I do not know about how others deal with HIV. But i feel isolated. The day that i found out that i was HIV+ i deleted my profile from a dating site for singles.

I changed my phone number so that none of the women that i had been exchanging messages with could call me. My blood is poisoned and is death. I cannot marry and have kids. Yeah the sperm can be washed to free it of HIV.I would have to be honest with the woman and tell her out right that i am HIV+, that would end it pretty quick.

I feel empty and i feel as if i have no identity. I do not want to date HIV+ women - be like a HIV+ only club. so what of the future? i do not have a future. My only companion in life is my intense hatred and anger.

I do give in sometimes to my emotions and hate myself for it. some happiness shines through the dark sky and their is a drop of a tear now and then, but this is quickly converted to hate, anger and aggression.

I feel so alone(so stupid!!!!!!!!) ................................. I am only crying on the inside...

You're not alone Duncan and not stupid at all.

Though hiv does give a significant challenge to a relationship - you will meet the right woman who will love you for you and not for your hiv status.

Peace.

Mark

hey duncan,
Sounds like you are in a funk. I don't know if this will help, but there are a lot of info on this site about coping, and depression.

http://www.thebody.com/index/mental/coping.html

I dont have any words of wisdom, other than, i've been there. I know it sucks. i know its scary. i know it totally makes you want to just fucking die and not deal with it. it seems easier that way. but check out the site. they might have some useful things for you.

Hello Jarrad,

thank you for the info. I read some more on the site. It would seem that i cannot enter the USA because i am HIV+. There goes my holiday. Get so depressing.

Duncan

i think it depends on how long you plan to stay duncan. and, you could always lie.

just a side note too, depression is huge in both HIV and CSA. are you seeing a therapist?

Jarrad,

I should be seeing someone of the 11th July and carry it on from there. I try and "accept" the HIV as part of me now - i dont know how else to cope with it.

I kept telling myself that its nothing , but in the end it became too much and on the day i was suppose to get the meds i fell apart. The doctor who i see at the clinic has advised me to see some psychologists there so that my mind can be in the right place when i get the meds.

I feel trapped thou. I had thought about camping/backpacking in one of the national parks - say yellowstone - prob next year now but i dont want to get turned away because of my status. So i will lie about what the meds are for. its the only way.

take it one day at a time. first step, talk to a therapist. he/she can help you out with all these new werid emotions. its not something you can do by yourself.

you are your own worst enemy. its a mental disease more than anything.

Hello Jarrad,

Thank you for the reply. Iam counting the days down to see the psychologists etc... its like wishing time away i also want August to hurry up as to see what the status of my immune system is like.

I have told them about my nightmares and they have suggested i draw them but i am rubbish at drawing things but i will try. i told them about the werewolves and the people without any faces that i am trying to protect from the werewolves.

I can remember the nightmares in detail and how the situation in them changes very fast, there is also the film "I AM LEGEND" that touched me in a way that no film has ever done.

i think once you get situated with a good therapist you can work through some of the shit with both CSA and HIV. both are daunting. i can't really offer advice only to keep talking about it.