comment was that he would never "let" something like that happen to him.

So I guess I can say I sort of made the same mistake of being pressured into telling someone I didn't feel comfortable telling. I know exactly how crappy it feels. Hang in there bro! Keep talking to us. We will be here 4 u. Or I will anyway!!


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#252006 - 09/29/08 11:14 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: blueshift]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I'm very sorry to hear this Mike. I too have lost control of my story to the public (small-town public).

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#252021 - 09/30/08 12:48 AM Re: Betrayal! [Re: Still]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Mike:

You have already read my struggle with the same sort of problem. I sure hope that you are able to stay as positive as possible and please try to stay focused on what you need to do for your recovery. Try not to react negatively or engage in self-destructive coping behavior. You have made a lot of progress. Let's not let it slip away. If you need our support you know where to find us. What these people are doing is really wrong and you should let them know that. Try my old focusing on the wall behind them trick. Then you won't even be able to see their eyes.

Your brother in recovery,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#252112 - 09/30/08 01:53 PM Re: Betrayal! [Re: blueshift]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Mike, I am extremely sorry for being so wrong and not understanding the circumstances. I pray that I didn't add to your already difficult and totally unfair situation. I wish you the best. Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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