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#250858 - 09/24/08 07:10 AM My Father and Porn
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
My dad did not physically abuse me but I think he mentally abused me and would like to know from anyone including the professionals what you think about this; My father took me and my brother to a porn shop, he parked the care outside; which was a sleazy part of town teaming with vagrants and trouble. He left us in the car and went in to buy porn. When he came out he tossed the magazines on the seat of the car. We started looking at them and he said nothing, like he approved. I was 8 or 9 years old my brother 7. This went on in other ways as well. He had women over and he usually took nude polaroids of them and we looked at them as well. He kept porn in the house and showed us video tapes with some of his friends and my friends all bound up in the living room. Once he had one of his girlfriends do a strip tease in our living room, again we were all under age.

As I grew older 13 to 15 he encouraged sex, he would push the issue i.e. if I met a girl he would tell me to go have sex with them and I quote, "if you don't I am going to put a wig on and go over there myself," he would say this and laugh in a joking manner. He put me in situations as if to see if I would have sex or in situations where I could have sex. It all makes no sense to me that is why I am asking the question. Is he mentally deranged, why did he do these things. Did he get off on it, I don't understand. My T said he must have been getting a perverted need met.

I know this is abuse but what affect is it having on me?

I quit using porn just recently and can plainly see how it was wrecking my life. I know he started the addiction and I can't imagine how hard it would be to break since he exposed us to it at such an early age, its just crazy to think about doing that to a child.

I don't speak to him now but I would like to. I just can't bring myself to it, I want to address what he did but he will not take it well. I know this has to be unresolved in the recesses of my mind but I don't feel like hearing him make excuses for himself. I just wish he would own up to it, tell me he is sorry and thats that.

What do you guys think?



Edited by John Oarc (09/24/08 07:24 AM)
_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#250862 - 09/24/08 07:49 AM Re: My Father and Porn [Re: John Oarc]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
John, letting you and your brother look at porn or see the strip tease is a form of sexual abuse. You clearly see that this abuse led to your addiction to porn and the fact that you are confused about this. If these were responsible actions by your father you wouldn't feel this way.

Ken Singer has a book coming out that has a chapter on the types of sexual perpetrators (follow the link to see post and table of contents). Type II: Sexual Mentor. Though your father didn't physically manipulate your body to teach you about sex, he did it mentally and emotionally. He probably thought he was making a man out of you by teaching you about sex so you would be prepared. He encouraged you at 15 to use that knowledge that he'd been equipping you with all those years before. Yes, I'm sure there was some sick satisfaction that he got out of all of that. Marty Moran, author of "The Tricky Part" goes to confront his perp later in life and the perp simply says that he was trying to help Marty grow up.

As for confronting your father - there are a number of threads about this. Read up and be prepared. Talk it out before you go.

Peace and love John...

Michael


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#250865 - 09/24/08 08:13 AM Re: My Father and Porn [Re: M3]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow john, you really are serious about smashing this vice!

you are now talking about it in terms of its genesis which really shows that you have been doing a lot of healthy reckoning.

now that you are considering how your father's behavior factors into the equation, it may be that you will need to sit in this stage for a while, before you actually go ahead and try to 'react' to your recent understanding.

these things take time. maybe allow your inner self [your heart] to catch up with your head before prematurely trying to resolve this.

yes, give it lots of time, and give yourself lots of breathing space, now that the arms of this 'vice' are loosening their grip.

it's great to witness the result of all of your hard work john. thanks for allowing us to grow cathartically along with you, and showing us one way to do 'it', and proving once again, that recovery is possible. and thanks ms for giving us the ground to stand on.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#251027 - 09/25/08 10:54 AM Re: My Father and Porn [Re: John Oarc]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

Yes, this qualifies as sexual abuse, which stems from the fact that your father was trying to fulfill his sexual frustrations, by pushing you guys into sex so early on in life, which amounts to abuse all right.

Though I doubt he will ever acknowledge it, let alone understand fully or ask for forgiveness, it is his own journey, there is no point giving away your power to him by expecting him to acknowledge his folly, or give you back your power! Because basically, it is all about the transfer of powerlessness from your father to you. Now only you can break the cycle by affirming your power yourself, sexual or otherwise.

As for porn, it is just a reflection of a bad body image which comes from thinking and believing that we are not sexually desirable, and vice versa! It can also stem from an experience which some how told us that we were not desirable. So the addiction really is to external means to feel lovable, which here translates to sexual power. Take away the importance from sexual power and you are free! It is transient in any case, like all powers of the body, only true power is your power to love another that you will always have!

Positive self affirmations can help us improve our body image and consciousness so that we no longer need an external medium to affirm it for us, as long as we do not do it ourselves, we always loose power to someone or something, we expect to affirm our sexual desirability, which in turn tells us that we are worth loving, though in time as we grow we learn to separate the two, i.e. our lovability and desirability! And we do so by beginning with some self love!


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#251140 - 09/25/08 11:31 PM Re: My Father and Porn [Re: Morning Star]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks guys, I am so glad we have each other and this place to come to and express ourselves. It is so comforting to have you guys helping me through this.

I am very tired and it is late, I wish I could put more into my "thank you" but I am going to have to crash.

Thanks and love to my brothers,

John

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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