I have started, well its been a month now, taking Truvada and Viramune to supress the action of the HIV virus. I did have a rough "ride" for the first couple of weeks. I only have problems with balance now.

Hang in there Duncan. They say the new drug work well. One of my best friends has been HIV+ for almost 10 years now and is doing great. Best wishes!

Peace and love...

Michael

duncan, wishing you the best as you adjust to your course of therapy. i hope you are soon back to maximum efficiency and functionality! my prayers are with you!

(((((( duncan )))))

your brother in recovery,

ron

Duncan,

Hey bro, well done! I'm glad you're giving the meds an chance and working with your doctors. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Much love,
Larry

Thank you for your replies. I write down when i take the drugs and sum the amount left so that i know when i will run out and have to get some more before that happens.

Part of me is hoping the drugs work and another part of me wants them to fail. I will continue to take them and if the virus mutates so that the drug no longer works i will take the others they have on offer.

It was a big step for me to start taking the drugs. I kept on putting it off and hoped that i could fight the virus myself. I know now that if i continued down this route my progression to AIDS would have been sooner - 2 to 3 years.

I still have intense anger and hatred within me i am trying to supress it, but it is so hard sometimes. A couple of weeks ago i made my friend cry. I felt nothing. I guess they are worried about me incase i stop taking the drugs.

I managed to repair the damage that i caused and apologised for my outburst.

I have stopped taking the drugs. The doctors do not know and never will. Its been 4 days now.

Why?

Duncan,

I hope you will be able to talk about this. These decisions are yours, of course, but please bear in mind that the doctors are only trying to work with you for your own benefit and welfare.

Much love,
Larry

yes duncan, please tell us more. you must not go through this alone.

your friend,

ron

My whole mind is coming apart. I am sorry for just saying "I have stopped taking the drugs" without explaining myself.
I hate going for the blood tests. I hate the fact that i have HIV. I look at the drugs and i do not want to take them.

I am haunted by flash backs and have nightmares of werewolves and faceless people. I cant save them. I loose everytime. I have hatred and anger burning in my heart. I feel unclean and dirty everyday; having this virus makes that feeling worse. I hate myself.

I just do not know any more. which way to turn? or is every turning a dead end?

sorry.............

Duncan,

My heart breaks for you.

I'm worried that you will let the HIV go, get worse (AIDS), and then make progress in recovery and wish you had taken better care of yourself.

Honestly, I think I've been in a similar situation with a chronic intestinal disorder. I had a cocktail of 14-24 pills four times a day (# varied at different times of the day), I was sick all the time, couldn't eat solid food, the pain was unbearable, I lived alone and my boss was an ass. On top of that, I was still trying to be in denial about my abuse and it wasn't working. I really wanted to just give up. I even started eating things that aggravated my illness because I needed the "comfort food." Well, that is what I told my friends. It was really just self-destructive behavior because I was too much of a pussy to kill myself (that's what my mom would say about it).

The thing is, I wished things could be better, so I always ended up doing what was in my best interest for the most part. I got myself disease under control and years later, I've been in therapy, getting really good results in recovery, I'm in a pretty decent relationship for the first time in my life (I'm 41) and I can honestly say I'm generally a happy person no matter how much shit is going on in my life right now.

What I'm trying to say is, have hope. Hope that things can get better, hope that you can recover from the sexual abuse, hope that you can be happy. Maybe you need to change therapists, maybe you need to build a better support network of friends, maybe you need to talk things out more. I don't know. But if you want change and things aren't working the way things are now, make change - but do it in a way that you really get what you want.

Too many people value you for being you. You have friends here on the site and I'm sure you have friends at home that care about you too. People care. I care.

Keep talking...
Care for yourself...
Peace and love Duncan...

Michael

Michael

I am going to let it go. I am sorry. I am in constant darkness, always angry and full of hatred. I can never let go of the hate and anger.

I have destroyed the friends that i had. I turned everyone i knew against me. I see never ending darkness. I wish I was not like this........... I never wanted to start the drugs, i just want to let it run to its logical conclusion - end the pain.

I am sorry that i come across this way. I have tried, really tried to feel humanity within myself but it gets lost in the hatred.

I have no intention of stopping the virus. I do not care for myself. I died back in the past and died again all what is left is an empty shell with no feelings............................................. i feel as if i am a burden on society having to take the drugs that cost a lot of money. i feel guilty for it. i always feel guilty. I dont know what to do anymore....................

please do not worry.......... i will be around for a long time

duncan

Duncan,

I'm really sorry you have come to that conclusion. Just remember, I care about you. I will listen. You know where to find me.

I hope you find peace.

