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#250837 - 09/23/08 11:41 PM Guilt
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
My memories of the sexual abuse by a teacher are very fractured. He was my gym teacher. We had a swimming pool in our school. We went to the pool once a week. He kept me aside and brought me to the locker room while my classmates swam. It continued about two years.

I can't say how often it happened. I was eight when it started. But I barely spoke for ten years, had nightmares every night for ten years, was crazy for longer than that. Even now, I'm so shy, so thin, so easily startled.

I rarely have sex. I'm twenty-six. I wish I could remember more of the abuse. But what I do remember haunts me. I don't recall enjoying the sexual acts. The abuse itself is almost completely blocked out. He cleaned up my vomit once, with a towel. He gave me a bruise on my lower back and told me not to tell anyone how I got it. He told me he would tell all my classmates about the tire streaks in my underwear, if I didn't keep our secret. A classmate saw us together once. I hated that classmate afterwards.

There are moments when I felt what seemed like love for the abuser. He was handsome. A girl in my class had a crush on him, and I remember being so jealous. One day, the pool was freezing cold. One by one, my classmates left. The teacher stayed. I stayed until we were alone. I told myself that I wanted to see how long I could remain in the freezing water. My teeth chattered. I only wanted to see how strong I was. Yet, I stayed to be with him. I convinced myself otherwise with this lie. I was losing my grasp on reality. I walked up to him. He smiled. Then the memory stops. On one of my first dates, when I was twenty, out of nowhere, I suddenly remembered him taking off my glasses while I smiled brightly.

When he was fired, or quit, I remember being very sad. For some reason, I was in the staircase of my school, searching for him, crying. This memory is very strange, because I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking, or what I was doing. I only remember my desperation.

As a child, I couldn't cope with these feelings. It led to a breakdown and most of what happened being repressed.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to love a man. I'm attracted more and more to women. I want sex less and less as the years go by. I wonder how much of that is guilt. A man destroyed me when I was young, so it makes sense that I would be wary of men. But I also think I can't let myself love, because in my mind I loved him. I've had an emotional connection with a few men. It always brings out feelings of anger, resentment and hatred. I seek out controlling, unstable men who give me reasons to hate them.

I'm writing this because I want to ask, does anyone remember loving their abuser? It continues to cause me shame, though I know he was evil, he brainwashed and murdered me.

I felt neglected by my parents. I didn't have many friends. I felt isolated, probably because I was gay. Is that why? I guess I want someone to reassure me that I was a good kid. It wasn't my fault. We probably all need to be told that sometimes.


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#250839 - 09/24/08 12:22 AM Re: Guilt [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
As a child feeling neglected by his parents and feeling like an outsider among his peers because he is gay, any adult attention would be like gold to him. Children are eager to please adults that provide them with the things they long for and he was providing you with attention that you weren't getting from anyone else. That innocent boy would do anything, sacrifice anything to not lose the attention he most needs. The thing is, that innocent boy doesn't understand what he is sacrificed, what the teacher as taken from him, and how it would ultimately lead him to the brink of destruction. Did he love the abuser or did he love the getting the attention he desperately needed? I don't know. I do know that when my football coach disappeared from my life, as much as I had tried to avoid him to keep him from hurting me, knowing I'd never see him again felt like a huge loss that I didn't know how to fill.

You were a wonderful, innocent, loving child who was horribly taken advantage. So was I. So were we all. Look at a photo of you as a child, look at a niece or nephew, a neighbor boy... can you imagine that child being at fault for his teacher raping him? What could that child possibly do to deserve that? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You deserved to be loved and protected, to be nurtured and shown how to grow into being a responsible, healthy gay man.

Give it back to that teacher - the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment - for those are his burdens he must bear and his actions for which he must atone for to his God.

