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#250545 - 09/22/08 08:02 AM Trust
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Do you guys think trust is a major factor in your anxiety, your life.

I am learning that I have absolutely no trust in man, God, country, etc.

I hate to say I don't have faith or trust in God but I must be honest with myself and I don't think he will keep me going. I know better but I have been shown time and time again that when things are going good, watch out, trouble is on its way.

I know this is not the right attitude but I am again being honest with myself and to be perfectly honest its the truth.


I am working on trust, anyone else see this as a problem?


Thanks guys,

By the way anyone had a chance to read my book, I would love feedback on it. I don't depend on it for my income so please trust this, I am not trying to make a sale here. Just hoping that I have helped another soul in this world by sharing my story.



John Oarc

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#250547 - 09/22/08 08:42 AM Re: Trust [Re: John Oarc]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
John,

Yep, trust is a huge factor in the anxiety and fear in my life.

When my defenses are down or I'm tired, the lack of trust can creep back in. Then I don't trust other people, I don't trust my own emotions or gut reactions, I don't trust that I'll have a job tomorrow... I trust nothing and that is a huge cause of fear and anxiety in my life. I think it is why survivors don't feel safe - they don't trust that what they are seeing is the truth and something bad is going to happen. People can't be as nice as they seem, this can't be as safe as it seems, etc.

Building trust is in small steps. First I learned to trust myself - that was the hardest. Obviously I hadn't been able to make choices in the past to protect myself so why should I start trusting that I'm capable of doing it now? Once I got through that, I would choice one thing at a time and then one section of my life at a time and just build, brick by brick.

Yes, it seeps back from time-to-time, but when I recognize it, I have gotten pretty good at pulling myself back in.

Just found your book out on Amazon. Congratulations! I'll have to add this to my reading list for winter break...

Would you mind if sometime I PM'd you about getting your book published?

Peace and love John...

Michael


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#250551 - 09/22/08 09:06 AM Re: Trust [Re: John Oarc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
john not sure what book you are referring to...perhaps you can enlighten me?

regarding trust, it think that is a characteristic that people have to varying degrees as part of their repertoire of personal properties. like talent for sports or music or art. i know i have more talent for music and things creative, but didn't get the sports gene.

on the other hand, trust is also an attitude that can be cultivated. that's very similar, yet different, because the propensity for developing an attitude of trust is relative to the positive or negative experiences an individual has had in the past.

there is a lot of risk involved in trusting. what will happen if the person i am expecting to prove their self trustworthy does not behave according to my expectations?

is my system for monitoring the person's trustability broken or in some manner flawed? what evidence have i that they have the capacity for participating in a trust relationship?

as a victim/survivors who has had my trust capacity breached and interrupted in formative years when these types of systems would have otherwise developed naturally in stages, i find there is a tendency to approach the trust issue very hyper-cautiously.

how can i trust strangers and god who i can't see, when the people [family] who were my classmates in the school of life, proved themselves emotionally and psychologically unavailable, and therefore rendered incapable of trust?

further, because i did not learn the early important lessons on how to develop trust instincts, many of my decisions made throughout my lifetime, were made according to an imagined>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#250648 - 09/22/08 09:46 PM Re: Trust [Re: Sans Logos]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Michael,

"I don't trust that I'll have a job tomorrow..."

"they don't trust that what they are seeing is the truth and something bad is going to happen."

I feel what you are saying in the above quotes.

Thanks for the reply.

Ron, the book is titled What Ever It takes God, The most difficult things for men to survive.

I wrote it a couple of years ago when I came into the recovery process. I wanted others to know they were not suffering alone. I thought I was the only guy in the world dealing with the affects of CSA, as you know I was wrong but I thought it would be great to share my story. I exposed everything and it felt great, scarry but great too.

Ron, in response to your reply I can only say thanks for your reflections, your way with the english language is amazing. I wish I had a 1/4 of your talent.

Thanks again,

John Oarc

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#250650 - 09/22/08 10:19 PM Re: Trust [Re: John Oarc]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
John
Trust in man and you will always be let down...I sure that God will understand if you want to try him, take him at his word...I know one thing for sure God Loves you so much he sent his son just for you..Remember he knew you before you were born..
Blessings on you
Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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#250660 - 09/22/08 11:22 PM Re: Trust [Re: wojax]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6723
Loc: USA
Wojax is right. God is a God of love.

Our trauma is not from God but from the evil one.