Much love,

Michael

Hi Duncan

Like yourself, guilt was something I used to feel when I saw how much the drugs cost .
I remember one appointment with the pharmacist when I was asked if I had a preference? as to how
the labelling was put on the pill jars.
I mentioned seeing the dollar figures on each of the 6 bottles I got every 3 months used to affect me negatively.
This was a first for her & she told me she would pass my remarks on.
She told me to remember that the dollar value of the drugs reflected what the pharmaceutical companies were
displaying to the Federal Government, (Universal Health Care in Canada) & that
the actual cost of the drugs was considerably lower.
"Inflated" cost recoups what the companies report as "start up costs" ie research testing etc.
(They probably wrote most off, got tax breaks initially & so on)

It all comes down to self value specifically.
The one we put on ourselves & how much we value life.

Rather than feeling guilty, some see drug costs as how valuable they are & how precious life can be.
Feel free to PM me anytime.

C

Duncan The first year I got sick I hated the meds. I felt guilty all the time. They reminded me I was sick two times a day just in case I would forget. I was embarrassed to take them in front of my wife. I would fill my weekly pi box when she was not around. THE POINT I got over it with time. I found the regimen that works for me and the people I have met because of the virus are really wonderful people. JUST LIKE YOU. Your are not dirty You are not tainted. You have a really bad case of the FLU. Take two aspirin (your meds) and call me in the morning. We want you around for a long time. Remember HIV and AIDS will not kill you . It is all the other little bugs that we can get now that can kill us. You are worth the meds, the cost, the time and effort. You are one of us and we love you. Dave

Dave,

I am sick at the though of the drugs. I am going to continue without them. and if i am wrong then i will fall on my own sword. Its only in the last year or so that i have started to get sick.

I do not want to be in a "HIV" only club, yeah i could date women who have the virus, but i do not want that. I believe the meds will kill me faster than the virus.

Duncan I've missed you , Been gone for a few days. You do not have to date HIV only women. My wife is not Pos and we are still together, having sex and fun doing it. The meds will not kill you faster. I have friends no longer with us because they were not alive to see all the different drugs available today. Talk to the Doc, ask about Atripla. It will be easy to take and very little side effects if any for you. Then get out there and meet a great girl!!!!!

Well......... i have restarted taking Truvada and viramune for now. I get another set of tests results on the 10th November - yeah three weeks away.

I guess with all the stopping and starting the virus will mutate and the drugs will be ineffective, but i do not care. This is what i want to happen. I hate the drugs, i hate all of it - even myself.

I have been unable to sleep. I keep waking up at different times.

The AIDS epidemic is spreading its arms as time passes by; many don’t even know they are infected while many have already fallen prey to it. As of today, about 0.5% of the total population (around 40 million) is infected with HIV/AIDS. Since 2003, a company by the name of CytoDyn has devoted its time and effort to find a cure for this deadly disease. Recently, they have started working in collaboration with the Massachusetts General Hospital on their immune-based therapy for AIDS, a drug called Cytolin. You can view the current press release about this development at the link below:

http://blog.insidecytolin.com/?p=197

Duncan,

Taking the drugs, sucks. I had a 1 month prophylactic course and during that time I gained a healthy respect for friends that are on them.

Please fight, it's hard, but you really are worth it.

I wish I had the words to say what I'm feeling and wishing for you, just know that you will be in my thoughts.

The drugs will help keep you alive. Were there is life, there is hope (and all the other cliches.

A friend of mine died a couple of months ago, from AIDS. He moved home to Portland to die 8 years ago, but he didn't. Instead he found a new life and love for the first time. He got well enough to work for 6 of those 8 years and made many peoples lives better. I miss him greatly, Cully (this is the first time I've said his name since he dies) was an amazing man.

I hope that you understand that people that have never met you care.

Hi Mike

I gave up on the drugs yet again. I must admit my cd4 count without the drugs was unchanged 296 without!!!!! for six months. The docs decided to start me very late with them, i was below 100 when i started.

The drugs made me sick and the docs refused to change the drugs so i stopped. i feel no worse off for stopping.

The local yobs taunt me about my condition and now the police are involved. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your friend.

Duncan

i'm sorry for what you guys have to go tru. i dont know what else to say. i respect how hard you fight

i have restarted the anti retroviral drugs. this time i am continuing with it. i will not allow my "darkside" to control me.

That's great to hear Duncan. I'm proud of you.

Remember we're here for you the next time you get the urge to chuck the meds again or anytime you need help or encouragement or just need to vent.

I can't imagine how much this sucks. I know it's not fair in any respect but you're a survivor!

Mike

Duncan,

I am very proud of you. I had a friend NOT take them or "deal" with his csa.

