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#250831 - 09/23/08 10:55 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: mogigo]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Sorry, I don't need to respond.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#250833 - 09/23/08 11:12 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: Tinman]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
shocking!, empathy is the name of the game Tinman

_________________________
Thriving

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#250835 - 09/23/08 11:29 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
The Military is set up so that if you try and report the crime, it goes no where. because the militaty traditinaly does not want to admit that there are sexual preditors in there ranks. If the victom tries to push for justice. they are the one that ends up being punished.


OKIE MIKE, you nailed it on the head! For these survivors, the secondary victimization is devastating. They are shamed in front of their friends, co-workers and family. They are tattooed with a scarlet letter right smack on the forehead for all to see and mock. They are discharged from the military in shame and left to fend for themselves wounded by the very country they swore by oath to protect and defend. This is the gravest tragedy of injustice.

Mike



Edited by Barkabus (09/23/08 11:34 PM)
_________________________
My Story

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#250853 - 09/24/08 03:35 AM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: Barkabus]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
As others have said Brian, it's not really a question of child or adult, it's a question of power.

even though i was 12-15, sinse my abusers were very much my own age, a lot of methods which others use don't seem to apply to me, sinse there was no adult authority to my abusers at all, just weight of numbers.

also, who's to say what is an adult anyway? yes i was 15, but some people are fathers at fifteen. i always got on far better with adults than those my own age at that point, and was in fact invited to several groups, such as a seminar on the holocaust, where the average given age was 18.

I'm also personally not a fan of all the inner child stuff either, but recovery very much seems to be a case of find something that works individually, rather than a one size fits all approach. people can give their opinion on what is helpful to them, and as mike said, it's always worth tryin their advice, but if it doesn't work for you, ----- fair enough.


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#250861 - 09/24/08 07:45 AM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
get ready for a ron rant......

brian, the vertical hierarchical male dominated social construct better known as the patriarchal model from which all our culture springs forth is rife with dysfunction, and we are its fodder.

awareness is ever increasing of the damage it perpetrates in institutions religious, educational, and even more apparently in its grandfather, the military system.

sorry to seem cynical [i'm really a generally happy guy!]. but at the foundation of each of these institutions lie the will to power and control and this ethic dominates everything in life that stands in need of being 'conquered'.

and that begins with the individual.

your own needs, as a person in service to an organization whose sole purpose is to preserve the 'integrity' of it own interests as a system undivided, do not matter. you were just a pawn in a game. to be of use only to the extent that you would contribute effectively to the goal of this military machine. your own individuality, your best interests, your emotional and psychological health mean nothing to this organization.

you're 18 and you want a job to make money and support yourself, maybe have a little fun and seeeeeee the world? join the military!

be all you can be! [ yea, that sounds might enticing to a youngster who is right at the stage of personal development when their dominant needs for survival and safety, gratification, control and self-determination are looking for a proving ground upon which to exert all their newly emerging powers].


sounds great, doesn't it?. ignore the fact that in this system you are groomed for murder and wreaking catastrophe on hordes of people who are, just like yourself, trying to wend a way of living, to eek out a meager existence, supporting their families, trying to find peace, happiness and love.

so here you are just believing and trusting, as you are 'being all that you can be' in service to your country and god, that everything is working for the highest and best values ever. i mean it's all biblically based, so how could it be wrong? how could it be dangerous? how could it be broken?

well as you have found out, it can be all of those things and more.

regarding your abuse in later years and within the parenthesis of this particular system, you were just as much a child abused by a parental figure, but this time the parent was an institution not an individual. your abuse was systemic. it was still about power no matter how you slice it; power, and the disparity of power between the person representing the institution under which the aegis of your abuse took place.

sorry for the blathering, but you are just as much a victim of child sexual assault as many others here. but your abuser was an institutional parent.

the proverbial parent.

scary, just plain scary.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#250990 - 09/24/08 11:08 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: LN3(SS)]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

Your age of SA might be different, but that doesn't your sense of powerlessness and victimization is any different, you might have developed more mechanisms to cope or hide your pain, but that doesn't mean your pain is different, or less!

As for the Inner Child thing, it is only about the child like innocence we come into the world with, that this is safe place to live, and has nothing to do with age.

Technically speaking, the ‘Child’ is an archetype or a mental predisposition, we all carry within, across our lifetime, which is a mark of our innocence, truthfulness, and all the wonderful qualities associated with a child. On the shadow (darker) side, it deals with childishness, and lack of responsibility for our actions, emotions and intents, which shows itself as recklessness, first emotional, and then attitudinal, or in relationships.