"The thief cometh not but for to steal and to kill and destroy. But I (Jesu) am come that they might have life and have it more abundantly."

Allen

puffer


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#251230 - 09/26/08 12:09 PM Re: Trust [Re: John Oarc]
trucker536 Offline


Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 1
I'm new but I dont see it as a problem. We have been conditioned that way by whomever abused us things would be going good and then bam right out of the blue there it was forceing us to deal with it. I have problems with trust as well. Unable sometimes unwilling to open because it makes us vulnerable and we dont like it. Well atleast I dont. It seems like you do trust us alittle and that is a good place to start. Remember that it takes faith and when we have been hurt like that having faith in our friends and our loved ones is very hard because we are waiting for the let down.



Edited by trucker536 (09/26/08 12:17 PM)

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#251266 - 09/26/08 04:45 PM Re: Trust [Re: trucker536]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Another trucker? Welcome to the site. I think that you will find that most of the guys here are a caring and supportive bunch of guys who are familiar with various aspects of recovery from CSA and other abuse.

Glad that you found us.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#251311 - 09/26/08 08:27 PM Re: Trust [Re: Trucker51]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Wow! thanks guys. Trust is a huge issue for me and I could relate to all the feelings expressed. This is the first time on the website. Ken singer just told me about it a couple of hours ago and i am really glad to be here. I am usually pretty tough on the outside due to my lack of trust but I can honestly say I am sitting here crying. Some is from the trauma and abuse i endured but some is relief in having a place to share and not be alone. Thanks again. pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#251312 - 09/26/08 08:30 PM Re: Trust [Re: lungfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6723
Loc: USA
another fish?

welcome to the ms site. It's good to have another piscivorous companion.

Yes, trust is a big issue to me as a survivor. I puff myself up to look more impressive than I really am. The issue is trust.

Allen

pufferfish



Edited by pufferfish (09/26/08 08:32 PM)

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#251313 - 09/26/08 08:34 PM Re: Trust [Re: lungfish]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
pete! welcome! male survivor definitely offers a multi-hanky experience!

glad you found your way to those of us who share your plight.

hang on, and keep the faith. we know what challenges lie ahead for you.

jump in and get ready for the ride of your life!

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#251314 - 09/26/08 08:35 PM Re: Trust [Re: lungfish]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Quote:
I am sitting here crying. Some is from the trauma and abuse i endured but some is relief in having a place to share and not be alone.

That's right Pete, you are not alone. This is a safe place for you to make connections with others who have had similar experiences.

I'm glad Ken told you about this site. The group of men here are compassionate, talented, wise and I feel honored to know them. Read posts and get to know your way round the site. There is so much here it can be overwhelming at first.

Welcome to MaleSurvivor Pete. Peace and love...

Michael


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#251330 - 09/26/08 09:21 PM Re: Trust [Re: M3]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hey Pete! Welcome. Thanks for blessing us with your presence. Come on in and get to know us.

Safe Hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#251595 - 09/28/08 09:34 AM Re: Trust [Re: pufferfish]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
welcome all you new men I came here in 1999 took me a while to register. Three retreats and two confereces later here I am to say I have healed through my time here.

Hope your lives are all doing well. Hugs Pete hope you are healing well too. Hugs Allen and Mark as well.

Michael Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#251596 - 09/28/08 09:52 AM Re: Trust [Re: michael Joseph]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Michael. Glad you're here!

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

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#251698 - 09/28/08 09:43 PM Re: Trust [Re: pufferfish]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
Trust.....

There's something I've learend is a ridiculous concept for me.

Oh I'm sure it works out for others, but it's been shown to me time and time and time again to not work for me. Pain always seems to follow trust.

Lack of trust almost kept me from posting. Maybe I should have followed that.

God is the only one I trust, but I'm not sure how much I do trust. I want to trust completely. Sometimes I think I do. I just don't know.

As for people.... well that's that whole other story.

My T said when she talked to Howard, for the WoR, she even commented to him that by the end of the weekend I might start opening up.... so really, why am I even bothering? Spending cash I don't have..... to be bottled up the whole time.

Guess It's because I'm hoping..... maybe that something might help.


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#251699 - 09/28/08 09:46 PM Re: Trust [Re: JustScott]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Trust. i'm basically down to one person i trust now - that being my T. All it does is expose you to danger from others.

Does make me wonder why i bother sometimes.

m


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