Its been a while...my recollections are still coming...they hurt and I am still going through a lot...

Where do I start?

I lived with my mother, father an older brother and my aunts living next door...

I was 5...my mother sat me on her lap...she asked me: "would you have liked to be born a girl instead of a boy?"...i looked at her..."why?"
"because i would love to have a daughter...you are so cute...and so sensitive...like a girl...don't you think?"..these questions were repeated so much during my childhood...
I knew my mother was not happy, she had alot of issues..she suffred from anxiety and fear...I tihnk she transmited all those fears and anxiety to me...I just wanted to please her..she needed love and affection...
I started to notice how different i was treated form the way my older brother was treated...for my mother he was handsome I was cute...he was intelligent, I was sensitive, he was treated as a boy..I was treated as a girl...

I am 7...my brother and i had been at the backyard..my borther was throwing stones to the neighbor's roof..i was there i was looking and i was afraid...our parents found out..I tried to say i wasn't throwing stones...but I fear my brother's rage on me...we were both punished...
I was in my the room I shared with my older brother...they called him first..I listen to him being belted on his legs..he was angry..he came out and landed a big blow on my back...I was called then...I entered the bathroom...shaking...anxious...hipperventilating...I knew...mother said i wass not being to be belted..mt skin was too fair...i was too sensitive.. i lool at the courtain rod...i started to cry and plead...they took me to the bed...placed me down...pants off...father hold me down ...I dreaded it..it was too much...I didnt want it anymore...i saw the enema bag being held...no please noooooooooooooooo...but i was punsihed with an enema for something i didnt do...it was aweful i wish i had been belted...
too much here for me i wil continue later..am sorry