Newest Members
BusterJones, Desperateforhelp, aniceguy, Green_Lantern, Safe11ride
12121 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
corvairman1 (43), marianne (44), son (35), speedy (31)
Who's Online
5 registered (MrEdd, 4 invisible), 65 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12121 Members
73 Forums
62521 Topics
438140 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#250971 - 09/24/08 09:48 PM Hello.
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
I'm new here. Just been lurking for a week or so. Wanted to introduce myself, because I think lurking is kind of creepy, and we've all probably had more than enough "creepy" in our lives.

My screen name is the name of a monster I used to have in my nightmares during early childhood; half-fish and half-chicken, in my dreams it would rise up from behind the headboard of my bed to come after me. Fishy Chickens turned out to be the least of my troubles.

My abuse started when I was 11 years old, 36 years ago. I was victimized by at least 3 people, possibly 5 or more, but memories are pretty fuzzy. I've only consciously acknowledged the abuse for the past 3 months, following my wife of 23 year's discovery of my sexually acting out with another man. Unbelievably, she has stuck with me, even though my abuse didn't come out until after two months of counselling.

Memories are slowly returning. Up and down days. The past few have been rough, following a nightmare/memory so real I thought one of the men who raped me was once again on my back, growling threats in my ear. Even though I've felt the need to cry many times since I started remembering things, I just haven't been able to, until that dream two nights ago. That enabled me to cry a little. I just feel empty and cold inside, and always an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Like I said, I just feel like I need to cry and I can't.

Sorry for babbling. I'll try to be more coherent next post.

Peace,

FT

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#250972 - 09/24/08 09:53 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
FT, do not apologize for "babbling." We bounce off all the walls when we first deal with this. We can't make sense of what we remember.

Please take it easy on yourself.

You are not alone here.

Welcome, brother. You are one of us and I speak for myself only, but with pretty good authority after being here for awhile: We will support you and be here for you.

Wish you didn't have to be here, but welcome nonetheless.

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

Top
#250973 - 09/24/08 10:02 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Tinman]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
My first T told me that in most people's lives, the shit hits the fan in their forties. Welcome to the club. I was 46 before I admitted that what happened to me as a little kid still had control over me forty years later.
You are not alone, as I'm sure you have learned by now. Everything, even the acting out, is something most of us can share in. Glad you are here. it's a great group of guys
Welcome
Paul....another paul, that is.


Top
#250977 - 09/24/08 10:12 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Paul1959]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Thank you so much. The only people I've told so far (until I posted here) are my wife and T. It's very meaningful to me to have someone who understands first-hand encourage me. Very different...comforting.

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#250983 - 09/24/08 10:35 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
Hey FT. I had very similar feelings when I first started remembering and coming to grips with my childhood abuse. It was frightening and I felt like I was losing my mind. Looking back, the thing I needed most during this stage was to take care of myself, which I didn't do very well. It's taken me a couple of years from me to get my bearings through patience and acceptance. I have to remind myself frequently, considering what I went through, that I'm doing the best I can. I tried to force the healing process at first, making myself to remember the abuse and going through my childhood obsessively trying to connect-the-dots. Anyway, I encourage you not to drive yourself crazy like I did. It's hard enough as it is. And as you can see, I babble too.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

Top
#250987 - 09/24/08 10:58 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Quťbec, Canada
Hey FT,

I'd like to offer you something meaningfull, but after reading the other posts all I can say is: "Ditto" to all that's been said. I'm sorry that you had to find your way here and I'm sure glad that you did. Babble all you want!

Joel

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

Top
#250988 - 09/24/08 11:01 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Liri]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi Fissy Tsickens. You have the support of everyone here. When I first put the pieces together, and began to come to terms with the abuse, it was extremely frightening. The world felt topsy-turvy, and everything was cast in a different light.

I cried a lot, took many, many showers. My outlook became more bitter, but I grew stronger. Things will calm down. No matter how disturbing the truth is, it is important to ackowledge it. It's the only way that recovery is possible.