That is why when we access our inner child we not only help it mature, but also retain all the qualities in it that are worth retaining and perhaps cherishing! Without accessing that we can never access that magical quality that our inner child, which comes by knowing that, it is a divine child!

Coming back to the issue here, when we go thru a traumatic experience of SA, no matter what the age, we do loose that innocence about the world around and within, the journey of recovery is about regaining that sense of inner trust that you are safe and protected, by the Universe at large, and for that very reason therapists often emphasize on accessing your hurt feelings of our inner innocence - Inner child.

Because the 'grown up' part of us will always try to hide true emotions and pain, or try to be strong, and hence not release it. Whereas the child part of you will simply cry it all, and will be ok in no time! It is this emotional release which is imperative for healing and eventual recovery as only when we can release our pain, can we ever truly forgive, and only when we forgive do we move on in the truest sense!

So that the talk is about the inner you, the innocent you, which will show you, itself in all its vulnerability, a child never hides anything from any one, it is so open to all, for that very reason it is vulnerable.

So the journey of recovery is really about remaining open, and vulnerable, as a child would and does, but still living in the faith that you are safe!


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#251121 - 09/25/08 10:06 PM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: Morning Star]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Brian,

I am so glad that you brought this subject up. So glad! For years, professionals put abuse into a neat little package with all of these protocols around it that fit the perp and the abuser to make it considered CSA. The perp had to be at least 16 years old and had to be at least 6 years older than the victim, etc. etc. To that I say, BALONEY!! That neat little package junk kept me from realizing that everything that happened to me was indeed abuse. I was afraid to even imagine any of it was, even if some of it did fit the criteria. I could have come to the realization much sooner and maybe avoided some of the insanity that I have been through!!!!

The deal is: anyone can sexually abuse anyone at any age. If someone abused you in the service, then it is no less abuse thatyou suffered than any of the rest of us. That might not make you feel any better, but you belong here and need just as much support as the rest of us. You need us and we need you.

I feel bad that you had to endure what you did, but we are here to help you. You are no less an abuse victim than any of the rest of us. You are in the right place. I hope that no one would tell you anything any different. If anyone would tell you anything any different, tell them to talk to me.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.






Edited by MusicMan (09/25/08 10:11 PM)

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#251395 - 09/27/08 07:47 AM Re: Adult Survivor [Re: mogigo]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Dear Brian,

In some ways, I think your abuse is worse than mine. Yes, I was abused as a child, but you were abused at a time when you “should have” had the control. I don’t mean to poke you, by saying that you were weak or anything like that. As adults, we feel we have more control of ourselves and our environment. It seems to me to be more complex knowing that as an adult something like “sexual abuse” could happen. As a child, we are young, innocent, impressionable, and trusting. It is the nature of every child. Once that barrier is breached, we grow into adults who are usually paranoid and suspicious, especially of new people. I know that is it for me. But it must be something different altogether as an adult when you’re less willing to do something or submit to something, and your “will” cannot get you out of the situation, because of force or coercion.

To be brutally honest, before I met you I was slightly ignorant to what seems to be an “epidemic” of sexual abuse occurring in our military. I had often thought it certainly existed, but more so with men assaulting women. For that ignorance, I apologize. Like I told you before, “I lost a little bit of respect for our men and women in uniform, because of what happened to you.” And I wish dearly that I could’ve been there for you! I wish someone was there to protect you!

I don’t have a technical support list available like the “Geek Squad.” I wish I had the answers for you, but I don’t, and I won’t sit here and pass judgment and explain what I think you should do. I do know this -- sexual abuse is more about control and power. Your abuser and my abuser both had control and power over us. If there’s nothing else we have in common, isn’t that enough?

I am a person who constantly needs control. (I think that’s well documented on this site. LOL) I have to give you credit for standing up and speaking out. I just don’t know what I’d do in a similar situation. My control issues are a big reason why I will always own my own business, because frankly, I refuse to bow down and perform for anyone else. I think this is a clear result of my experience with abuse, and also my experience coming from a difficult family environment.

Did you know there is actually a rule for people who keep running into walls? Yes. It’s STOP. J And if you don’t stop, I suggest you find the lowest insurance quote possible, and think about early retirement funds. LOL

Let me make it clear, Brian. You are the single most important person I’ve connected with here. Maybe you don’t feel the same, and that’s fine, but there’s just something about you that makes it a little easier for me “to talk about things.” I hope you understand that and are not offended by my candor.

Let me steal your calling card for one post.

Peace, Love, and Soul…

Rich

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIwtzsvaVIM&feature=related

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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