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#250691 - 09/23/08 06:03 AM Despite everything, I hit the wall today!
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
i'm really sorry about this topic, i can't even give a good reason.

I thought things were actually progressing, if slowly, then literally i wake up this morning feeling bloody awful. i'm so annoyed with myself! i should be better able to cope with this. but i tried all my coping stratogies and nothings working thus far.

i tried playing some chess, ---- no go.
I did my exercise routine this morning, and made some important phone calls, among them one about the nxt performance I'll be doing, and one about booking the cross country skeeing trip i'm going on in January.

I even lefgt a message with the uni counceling service about starting up seeing my t again.

but once more, though, nothing! I'm stil back here, at the bottom of the well staring up, feeling disgusted with myself. i'd planned to really have a writing blitz today, and of course that hasn't happened. i can't even muster the energy to go shopping.

i'm so bloody pathetic! and yes i know, i'm covering old ground again, which just makes me even mored pissed off with me.

sorry again people, in fact I'd better post this before I talk myself out of it.

I'm really sorry for yet another topic, i know i'll probably be better tomorrow, ----- in fact i dam well hope so, i'm just so frustrated to find myself back here again.


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#250693 - 09/23/08 06:36 AM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: dark empathy]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.





Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 12:51 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#250694 - 09/23/08 07:40 AM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: joelRT]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
The nice thing that I have discovered about feeling like I'm "at the bottom of the well starting up" is exactly that: I have nowhere to go but up!

I don't think you have anything to be disgusted over. Even when climbing, there are too many times when you have to back up to go around. That's just living life on life's terms. Pathetic? Doesn't sound like it. Instead, it sounds like you are trying to all the right things to keep moving.

You just did better than I do somedays. Be proud of yourself!

Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#250703 - 09/23/08 09:58 AM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dark, i am sorry for the place that you find yourself today.

about those 'strategies'; control tactics in recovery have a very short shelf life. the attitudes that initiate the construction of such escape mechanisms, eventually, no longer serve their purpose and continually practicing them, only keeps reinforcing them. these management techniques in my opinion are no different than drug use as a way to circumvent the pain and challenge of living, but without the negatory social/moral implications. i've used them myself and found that they get me no where fast. but take heart! the place you find yourself, believe it or not, is evidence of the progress you so desperately seek.

sometimes you just have to hunker down in the bottom of that well and make peace with the darkness and solitude of your situation. YUK, not that!

when those other escape clauses no longer provide egress they had in the past, it is time to throw away the old manual of survival and begin to live in the risk of the empty moment where a new voice emerges to reveal new potential there; new direction, new depth of discovery for your life.

yes there is a lot of fear and trepidation too. but confronting that leads to the eventual appropriation of fresh sense of purpose.

i know it does not seem very inviting, but this dead end point for me, in retrospect, invariably has shown itself to be an invitation to a step through a new door, leading to the construction of new strategy for the next chapter.

how can you get out of this cycle that keeps you locked into these repeating patterns? how can you find release from them, and allow your life to become a spiraling event?

what has got you so invested in thinking about yourself with such frustration and disappointment? have you some unrealistic image of 'where or who you should be' at this time. is it possible that you could step back and accept your situation, embrace yourself with compassion without judgment?

who is this person who holds such high expectations? what pupose will these expectations serve? [beyond causing such conflict within?]

i know you know this dark, but just to refresh and hopefully ease the tension, this recovery is a process, a journey with a purpose, but not necessarily a destination.

right now it seems you have arrived at the bottom of a well, but the road has not ended here.

there are new dreams to be dreamed. in due time, they will come. just w-a-i-t and see.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#250709 - 09/23/08 11:44 AM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
(((DarkEmpathy)))

Ron is right. Coping mechanisms are just that, short term stop gap measures to help you cope for a bit. I spent years going from one to the other until nothing worked and I'd tried every thing I knew or could learn about. They are really like having a step-stool that keeps your head above the water but it doesn't provide a way out of the well, nor does it help you if the water rises.

It's not productive to beat yourself up and you know that and you know you don't deserve that. Keep talking, keep posting. If you can't get back to the writing that you planned, write about what you are feeling as a way of releasing that energy so you can refocus. Later (days, weeks, months, years,...) go back and read the writings you made in venting these emotions. You'll be reminded by how far you've come and you may come across some gems in your own writing.

Remember, we are listening and we care...

Michael


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#250715 - 09/23/08 12:57 PM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: M3]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
thanks people. I'm really sorry about coming here and complaining, i just get so frustrated sometimes with the way that sudden days like this interfere with my life. i've been on recovery work for almost a year now with the express purpose of stopping myself feeling like this and sorting things out. i'd like to think things have been getting better recently and some stuff I've been doing has worked, then i end up back here again.

brian, I really appreciate the confidence, but on a day like today it hardly feels justified.

Joel and ron, I'm really not sure about the "new atitude" business. It's not the sense that I have too high expectations of myself, rather the opposite. worthlessness is a constant for me and something i've been trying to deal with both in and out of therapy. all that happens in my down periods is that that I'm left inescapably alone with that sense of worthlessness, with no way of destraction or avoidence, with the worth thoughts and litanies playing in my mind over and over again, ----- like the thought aht the physically closest I've been to anyone was during my abuse. like the thought that i've been gang raped, touched, spat on, but never kissed. it's really a dementor moment.

all I find myself doing is curling into a ball and waiting for things to pass, then tomorrow I'll try again.