You have friends at the website. Ever since I joined, I've felt a little less alone. I can discuss anything I'm going through, and almost always someone can relate.

I wish you the best.


Top
#250989 - 09/24/08 11:02 PM Re: Hello. [Re: Liri]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hi, FT. I don't believe you were babbling but if it helps, you're forgiven \:\)

It's not your fault what happened to you. There is no guilt for which you can ever bear the blame. As you've probably discovered, you're not alone. Like Paul said, it seems to happen for many of us in our forties. I was forty-six when the fecal matter hit the fan. You're in good company, Friend. A lot of great guys here to help you through the tough moments so come on in and pull up a chair.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#250991 - 09/24/08 11:17 PM Re: Hello. [Re: WalkingSouth]
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 987
Loc: Bradenton, FL
FT,

Welcome. Babbling is allowed and often encouraged. Thanks for making yourself known.

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
ÔŅĹ Rabbi Hillel

Top
#251002 - 09/25/08 03:20 AM Re: Hello. [Re: Ken Followell]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Fissy Tsickens,

The others who've replied to this thread have basically already said I planned to say, save for this:

You don't sound much like a Fishy Chicken monster to me!

Wishing you all the best with your journey ahead. It'll have good days and utterly horrendous days and with any luck in the end you'll be able to say it was all worth it.

~Bri

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

Top
#251009 - 09/25/08 07:11 AM Re: Hello. [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
ft, welcome!

i like your sense of humor

i'm glad you allowed your courage to prevail in deciding to become part of the male survivor forum family. don't worry about babbling, if coherency were a requirement, they would have kicked me out long time ago.

i am glad you are here saying what you need to say; that's the most important thing; doing what it takes to stay on course with your own healing and recovery which begins

NOW!

i wish you all the best in your unfolding recovery journey.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#251015 - 09/25/08 08:41 AM Re: Hello. [Re: Sans Logos]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Thank you ALL for the encouragement. Forced myself to go to work today, but don't feel like I'll be worth a dime. My wife keeps telling me to call the counselor. I don't know. So far, I don't really feel like it's helping. I sense true understanding and camaraderie here -- more than I've gotten from the past three months with my T. Maybe you guys are the people who will finally make me feel like I "fit."

Thanks again,

FT

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#251070 - 09/25/08 04:24 PM Re: Hello. [Re: frost]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
Hi FT. I am now 57 and the shit has been hitting the fan for years. My wife found out the same thing and I even have a scary dream similar to yours that I have had since I was very small. You are not alone. I just signed on lat night and have found so many like myself. I have always felt alone in this. Oppressive sadness has been with me for a long time . I'm told this will pass with time and revelation . Finding myself is a struggle. I hope you find yourself in a safe place. Dave

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

Top
#251413 - 09/27/08 10:01 AM Re: Hello. [Re: Davesc]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, FT. Welcome aboard for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. I am now 69 yrs young, and the boy crying inside has finally came to the surface, there's no more trying to drown him in alcohol, there's no more trying to run away from myself and it's 55 yrs after the fact. I've been in a hell of a mess for the last 2 months since I came out with my secret. I had told my two (and only) closest friends about my secret via e-mail. I had asked for help in my dealing with my PTSD+55 yrs, I received a referral to the mental health people and told my therapist face to face about my CSA, in detail. That was the hard part, face to face. Since then I've had three therapy sessions, on the last one he invited my wife to come, I had told her just a few days previously about my CSA. Well my wife of 36 yrs was in disbelief, as why didn't I tell her before we married. Hell it wasn't even on the radar screen then, so now Iam trying to not only save this boy crying inside but my marriage too. But my first priority is this boy still crying inside. You are definately not alone, you have come to the right place, you can speak your mind, nobody will judge you, you will find understanding, compassion and love. This place is my home, these persons are my salvation and they are my brothers. Hang in there, Heal well my friend.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.