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#250257 - 09/19/08 07:59 AM Reconnecting with my past... in a good way
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I thought it would be nice to share with you fellas some stuff I have been doing that has brought me a tremendous feeling of healing. It doesn't seem like a lot of happy stuff happens around this board so I'll try to shift that (at least that's my perception, I mean no offense)

About a year ago I decided to search for an old boyfriend who abandoned me from 3000 miles away (it was too easy to do I guess). I came across a one-time use people finder who found him on a class reunion website. It was definitely him. (BTW, if you come across one of these don't use it!! I was tricked and some other company stole my credit card info. I started getting monthly $20 charges from 24PROTECTPLUS, and I had to go through the whole fraud thing and change my card number. I got everything back though, so it turned out okay).

Anyway, since abandonment is one of my big emotional triggers, I decided to send him an email and offer my friendship (forgiveness). I always liked the guy and I just needed closure so I figured what the hell.

I'm so glad I did, his first solid email to me was full of apologies and regrets. He told me that leaving me hanging like that left a void in him that he hasn't been able to fill. He confessed to being a very selfish person back then, and said that he was very sorry and that he has matured a great deal. He then went on to say he was in the process of getting out of a five-year relationship that was very messy.

He was so excited to hear from me, he got a little carried away and was hoping I was single again. Of course I told him I am not, but that I would really like it if we could be friends and stay in touch, and I was hoping he felt similarly. He didn't seem too happy with that at first, but the idea grew on him. I think he felt a certain amount of personal pain (guilt and regret probably) finally let go. He confessed that he did not expect my offer of friendship to make his current breakup and house-sale seem less painful.

We both got something wonderful out of it and I'm so glad I decided to contact him. I even went as far as telling him that I insist we be friends, and if I ever thought he was avoiding me I would hunt him down (jokingly, of course).


I went back even further and contacted a 5-6 year crush from high school, who was my best friend during that time (that was the only way I knew how to have a boy I liked in my life). He was very receptive. We had lunch one day and I was very relieved that the feelings of attraction I used to have were gone! That was not really the goal but I was curious to see if those old feelings would come back, the goal was to reestablish friendship.

So to sum it up, I'm really glad I've done this because I feel like a lot of personal anger and regret has sorta dissolved into something more valuable. I guess it's progress and maturity ("toot toot" - that's me tootin my own horn)

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#250260 - 09/19/08 08:30 AM Re: Reconnecting with my past... in a good way [Re: cbfull]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow craig! what a great witness to both your own self as a person of integrity and to your recovery!

something tells me you were NOT kidding when you said you would track him down. hahahaha! [you could well be a compulsive tracker-downer and just not be aware of it yet!]

omg, it's friday already, i'm giddy with silliness!

have a great day and thanks for sharing the fun and good stuff with us,

your brother in recovery,

ron
ps: i'm feeling creative today

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#250261 - 09/19/08 08:38 AM Re: Reconnecting with my past... in a good way [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Craig,

That's awesome!! Congratulations on reaching out and furthering your recovery. I too have found reconnecting with old friends to be very helpful, especially with the ones I felt I'd been neglectful in maintaining contact during my dark days.

I hope Ron's silliness and creativity are contagious today! One day where everyone is happy, silly and creative...

Michael


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#250264 - 09/19/08 09:33 AM Re: Reconnecting with my past... in a good way [Re: M3]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Craig,
I echo the words from above. It was very good, emotional wise, to come to terms with "things/people/family/friends" from the past. This past year for me was a definite roller coaster ride, mostly a free fall down hill. But as I now move forward and look to the future I am so at peace with how I feel and how I dealt with my past.

I have a better outlook on my future. I feel I have grasped on the reason why I worked so hard to get where I am today. My determination never waivered. I am thankful for that.

It does feel good to progress and to mature.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#250303 - 09/19/08 07:58 PM Re: Reconnecting with my past... in a good way [Re: cbfull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Toot toot indeed! I'm very happy to hear that, Craig- we all can use reminders that simply because a chance to resolve things from our past seems daunting or doomed to failure, we shouldn't pass on every opportunity... thanks for posting!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#250553 - 09/22/08 09:19 AM Re: Reconnecting with my past... in a good way [Re: dgoods]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
This has certainly made a change in me that I like.

I feel much more confident. I can talk with my coworker (yes, the one I have a strong attraction to, still) without feeling like a giddy school girl. I can be honest with him and talk about my feelings towards him comfortably. It seems I was constantly afraid that I was being abandoned, and he was aware of that. He would reassure me that I don't see or hear from him for a few days it has nothing to do with me. He's really great about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure we're both curious about each other on a similar level. The best I can describe it is to call it a strong and genuine feeling of innocent affection that neither of us would be afraid to share, if circumstances were conducive to it.

I think raising my antidepressant dosage has helped me to achieve a lot of clarity in the matter. Reconnecting with the ex-boyfriend was biggie. I just realized that he's either a good person who will make a good friend, or he's something else. I was ready to accept the disappointment if he was still a prick (I hate that word, but he kinda was), but I was of course hoping for the best. I'm so glad I did it.

I forgot to add that I disclosed my abuse to both of these people. The ex-boyfriend expressed some anger about it (at the perp), the guy from high school showed appropriate sympathy, so all in all I would say I fared very well. It's about time, I certainly deserve it.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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