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#250702 - 09/23/08 09:27 AM Lost
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Things have been unbelievably tense at home - it hasn't helped that we attend different churches, which my wife hates. This is something I've discussed with my pastor in the past - we've always managed to make things work. This past month it has become "unworkable". For the sake of my marriage, I resigned my position at the church I've been at, explaining I need to be with my family, that with my recovery work - I really need all the stability I can get.

So today I get an email response from the man who for the past 16 years I have considered my best friend. It said, in a nutshell:

Mark,
We are saddened and shocked by the brevity of your decision.
Go with His blessings.
Pastor


Brevity? He's known this has been building for some time - just how much information did he expect?. And though I truly appreciate God's blessings - what about my "best friend's" blessings? But then - he DID sign it 'Pastor'. No first name. No indication we've ever been more than "co-workers".

I am truly lost. Yeah - I expected he wasn't going to be thrilled with my decision - but somehow in all that I expected at least a glimpse of my best friend - not a cold, brief "goodbye" from "the Pastor".

And in my email to him - where I talked about everything going on ... his reply came to me and "undisclosed recipients" - which means heaven-only knows who all at the church he just disclosed to for me.

Relationships inside the church should not be so empty of consideration and feeling. And as far as a reply from "a friend" - well, it's not hard to see I was, once again, WRONG about who to accept as a friend.

Beyond tears,

M



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#250713 - 09/23/08 12:29 PM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
(((Mark)))

I'm so sorry your pastor is making things more difficult for you. You are right that he should have responded more as a friend than a co-worker. To me, that just comes across as very selfish of him.

Maybe the two of you could go out for a "beer" and talk. You have the right to know who the "undisclosed recipients" were and to ask him why he seems to have turned his back on your when you are hurting. There may be extenuating circumstance that you don't know, or maybe he didn't realize how cold and unfeeling the email seemed. I would at least give him the opportunity to set the record straight, but I'd want it in person so I could see his eyes and body language.

Don't beat yourself up, everybody, even non CSA survivors, make this mistake from time to time. We may make it more often, but that doesn't make us bad or incapable, we are just having to make those judgments within the context of the things others have already done to us.

Honestly Mark, whether he is a friend or not, he is your pastor and, in my opinion, that alone should have entitled you to more compassion and understanding than that e-mail expressed. Seems kind of weird to me.

You do have many friends here and I know for a fact you weren't wrong in accepting us!

Peace and love Mark...

Michael


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#250724 - 09/23/08 01:56 PM Re: Lost [Re: M3]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i appreciate your response, Michael - but the more i look at the Pastor's email, the more i understand true "brevity". And regardless of who the other recipients of his email were - they know now.

A sixteen-year relationship cut off completely because i needed to take care of myself and my family.

Whether he is a friend or not? i don't think he ever was one. And as for being my Pastor - if that didn't end with my resignation, it most certainly ended with his response.

You are right in that i have many acquaintances here at MS.org. But "friends"? i don't know what that word means anymore - if it even HAS any real meaning.

Thanx again for your response, and the blessing at the end. A blessing i would have expected from ... but that's past. Now is a time of severe grief and sorrow.

Though this hasn't shaken my faith or belief in God (i not sure anything could) - i dunno if i'll be walking into a church any time soon. if ever. and won't THAT make ripples at home.

m


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#250729 - 09/23/08 02:06 PM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Well, next Sunday, you can be going to church to be with your family, not to be friends with the pastor or the congregation. But I do understand, that is going to be a wound that will take some time to heal. We're in your corner Mark - keep fighting for what you believe in, keep fighting for your family, and keep fighting for healing.

Michael


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#250755 - 09/23/08 04:53 PM Re: Lost [Re: M3]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: M3
keep fighting for what you believe in

... i'm not sure i even know what that is anymore ...

i know - it's the effects of the CSA, at least to a large part, that has me so angry, confused, and upset - but that doesn't make the hurt any less real.

or painful.


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#250827 - 09/23/08 10:47 PM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
Mark
I can feel the hurt in yur words. I would like to say a couple of things, The Family that Prays togeather will stay togeather.
Leaving a Pastor or church is never easy but remember why you are there. Get your Word (Bible) out and find confort in the words. I hope you are able to find some peace here.
May God Bless you and your family
Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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#250828 - 09/23/08 10:50 PM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Mark,

My guess is that first of all, he heard you say on several occasions that this was a possibility but wasn't really listening because he didn't want to hear it. Denial is a huge thing in people's lives, even the life of a pastor sometimes.

