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#250526 - 09/21/08 11:54 PM Back to that old place again....
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Well here I am. Back in that same old place again. Seems it's a cycle. Which from reading is normal.... I hate it though.

I'm numb. I guess. Yet I can feel all sorts of emotions inside me. But it's not like emotions. It's just weight right now. Which makes me uneasy and restless and needing to "cope" one way or another and leaves me pent up and the only thing that comes out when I'm here is anger and grumpiness and frustation and irritability!!

Know that place???

I hate it! Don't know what to do with it. It's just so heavy!

Every once in awhile a little something tries to poke through. Like a little pain which might manage to bring a tear or two. Or loneliness which causes a twinge of pain right in my heart and leaves an ache of isolation as it fades.

If it wasn't for all the numbness..... I wonder how badly messed and screwed up I'd be right now. How worthless and unable to do anything I'd be. Guess being numb helps in keeping my going, but it's hard on my wife and kids.

Add to that, I've got no one really to sit and talk to about any of it. Pretty alone here. Oh I have some online contacts I can email or PM or whatever, but I get so little online time because of my work schedule. This is actually the most I've had in days, if not weeks. The rest of the time it's a few tiny minutes here and there. So I just go moment to moment as best I can.

I took off friday. After two days traveling for my work (13 hours in a car.....) I needed a day off. Now I go back to it tomorrow...... Everyone will notice how quiet and apart from them I am. Yet not one will say a word. Only time anyone said anything was back at the beginning of this year, after I'd been that way for 3 months and was just starting to come out of it....

Hate this old place.


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#250536 - 09/22/08 06:46 AM Re: Back to that old place again.... [Re: JustScott]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Scot.

I know that feeling very well, numbness is an old friend to me too. Quite often when I get into that sort of state the only thing that keeps me going is the knolidge that it soon passes, that it's a cycle, that I'll have a good day eventually. That way I can just trudge on through what's in front of me. usually my coping mechanism is something cerribral which will keep my brain busy for a while, but doesn't require much emmotions. Economic stratogy games are always good for that I've found, or comprehensive sorting type tasks such as harddrive organization. Of course this is just what I do at those points, and I'm really sorry if it doesn't help.

I really hope things clear up for you soon and you can get through this and get back to where you want to be, ---- and where I, and I expect lots of the chaps here would want you to be too.


It's amazing I've found both how much people don't notice and how much people notice. I was at music festival in buxton, seeing performances every day, eating a really nice breakfast in a hotel each morning with some of my friends.

as far as I knew, i'd been circumspect about all the things that bothered me, and was behaving in my best "dealing with people" manner, and actually enjoying it. suddenly, from out of the blue one morning, after a discussion about part time study, one of my friends chimed up with "yes, but your suffering depression aren't you"

good grief! that was a shock.

On another occasion however, midway through a music rehearsal, I actually had to run off and cry as one cord sequence had such an effect on me. i came back a few minutes later, and was very quiet all evening. Did anyone notice? did they heck!

i've actually come to the conclusion that whether people notice or not has as much if not more to do with them, than it does with me.

sorry about the wrant, just some thoughts I've recently had on the subject.


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#250540 - 09/22/08 07:39 AM Re: Back to that old place again.... [Re: dark empathy]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Scot,

I'm really sorry you're caught in that cycle right now. You know how so many of us can relate and we wish you the best.

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
i've actually come to the conclusion that whether people notice or not has as much if not more to do with them, than it does with me.


He's right you know. Many people can easily buy your "dealing with people" manner. They are simply not empathic enough, or know you well enough, to see through the mask. And some of those who do may not feel they know you well enough to be so personal to talk to you about it. You've had so much practice I'm sure you wear the mask very well - maybe too well. The Academy Award for Best Actor goes to...

I'm sorry your wife isn't much help at this point. Has she seen the new article in O magazine?

I know many of wish we could be there for you Scot, but the best we can do is be here for you. And we are here and will listen.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#250544 - 09/22/08 08:00 AM Re: Back to that old place again.... [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
it was that sense of numbness that brought me back to ms after being away for a few years.

these feeling cycles are the seasons of the soul. but the cycles are not circles but spirals. with each recurrence comes more light, and with each enlightening, more clarity of focus, and with each clarity more darkness expunged.

it's one thing to cry subjectively 'help! i'm drowning in a pool of quicksand!', and quite another to be able to realize objectively that you are drowning in a pool of quicksand. you are not the quicksand, and you realize in with hindsight, that most of what is causing alarm is the simple fact that emotions and thoughts are arising, and to the extent that you identify with them, you will be in peril.

this too shall pass. i know that sounds like a recovery cliche, but there is wisdom in those old cliches. and a lot of anticipation that if you just hunker down and make friends with acceptance mode [ouch not THAT!] then things will lighten up until the next moment of crisis. [oh no, not THAT either!].

who wants to feel like they stubbed their toe?

no one, unless you are a masochist. anyway, you can do what you are doing, sharing your plight with understanding comrades [who incidentally may be preoccupied momentarily with their own drama and/or unable to read your mind regarding your present need for support].