Now you are in a position to give that lovely, innocent boy the love and safety that he deserved to have those years ago.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#250840 - 09/24/08 12:29 AM Re: Guilt [Re: Bewlayb1]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
man with what you been through you have to give yourself a break. believe it or not you are a normal person considering what happen to you and by a normal person i mean. this is the life you have had to experience and i can almost bet you have kept these things secret for a long time , maybe maybe not but my point is when you go though something like this it messes with your mind,emotions,feelings and this becomes your normal. and as messed up as it is there can be progress made to undo all these "normal" emotions. i am not saying there is a cure but there is help you can get and this is one of the best places for such help. just read some of the stories here and you will soon find out just how normal these things are for you to feel. i did not fall in love with the 2 people who abused me but i did have love for them. they showed me attention and what i thought was love, so of course there will be confusion. the love you developed was what i like to call unhealthy love. there is a healthy love that comes from your family and friends and when this gets confused by an adult and your the innocent child with a innocent mind and innocent emotions these become your reality.man i am not trying to get all pycologest with this. i am just trying to say that you have come a long way in this whole thing and to give your self a break. you were the VICTIM and it, in my opinion would be normal to feel what you feel. because i have felt the same way. i was jealous of anyone who went around my abusers. i did not want my abusers doing the things to them that they were doing to me. i wanted to be the only one they did that stuff with. in a sick twisted way. that is were i was emotionaly as a child . sorry if i am rambling , i guess i just got to deep into this. you are not alone trust me and i do not have it all together myself i still struggle with many many things and some days are worse than others but one thing i do no is that this is a long road and we are all here to help.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
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http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#250841 - 09/24/08 12:30 AM Re: Guilt [Re: M3]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi bewlayb1,

Your post was such a difficult thing to read, because it brought up so many similar feelings that I had for the last abuser in my own life. I was 16 at the time, and he was in his mid-30s, married, and had two small children. Like you, I felt like I was in love with him because he seemed to fill so many of my needs in my life that weren't being met in other places. Things like feeling like I had some worth, some value, and that I was lovable. You were a good kid, bewlayb1, please don't ever forget that. And it was not your fault, the same as it was not my fault.

_________________________
Eddie

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#250899 - 09/24/08 01:28 PM Re: Guilt [Re: Bewlayb1]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Bewlayb1,

You were 8-10 years old; you were an innocent child. The guilt and shame are those of the abuser not the one who was abused. I thought that the older boy in the neighborhood (who had been my older sister's boyfriend for awhile) really loved me. I thought he was like an older brother that I never had. I loved him. He used me. When his family moved away suddenly, I was devastated. I kept silent for 38 years. I repressed everything; got married; had two beautiful girls; and everything about my life felt like a lie to me.

Five years ago, a year after my wife of almost 34 years died, I met a man my age. We love each other, we support each other, we are there for each other. I am my true self at last. Sure there are other problems but I am happier now than I have been in a very long time.

It was never your fault. You wanted attention, as any child does. That he violated your trust in him is his guilt and shame alone, it was never your fault.

Take good care of yourself my friend,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#250900 - 09/24/08 01:33 PM Re: Guilt [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bewlayb1,

You're hitting on a problem many survivors will remember, and I can just tell you my experience. I never said no, I never resisted, I just did what I was told. Later on, as the abuse came to dominate my life and thoughts, I even signed up for the school chorus so I would have an excuse for being late home from school - I was at the abuser's house.

When he pulled up beside me in his car as I walked around my neighborhood, I just got in when he told me to. When we got to his house I waited by the door while he put his car in the garage, and when he let me in I just went upstairs and "got ready" for him.

When it ended I was so terrified I couldn't let go of the man who saved me. But within a few days I missed the abuser terribly. I wondered why he had abandoned me and I felt ugly, rejected and unwanted. The following year I got a job painting the interior of a house, but thought the guy just wanted to do me all summer long - the house would just be the place. I went anyway, thinking, "It's not like I don't know how to do this." When nothing happened, again I felt ugly and unwanted.

You know what? None of that was my fault and none of the stuff you mention is down to you either. It just goes to show how abuse will mess up the way a boy thinks, wrecking his boundaries and destroying his sense of worth.