Michael, your suggestion of writing is a good one, and I think I'll try a poem if i can. by "writing" in this case, i actually meant my Phd thesis. i've already had to cut back from full time to part time because of my recovery, and sinse I went part time in may, i've done probably more work than in he previous 18 months. recently though, while reading, i've had a real burning desire to start writing, and some interesting thoughts about the subject. this week i planned to really get some of that down, so it's incredibly frustrating to be paralized like this.

i'd also really like to justify my tutor's faith in me, sinse he's someone I really admire as a philosopher, fully supported my part time application (and yes, he knew the reason), and has been incredibly understanding. sinse I haven't seen him for a couple of months, i'm slightly worried about what he thinks, and would really like to have some extensive good quality stuff to show him. That's another reason i'm aggravated by todayand hopin I'll be better soon.

thanks for reading and replying and most especially with tolerating me. i'm really sorry for dumping all this here.

Luke.


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#250719 - 09/23/08 01:13 PM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: dark empathy]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Luke

Good luck with your Ph.D.! I'm applying for Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs this fall - it's exhausting!

Sometimes I just need to get the emotional energy out to focus and writing, at this point in time, helps. I used to do artwork but my graphic design work burned me out. I used to hate to write so I was surprised when I picked up my laptop one night and wrote about my story until I had to go to work the next morning. It just seems to be a great release and sometimes you just have to follow that impulse.

Hopefully you'll be able to focus on that thesis soon. I'm sure your professor will appreciate the work you can show him as well as progress you've made in your recovery and the work you've done on that too.

There is no tolerating you!! Many of us have experienced what you are going through and have felt the same way. We can sympathize and empathize and have the desire to see you and everyone else here healed and feeling whole. I find that offering support helps me better understand my journey and furthers my own recovery.

I'm glad that you take my hand when I reach out to offer you support. When that happens, I cannot see anything you do on this site as dumping. It's simply a call to be heard. We are listening. We are brothers in recovery.

Peace and love Luke...

Michael


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#250750 - 09/23/08 03:58 PM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: M3]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
Dark Empathy,

No words of wisdom from me just understanding, support and love. I find myself one day feeling vicorious and joyous and the next thing you know the nightmares come back and I am throwing up again in the bathroom all night then catatonic unable to move or care or anything.

So far I am lucky, I have a son that needs me to be a Dad so I am forced to act and pretend to be normal. Funny sometimes as I am faking normalcy I start feeling like I am part of the world again.

Hang in there each day will turn and hope and beuty still exist in the world. I often find it hear along with the kindness, the brotherhood and the genuine care and love.

Sorry if I am rambling.

I will keep a good thought for you and hope my thoughts and energy find thier way to you at this time.

My honor, respect and love

Dave


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#250860 - 09/24/08 07:29 AM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: kutcher]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Dave, and thanks, it is appreciated.

i am feeling slightly better today than i was, which is an improvement over previous occasions, sinse in the past my off periods have been known to last for a week. I know part of this is due to my medication, but i'd hope some degree is due to work i've put in as well. I'm starting up with my t tomorrow again, so work will continue at any rate.

Michael, I do actually get something out of your comments and advice here, so it's great you post this type of thing. the problem for me is writing properly, ---- whether that be fiction or academically, requires me to be in a good enough mental state. the worse off my mind is, the less things work. things were okay during my degree, sinse if I had a bad day there were always lectures to go to, which were a great destraction. being a post grad though, things starteD to slip sinse I was much more thrown on my own resources, ---- the fact that al my undergrad friends left and post grads in durham tend to be a very snobbish cleaky bunch didn't help either.

despite this I got my ma, but when i went on to the phd, things really started to go wrong, i got into a horrible cycle where the worse i felt, the less work I was able to do, and the less I did, the more I felt guilty. thinking about this time last year, i'm amazeD i DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK SOMETHING WAS GOING WRONG, BUT IT TOOK A SHORT SHARP SHOCK LAST NOVEMBER TO MAKE ME REALIZE THAT, AFTER WHICH i APPLIED FOR PART TIME STUDY.

AS i SAID THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER, BUT AS IT'S NOW THE START OF A NEW ACADEMIC YEAR, I'D REALLY LIKE TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF AND GET SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE DONE, ----- SINSE MY PHD IS ON DISABILITY AND QUALITY OF LIFE, i COULD PROBABLY EVEN COUNT EXPERIENCING FIRST HAND MENTAL PROBLEMS AS RESEARCH INTO MENTAL DISABILITY, ;D.

CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY IS INTREAGUING, ANY IDEA WHICH AREA YOU'D LIKE TO WORK ON? i'VE GOT A FRIEND TAKING A MA IN THAT AT THE SECOND.


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#250864 - 09/24/08 08:04 AM Re: Despite everything, I hit the wall today! [Re: dark empathy]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I used to have terrible times when I had lots of independent work to do for school (I'm finishing up a second masters so I can sympathize).

My solution was to get out of the house to work. I was lucky, I have a laptop, so I would go work at coffee houses, libraries, etc. At one point, I even had one of those baskets (with wheels) school teachers use to carry all of my research from place to place. But getting out and having lots of distractions drowned out the negative tape that was looping in my head. One time I wrote a paper with the TV on and a new CD on the stereo. By the end of the day I'd learned the lyrics to every song on the CD, was up to date on every news story and had written the longest term paper of my life for a Ph.D. level Evolutionary Theory class. I know these are only stop gap measure, but they did and still do, work when I need them too.

Yep. Wanted to change career to be a school teaching and am finishing my masters in teaching, but it is very triggering for me so I want to treat PTSD and work primarily with adult male CSA survivors. I think being able to offer a hand back to help others reach the level of recovery I've achieved is the most important work I could possible do besides being a father (I adopted a boy almost 8 years ago - he's a survivor too).

Let me know if any of this is helpful for you!

Michael


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