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#251073 - 09/25/08 05:04 PM New to Forum, looking for advice...
StuckOnTheDock Offline


Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 3
I need to start my recovery process, and have no idea where to start. First a little background.

I was abused by two separate men when I was a child. One was a family member (not immediate), the other a trusted family friend and neighbor. Memories of the first abuse came crashing back to me just the other day when in conversation about one relative, I used the wrong name, vivid snapshots of what happened invaded my mind, no doubt about the reality of the memory...though I was 6 or 7 at the time. More and more memories have returned until I think I have a complete memory of at least one incident, how many happened I have no idea. The other happened when I was about 10 or 11. The second I remember, though had not thought about in a long time. I have felt shame and guilt over those incidents my whole life.

In the course of reading about the symptoms of abuse, I find I have many classic symptoms. Drug and alcohol abuse, withdrawl from relationships, low self asteem, addiction to pornography, to name the worst symptoms. I have long wondered what was wrong with me, why I set myself up for failure, why I am so weak in combating my addictions, why I have such a deep seated feeling of shame.

I finally recognize the source of my issues, but have no idea where to start in receiving the help I so obviously need. I feel that without help this issue is going to cost me my marriage, my carrier, as well as any possibility of a normal life.


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#251075 - 09/25/08 05:21 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: StuckOnTheDock]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Welcome to Male Survivor StuckOnTheDock!

Here are some ideas of how you can start recovery:

1) Disclose - we have places on this site where survivors post their story. Read over our stories and post your own. This may give you a sense that the burden of the secret is being lifted. And be reading our stories, you will not feel so alone or isolated and may being to feel more comfortable talking about the abuse and its aftermath.

2) Find a Therapist - there is a link from the front page to find a therapist. This will help you talk things out and process those unprocessed emotions from your childhood. The anger, shame, guilt, etc. are not your's, they belong to your abuser and you need to learn how to give them back.

3) Read - There are great books out there on recovery and abuse: Victims No Longer by Mike Lew and Abused Boys by Mic Hunter are two good books that I can think of off the top of my head. One of the moderators here, Ken Singer, also has a book that hopefully will be coming out soon too.

4) Build a Support Network - You'll need local, in-person friends to support you on your journey to recovery. These friends will be invaluable to you when you are discouraged or just need a hug and someone to listen.

5) Build Friendships Online - Build friendships here online. Having a network of friends that you have access to 24/7 online is also invaluable. Since we are survivors, we have a different perspective and shared experiences that you can draw from by posting or reading previous posts.

6) Journal - Write out your feelings. It will help you remember things you want to talk about in therapy or online and may give you a voice to your past. You can talk you your little boy and see if you can articulate the feelings, memories that are from those days. I write letter to him, discuss my feelings or just free write to see what comes out.

OK, I think that is enough. I'm sure other's will jump in to welcome you and add many more items to this list!

Peace and love...

Michael


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#251076 - 09/25/08 05:23 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: StuckOnTheDock]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to MS. I'm glad that you have found us. I think that you will find us to be a supportive bunch of guys and gals who are at many different places in our own recoveries. We have members just starting their search for personal freedom, and we have members trying to mentor others and give back to the program that they found their own freedom through.

If you can get copies of a few books I would suggest reading a couple of CSA recovery books like Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS or Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER, both of which are available for purchase from MS off of the homepage, and if you can find a copy I would also reccomend SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. These books would be an excellent place to start your search for understanding.

You are always welcome to come to the site in search of personal support. Many of are members here are or have faced similar challenges in their own recoveries. I have found it helpful to talk to people that have specific knowledge of the issues.

Again, welcome to MS.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#251077 - 09/25/08 05:37 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: StuckOnTheDock]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
I'm going to let the other guys chime in on the advise that your asking for - I just wanted to say two things to you,

First, welcome to MS. This is as good a place to start as any. Every journey starts with a first step from someplace and now you've just taken that first step - the hardest one of all.

Second, remember always as you journey along toward the resolution that you seek that recovery is a process and not an event. It takes time, is often frustrating, confusing and sometimes even a bit scary. However, I have found that there's no ride like it and finally arriving at the destination that you set for yourself makes it well worth the trip.

Joel

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#251079 - 09/25/08 05:49 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: joelRT]
StuckOnTheDock Offline


Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 3
Guys, thanks for your replies and suggestions. I find myself in an emotional place I am not used to. I am something of a wreck right now. I am 40 years old for goodness sake, and am right now about to cry, a few minutes ago was in a near rage, and just before that so disasosiated I felt near out of body.

I don't have a clue how to deal with this right now! I am used to being near emotionless, and now recognise that as just another symptom...I am SO angry right now!!


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#251081 - 09/25/08 05:54 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: StuckOnTheDock]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Welcome to recovery. Many of us here started in our 40s - nothing to be ashamed of. This is your time to heal. It's a bumpy road at times, but you'll find lots of support here.

Personally, I find writing is a great way to get some of my emotional energy out.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#251088 - 09/25/08 07:46 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: M3]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi stuck...glad you found us. you are not alone! lots of very good suggestions here. stay close and don't try to make this trip alone.

i had been troubled about memories of the abuse all my life [age 55 now], and since i came to male survivor 5+ years ago, my relationship to the abuse of the past has changed dramatically. i am no longer 'stuck on the dock' as i was for so many years prior. before coming here, i just kept on going in circles, even though i had been in recovery for many years. anyway, male survivor is the best thing that ever happened for me in regard to changing the way i perceived what happened to me over an 8 year period of my young life.

freedom from being 'stuck' can happen for you too.

wishing you all the best,


your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#251092 - 09/25/08 08:34 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: Sans Logos]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
I am new to this also Dock, and the guys that have responded to you have done the same for me. They are a Godsend. What I have learned here cannot be put into so many words, but suffice it to say you are not alone. We are all in this together. We are brothers who will get through this. Take the advice noted above, its good stuff!

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#251282 - 09/26/08 06:33 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: Geeders]
StuckOnTheDock Offline


Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 3
Guys, thanks for your support, seriously. I met with a dear friend and elder from my Church, he and I are going to work through this together, starting with a good counselor...


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#251351 - 09/26/08 10:27 PM Re: New to Forum, looking for advice... [Re: StuckOnTheDock]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Hey stuck,


Welcome to MaleSurvivor...!!! There is also an excellent source of material in the library. (see post #249128 = Re: What has helped you? Stages of recovery...)

Another good book title to start with is called, "Beyond Betrayal", (By Richard B. Gartner)

The road to recovery can sometimes get rough, but there are rewards along the way. (And it is ALWAYS worth it).


Amazing Journey (The Who)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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