Secondly I'd guess he's thinking about how this impacts him. His own insecurities (yes, everyone has them) are probably coming into play here and it hurts to see you leave. Perhaps he's forgotten that you are trying desperately to hold it together for your family and that you're hurting too.

You need to do what you feel is best for your situation and others need to have the grace to be okay, even rejoice with you in that decision. I'm sorry this hasn't happened for you in this situation, but given time it may.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#250974 - 09/24/08 10:02 PM Re: Lost [Re: WalkingSouth]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Tonight is Worship Team rehearsal - my first not there. I know the pain and grief will pass - and I have incredible memories of wonderful people there. Someday those memories will totally dwarf the hurt and shame - until only the joy remains.

But tonight I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.

M


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#250979 - 09/24/08 10:19 PM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Mark,

I'm sorry you got this kind of response from what you thought was a good friend. It seems like you should have gotten so much more in the way of support and understanding. I'm glad you have good memories of those people there, I hope you can focus on that and what they meant to you while you go through this transition. But you did the right thing in looking after yourself and your family, that's where your priorities should be.

_________________________
Eddie

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#251346 - 09/26/08 10:15 PM Re: Lost [Re: EGL]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I made the mistake of telling the music secretary about my decision and have now been chastised for "letting the cat out of the bag" before the Pastor was prepared and endangering the health of the Worship Team - so he had to intervene Wednesday night and talk to people when he wasn't ready yet. He doesn't plan on people knowing until Sunday.

And that's fine - he can tell people when and what he wants. More and more I think I made the right decision.

M


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#251356 - 09/26/08 10:40 PM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I'm sorry Mark, you are in pain, you and your marriage are suffering and you made a decision to salvage that. Being "chastised for 'letting the cat out of the bag'" is CRAP (please excuse my language)! I can't believe that the Worship Team could be so fragile that if a member needs to leave in an emergency, the Worship Team's well being supersedes the health and well-being of the person in crisis. They should be reaching out to you and making sure you are OK and your transition out of the church is as affirming as possible.

You did what you had to do and I admire you for making that sacrifice to save your family. I can't believe that you aren't being supported in that choice. I'm really flabbergasted by this.

I'm sorry (((Mark))), really sorry...

Michael


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#251357 - 09/26/08 10:43 PM Re: Lost [Re: M3]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
it's not "a member" that left - it was the Worship Minister that left.

: shrug :

not that it matters - it's over with now. done. finished.

and maybe i should just stay away from music for a while.

m


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#251417 - 09/27/08 10:17 AM Re: Lost [Re: MarkK]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Originally Posted By: MarkK
More and more I think I made the right decision.

Mark, you may be right.

It sounds to me like there were a lot of folk in the congregation and on the worship team that care about you a lot though. That doesn't necessarily make his approach correct of course. You are the one who has made this decision and it would seem to me it's yours to tell whomever and whenever, not the other way around. I guess everyone has their issues including him.

I'm sorry this has and is happening. It can happen with grace and love or it can happen the way it is. I wish it were the former for your sake.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#251450 - 09/27/08 01:55 PM Re: Lost [Re: WalkingSouth]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
((MarkK))

Sorry this happened. People, even pastors, can be pretty rotten sometimes. He must have his own issues.

I was a worship leader and admin board chairman at a church for about 5 years. There was a church split, everything went crazy, and for the sake of those who stayed, I resigned. Backlash ensued. Turned me off. Stayed out of church for 3 years, because my eyes were on people instead of God. Don't let this happen to you. When the music stopped, something in me died.

We're back in (a different) church again, and this is another part of my life I'm working thru for healing. I'm still keeping at an arms length, but the church has a terrific worship team. Right now, I'm satisfied not leading that ministry. I'm just trying to get back into my own personal worship of the Lord.

I'm sure you already know it, but "eyes on Jesus." We've been messed up by enough rotten people already.

I'm so sorry for the hurt you feel right now.

(((MarkK)))

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

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#251545 - 09/27/08 09:35 PM Re: Lost [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Fissy Tsickens
When the music stopped, something in me died.

yeah - i know that feeling ... it died here too.

and i dunno if i really care anymore.

m


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