I have a health issues as well so, I get it. It is tough.

YOU and I are survivors.

You are awesome. Hang in there.

Donnie-DJ

Thank you Duncan.

right on bro!

(((( dunc ))))

ron

Thank you Mike,Donnie,Mike and Ron for your encouraging words.

duncan, we dont talk much but i think about u a lot n i wish u can stick to treatment now n get better... at least not worst.. you're amazing, keep fighting man

Duncan,

I hope you see this and know that I think of you. Be well

Hello Mike,


sorry for the late reply. I am now three months into taking the drugs and have not quited yet. I am still unwell, bad chest pains and things like that. A sore throat that comes and goes.

Duncan

Thanks for letting me know. I really do think of you, and continue to wish that you be well.

Duncan,

I just found this website tonight, and actually seeing your posts regarding the HIV drugs is what motivated me to go ahead and register (otherwise I probably would have stayed anonymous). I'm really glad you are taking the drugs again. I stopped taking the drugs for a few years once and I got KS cancer (oportunistic infection), that was a wake up call for me. I have had 4 HIV specialist over the years, I've had this disease for a long time.

Last year I got a new doctor who is amazing, and that is making a lot of difference. Research the medicines yourself, make sure you understand the side-effects and treat them. That's a big part to dealing with all of this.

My current doctor has had amazing success with treating all of the side effects, like the unusual fat deposits and sunken faces. He does that with nutrional supplements. I've had HIV for a long time, and no one can tell by looking at me.

I also take 2 anti-depressants (because one of my medications casuses depression. And I did a lot of research regarding HIV fatigue, because it was so hard for me to get through a day. I wound up having my doctor put me on the drug Nuvigil. Nuvigil is for narcolepsy, but I found govt trials where they were using it to combat HIV and Cancer fatigue. Basically it's a speed type drug without all of the side-effects and adictive properties of amphetamine drugs.

I'm also very fortunate because the doctor I go to now is a research doctor and is involved in a lot of research for HIV. Last year he was already testing for a side effect called CAN (cardiac autonomic nueropothay) before it was even released by the FDA. This is a current issue that is just starting to come out regarding Protease Inhibitors. The FDA report that came out in Nov/09 states that it comes from a combination of two of those type of drugs. However the actual details are still in research, and I only take one of the two drugs in the FDA report and I have it. Basically if you take a Protease Inhibitor, you needed to be tested for CAN. CAN = damaged nerves that control your heartbeat and can lead to a sudden fatal heart attack. However by taking a simple heart pill for the rest of your life you can counteract that.

Duncan I want to go on tell you that my life is getting back to normal, and yours can to. The first couple of years after starting back on the meds were not fun. And it was a lot of trial and error trying to treat the side-effects. And I didn't tell you about all of them. There are still quite a few that I either have dealt with or do deal with.

As you get stronger, things get better. Stick in there!!!

With Love & Prayers my brother,

Rex

Rex,
I am pleased that this post motivated you to register. welcome. sorry to hear whay you have been or going through. I am controlled by the darkerside of my personality.

I battle everyday to maintain control, but is so hard to resist the call to just give up and stop the fighting within myself. I have stopped and started the drugs as a result of the on going conflict and only go back when i become to sick to carry on.

I have resisted that call to give up now for three months... a record for me. I am on Truvada and Viramune.

I will try and keep taking the drugs, but i can make no promises even to myself. I have failed so many times

HI D. The only thing you can do is try each day. You have friends here and elsewhere who want to see you succeed. If you feel like quitting, e-mail or call. We are in your corner. Bless ya D

You are not failing, you may not be succeeding at your goal, but that is not failure. You are making yourself take an evil cocktail, necessary but it is not pleasant. I ask that you keep trying, and stop talking about this as if failure is not taking a pill. Failure is giving up.

I am coming into the fourth month on these drugs... I will continue to take them for as long as my other self allows me too.

I have so much hate and anger within me, i cannot let it go. Its dragging me slowly down with it. The battle goes on.

I do know it will not be the virus that will get the better of me.. its will be those drugs.

Duncan,

I'm glad that you are at least giving them a chance. Hang in there, and come here as often as you need to vent. We're with you, and for you.

Jim

I agree, if you need to talk I will be around. Hang in there, please.

u amaze me Duncan. please, dont stop fighting.

Duncan,

I've been reading this thread and every time I read every single one of the responses, one thing came to mind. Think of all those people that have no access to that care and don't have the opportunity to get medication to help control the virus. You are lucky to have that opportunity, take advantage of it and keep fighting and surviving.

Hang in there man.

Best Regards,