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#250762 - 09/23/08 05:53 PM Adult Survivor
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
This question keeps running around my head and I toss it out to see what's out there.

What do you do when you're a survivor but not a CSA survivor?

Over the last 3 months, I've read all sorts of posts talking about getting in contact with the "inner child" etc. But what about those that were hurt AS ADULTS? What works with that?

I see some posts about the recovery process, but am not sure what to make of those since they seem more geared toward CSA. I feel like I'm running into a brick wall.

Maybe it's because of the significant stress in my life that I'm letting out this frustration, but I am tired of a lot of things right now. And this should be one of the happiest times in my life! Instead of fully enjoying the happiness I know I should be, some of the symptoms of my military sexual trauma are coming out to play.

Thoughts and suggestions please,

Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#250778 - 09/23/08 07:54 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: LN3(SS)]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Brian,

You are still a survivor of sexual abuse. I don't know all of the details but, unfortunately, it all follows a similar pattern. You were used by a person in authority to satisfy thier perverse sexual desires and were left feeling alone, isolated, afraid and used.

It never was your fault. Never.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#250783 - 09/23/08 08:04 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: Stephen_5]
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Mic Hunter has done some studies on military sexual abuse. His book is called "Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America's Military". Perhaps that may help.

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#250784 - 09/23/08 08:08 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: LN3(SS)]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Brian, when trauma happens what needs to happen after to "heal" is being able to grieve the loss that happened. That loss can come as lots of different things, loss of safety, loss of trust, loss of childhood, etc. The inner-child work is important because trauma as a child stunts the growth but there is also alot of other work that needs doing as well.

The steps for the grieving process are denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance. A part to remember is that we can be in one or many of these steps all at the same time. We can be angry at our loss of trust while at the same time being sad at the loss of safety. The key though is the acceptance. The acceptance comes when we've learned to trust again, to accept that we might not be able to live as we once did. Life will be different after our experiences/trauma but we can learn to accept this and still live our lives in the new reality, and live a happy life.

For myself healing has been accepting that when a car honks it's horn I'm going to jump at that because of my PTSD, it's been realizing that all of my feelings of "not-normal" are indeed very normal for what I went through. There are not many people on this planet who would react differently than I did if they grew up like I did. It's certainly not fair or easy. But it is normal.

How could you feel any other way Brian

Once you're able to grieve what happened it then becomes a matter of moving forward from that trauma and living with it like anyone else would have to do. Again not fair.

If a person gets hit by a car, it's trauma. They might forever feel unsafe walking across the road again, but to live they must walk across the road again, it's their reality.

They accept that they have to cross streets again, or their life will forever be diminished.

Please don't think I'm minimizing at all Brian, but in my opinion if we are to move forward we have to do this.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#250790 - 09/23/08 08:21 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Just wanted to add, that I think alot of talk about forgiveness is tied to this understanding of acceptance. There's a big leap between forgiving our abuser's and accepting this as part of our lives. Truely forgiving our abuser's has nothing to do with accepting our losses. I think this is a big misunderstanding.

Mike



Edited by mogigo (09/23/08 08:22 PM)
_________________________
Thriving

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#250797 - 09/23/08 08:50 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: mogigo]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Brian, I am going to wade into a controversy that I have not seen talked about here, but I know exists. And I know I am not the only one.

I have never bought the "inner child" crap. Nor have either my last two very competent therepists. It was never an issue that I brought up when I interviewed them, but came up later in therapy. Both have said the same thing. That it is pop psychology, nothing more.

I say this (risking the wrath of many, I know) to tell you what they told me. Trauma is trauma. PTSD is PTSD. Doesn't matter whether it happened as a child or an adult. The common threads with both the child abuse victim and the male adult who has been abused are betrayal, guilt, shame and bewilderment.

I am a CSA survivor. But I had several abusers over several years. So which child is it? The five year old? The twelve year old? Or the sixteen year old.

You are every bit the survivor that I am and I stand behind you 100%

Paul

(I am waiting for the lightning strike for my heresy any moment now!)

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#250799 - 09/23/08 08:59 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: Tinman]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
KA-ZAAAAAM lol, no worries Paul just would say that we need to not discount anything......yet. At least until I can come to MS and someone can say do this, this and this and all will be well.

How's you're journey Tinman, got it all figured out? Tell us how you did it please.

I'm begging

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#250806 - 09/23/08 09:30 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: mogigo]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I believe that Military Sexual Trama. Is different than Child Sexual Abuse.
Because most of the time the person that is the criminal is in a posision of athurity. The Military is set up so that if you try and report the crime, it goes no where. because the militaty traditinaly does not want to admit that there are sexual preditors in there ranks. If the victom tries to push for justice. they are the one that ends up being punished .

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#250814 - 09/23/08 09:43 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: mogigo]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Mogigo, perhaps I am reading something into your question to me, but it sounds uber sarcastic. Would you care to elaborate so I can respond appropriately?

Please note I stated an opinion. I most certainly did not say to do anything. Each of us walks our own path.


_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#250826 - 09/23/08 10:45 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: Tinman]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Sorry Paul , maybe a little in there, I don't like to hear words like, "inner child" crap and pop psychology with regards to things that may have helped others on their journey.

I'm only thinking of how that would make some feel if they have gotten some benefit out of those approaches.

Those words could proubably make some people feel pretty stupid and silly about themselves.

probably not the right approach here

Stay strong
Mike

"what works for some might not work for all"

No need to make people feel stupid because of that

I know the day I was able to "visualize!!!" my younger self being merged into myself was a day of great healing for me.

"Visualizing" being the key word





Edited by mogigo (09/23/08 10:50 PM)
_________________________
Thriving

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