You're fighting to recover all that, and it's the right fight, the good fight. Keep up the work, my friend. You're worth it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#250915 - 09/24/08 03:16 PM Re: Guilt [Re: Bewlayb1]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
"I'm writing this because I want to ask, does anyone remember loving their abuser? It continues to cause me shame, though I know he was evil, he brainwashed and murdered me. "

I hear you loud and clear. I did, and it sickens me that I did, now that I better understand what he did, and how it has affected my life. The fact is that he knew I was looking for a substitute grandparent after the death of my grandmother, the one who made me special. He took advantage of a grieving young boy who wanted nothing more than to be special again to someone older. I was special alright, but in the clarity of middle age glasses I can now see and better understand. You can't get more innocent than the love of a child. He took that and twisted it to meet his own needs, having no regard for the outcome and aftermath. I grieved when he died because it rekindled the loss of my grandmother earlier. It reopened those old wounds. I did learn some positive life lessons from him but they pale in comparison to his other lessons. I don't feel guilty for how I felt at the time for I was being genuine. I feel stupid for being so used. But that is the adult speaking again. It wasn't my fault, and its not your fault either. You were a child, and he took that from you. Be kind to yourself, for you are not alone in this. Like me, you were used. We didn't chose this path. It was put upon us. Hang in there.

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#250967 - 09/24/08 09:22 PM Re: Guilt [Re: Geeders]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks for those replies. I've told others of the abuse, but never my emotional attachment to him. It's comforting to know that many of you were deceived in the same way. As an adult, I realize how sick and horrible he was. But I can't blame myself for not knowing that at eight, nine, or ten.

What Larry said about the job painting during the summer reminded me of something in junior high. I was twelve, or thirteen. There was an English teacher who was very soft-spoken and gentle. He was effeminate, but he was married. He quit midway through the year. After he announced it, I went home and cried for hours. It was weird. He wasn't even my favorite teacher. I think I expected him to abuse me, and felt lonely and rejected when he didn't.

I thank God I wasn't taken advantage of again. I was easy prey following the abuse.

Thank you again. Your experiences are invaluable to me. Usually I think of that child as someone else. Yet, still, it's important to me to know that he was good, and didn't deserve anything that happened to him.


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#250998 - 09/25/08 12:32 AM Re: Guilt [Re: Bewlayb1]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
I was abused by my older brother. My father did not have much to do with me. I always felt like I wanted to please everyone. When my brother started playing with me it was great. I loved it and wanted it to happen over and over. I guess I loved him then but as I became a teen I was so confused i thought I hated him. I still made myself available for him and then hated myself for iy. He died when I was 19 and I told myself I was glad he was dead , but then I had no one who wanted me. I searched through college but felt I was not anything to anybody. I married my wife at 24 and have been together for 34 years. I still think it was my fault and that I liked the sex and have looked for it all of my life. My brother really messed me up. I know in my head he was wrong but I still loved the attention and feel in my heart I liked it so I was just as much to blame. I am still looking for it. Yes I loved him and hated him at the same time.

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#251010 - 09/25/08 07:43 AM Re: Guilt [Re: Davesc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dave's story is similar to mine.

i was 'initiated' by my older brother, who under normal circumstances, in public, would not even acknowledge my existence as a person.

he used me for a few years, along with other siblings, and when i found that out, i was extremely jealous.

he was the first person to arouse in me the most profound feelings i had never known in my life up to that point. i came to be very emotionally attached to him.

while others at that age were seemed busy exploring relationships beyond their family systems, i was just stuck caring only about when the next occasion of closeness would happen. i knew nothing about sex prior to his abuse....how did i even know what to do? i learned on the job, but like so many others, i had disassociated from the moment, and really can't remember many of the details and thought processes that transpired during the abuse period.

my brother died at age 23 when i was just turning 21.

by that time, i had been raped [to the best of my current knowledge] on 4 separate occasions during my 2 years in the navy, the worst occurred at knifepoint. it all happened within an 8year time frame. 8 years out of 20? that's nearly half my life up to that point. i like many of us missed out on a youth that would have taken a very different turn under regular circumstances.

i had no idea how deeply this relationship would affect me, and i am still coming to terms with the damage.

it takes the rest of your life to unravel and come to terms with, but what are the options?

i don't like those as much; my inquisitive nature wins the challenge to remain alive and find positive meaning in the experience of having been sexually molested.

i wish you all the best with your healing dave, and everyone else.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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