i am not saying this is the case for your situation scott, nor anyone else's for that matter, but for myself i think one of the things i failed to learn, was to ask for help when it was/is needed.

and tied into that is a lot of shame over not having been able to be strong enough to defend myself against the dominating perp [and other invasive entities that impinged upon my right to self-determine]. and then having arrived at the place in the healing process where i discerned the disclosure to be a healthy and acceptable choice, it had not yet become immediately apparent that the shame was still binding, and that i was yet deficient in the techniques of healthy self-nurture. looking outward for the inner concord that i was as yet unable to give myself, there was a sense of disappointment and dejection that i am alone and no one cares, when i had not received the verification and validation i was lacking at the time.

people do care, but i have to remind them and myself of that. yea, it takes a spoonful of humility to ask for something that seeming 'should' come of its own accord, however, it takes time to realize that while sometimes the role required of me is that of the giver and sometimes that of the receiver, there are those rare times when i have to be both at the same time.

and it takes many cycles of seasons to come to that understanding, and that means patience and pain, and relief and revelation and ultimate rescue from the mirey clay.

in the meantime, you are able to say, that old quicksand is NOT my friend, and we can just nod our heads up and down in agreement.

your brother in recovery,
ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#251236 - 09/26/08 01:10 PM Re: Back to that old place again.... [Re: JustScott]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

Numbness feels like deadness, that is why it feels heavy as it is the dead weight of all the emotions, unfelt, unexpressed or unreleased, so the way out is just reverse!

Start doing that privately through journals, writing letters to all those people, saying all those things you never got to say, do it again and again, till there is nothing left inside to release, and when you are empty, fresh life can take its place, and it will! Healing is after all a solitary journey and we all make it, when ever we are ready!

These and many others are tools you have to use to release those trapped emotions, because otherwise, healing remains an intellectual affair, as nothing stirs up inside, and visits to T remain, like those empty college lecture, where you sit through something, switched off and them come back to your dorm empty handed.

My point is that without the work there is no healing, you can always expedite by doing it rigourously, but the best way to allow nature take its course, as it know when you are ready, and the best way is when ever you are triggered and an old issue comes forth jump on it, work on it, and release it, do it again and again till there is nothing left to release, and fresh life and take its place, and it will, and does. Healing is a journey, take it when you are ready!

All the best!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#251391 - 09/27/08 05:39 AM Re: Back to that old place again.... [Re: Morning Star]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

Do you numb about because expressing how you feel seems so unsafe? Or just so unknowable in its consequences that the risk seems unbearable? The problem can also arise because the guy has come to think that he just isn't worth the trouble or effort, not even from himself (this was how I saw things at one point).

It may help to recall the huge changes that came over you once the abuse began. I used to think that I had always been a quiet, shy, withdrawn and nervous kid, but then at my parents' house I saw a ton of photos of Little Larry - all happy and outgoing, friendly, curious about the world, and so on. Once I saw this difference I used my therapy sessions to try to reconnect to that kid in the pictures.

Another thing that helped me a lot was writing (big surprise). I don't mean just here. I began a detailed survivor story in therapy and used it to try to reconnect with how things felt then and what I was learning in the present. That helped me a lot too. I have also written poems and songs, and again, that has helped.

When I talk to guys who feel emotionally dead and numbed out, one thing they sometimes say is that they want to talk but they don't know where to start. They become overwhelmed and the first word just doesn't even get out.

To that I just say start anywhere. It really doesn't matter. Quite often we have to talk about things before we can make sense of them. I also like Abhi's comment that "numbness feels like deadness". I think we all have a ton of pent up feelings waiting to come out. It's just a matter of finding a way to let that process start that doesn't feel so incredibly dangerous and fraught with unknowable consequences. Expressing yourself just to yourself may be a good way to start.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#251406 - 09/27/08 09:23 AM Re: Back to that old place again.... [Re: roadrunner]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Scott.
It's the old guy again from Germany. I know where you are coming from, I have just started on my therapy, I have let out my secret, I've tried to give that boy crying inside some help and in doing so I also get numbed, I also cry to myself, I also look for someone to try and understand me (that boy). I have had thoughts that when my secret was out I would be instantly better. I cannot concentrate, I cannot sleep & I cannot run away. I am trying to get my wife to understand me, but I get mixed signals after all I told her my secret, but all I've gotten so far is the usual why's. Why didn't you tell some one, Why didn't you run or holler, Why DID YOU GO BACK FOR MORE. Why DID YOU LIKE IT. It is a cycle of numbness. it is a cycle of emotional sorrow. But you can bet your bottom dollar that this BOY (69) is going to try and come to terms with himself, and those great persons whom I've never met on these pages and in this web site are my best hope as this is where I've found undersanding, compassion and love. Hang in there Scott, we're with you all the way. I sure hope that this makes some sense to you. Heal well my friend as this is going to be a roller coaster ride of our emotions. we can't run and we can't hide anymore.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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