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#250446 - 09/21/08 09:20 AM Not sure if this is the right place for me
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
I know i have been sexually and physically and mentally abused
by my parents. As i read others posts the more i feel like i shouldn't belong here. I guess i am so use to having to deal with the problems and solving them all my life i have had to deal with them on my own without outside help. I also had tried help through professional help. My god i can remember one of there helps by having me sit in front of a slide show of males and having to tell myself its wrong as i masterbate to the image and then a female image n saying to myself that its the ok to masterbate to a female image.
Ah besides the point. I been on my own since i was put in the boys school at 11 yrs old i had to deal with the beating ups and forced into sexual acts by older boys. I had no one to goto for help or to talk to. I mean really if your parents str8t out lied to you how when your 7 yrs old by telling you if you like you will get a beating but tell the truth nothing will happen. Well that was a big fat lie cause i got beatened even if i told the truth. I got severly punished either tied up to the beam that holds the first floor up in the cellar and beaten with a 2x4 every freaking night of my life that i can remember Oh they did it cause i wouldn't stand still i would also get fed a jar of hot peppers everynight. My other punishments would be sent to room and if i went to the bathroom i would get beaten for it. I had to relieve myself out the window. I had problems studying doing my homework and one night she made me start using a hacksaw blade to cut my penis cause i was not able to do a math problem. Or i be put out in the field to pull weeds all day long not allowed no water or food str8t to bed and up the next morning to do the same thing. I just dont understand these triggers that you goto watch a movie cause of the violence you go off the deep end. I even watched my adopted parents put my sister on a red hot burner plate on the stove Sat her right on it and i remember what it looked like. Now that is a trigger that would bring tears to my eyes. Oh we weren't allowed to cry or to talk only when spoken to and if we did my god i got beated for it. I can remember some of the things that happen to me when i was 4 like my real mom and step fathr allowing me to be raped by his nephew who i found out later might of been around 17. They just laughed as i called out for there help. Just cause so my step pushes me out in front of a speeding car and the doc gave me of not suriviving the hit i was suppose to die. I am here today to tell of it. Or another time when i had lead poisening if it weren't for my grandparents coming over in less then 20 minutes i would of been dead. I still remember these things like when my mom would put me on top of her and use me sexually or he would do the same thing or they wanted to amuse themselves and put me on my sister and made me screw her she is a year younger then i am. We would get beaten with what ever they got a hold of. We lived in substandard housing where it wasn't even fit for animals to live in. My foster family was the only best thing that happen to me except that he would bathe me and always played with me sexually like sucking me off and jerking me off till one night he sucked me a bit too long and i peed in his mouth of course i was like 6 yrs old. I enjoyed it so much the attention i couldn't get enough of it but he stopped i guess i was a terrible person peeing in his mouth but i couldn't help it. Oh man i wished he never stopped giving me that attention. There on after i would masterbate when ever i got the chance to do so. That would be in a store bathroom or school bathroom. It was a must i had to do. The foster family i remember treated me alright i never got beaten for anything.
Shoot when i was with adopted parents i remember the night i had trouble doing a math problem I was pulled out of the chair and had my head slammed into a corner of the wall where they put them metal strips It had a big indentation I had to go to the doctors to have some stitches put in my head I was told to lie to the doctor or i would get caught masterbating and for no reason they would beat me. From the time i would get up i had chores to do from washing dishes to vacuming the house and dusting. It was a ongoing situation not much for time to play.
They put me in a boys school a place where i wasn't suppose to be and the worse place i could of been put in. They were like 16 yrs and older i was 11 going on 12. I was forced to do sexual acts although i didn't have to be forced cause it was a natural part of me i would of done what they wanted. I dont think i ever really enjoy what they would do but the times i did it when i was not being forced i enjoyed it to a point.
When i got out of the boys school i was 15 going on 16 when i turned 16 i got emancupated to be on my own. Things didn't go to well i would end up living in cars in the dead cold winters I had trouble keeping a job and as i got older my partners didn't get older with me I was involved with boys underage and i was over 18 No i never forced anyone into things They just would happen sexually and i was in trouble for dealing with minors. I tried asking for help cause i felt something wasn't right in my life. I just couldn't deal with anyone that was my age or older then me. I couldn't trust no one. When i did seek help it was the same thing over and over it was omg like i was such a freaking monster cause a 19 year old boy would have or engage into sexual situation with a 13 year old boy well that is just a example of what i am trying to say. I was imprisoned for corrupting the morals of a minor was the charges
I think my biggest problem was trying to seperate love and sex. I thought they were of one together if you like someone you had sex with them. I was totally on my own i had to figure these things out for myself. It has taken me a long time and i still am confused to whats happening like for one I experienced what it is like to fall in love and to love someone and i am 46 yrs old when this all happen. Why now why did this happen i almost made it without any sexual interest in other males. Yes i fell in love with a 19 year old male I had to ask what was happening to me the feelings and the emotions i was going through i didn't know till i was told that i was falling in love. Althought he didn't want nothing to do but only to get off and i wanted and needed more of that what i had with him.
I dont think its fair that any of us has to go through things like this. Yes lately i am feeling angry cause i finally find out what its like to be really in love and i look back on all these years that it could of happen and i had more time to enjoy them feelings and thoughts with the right person. My god why now how come now Why did these feelings come out now and to make things worse they woken up things that i had totally forgotten about. I am so angry i dont know if i want to go shoot myself that is if i wasn't so cowardly to doing so. But i had to deal with everything on my own so i just dont know whether if i should stay or if i should leave here cause i had to do things for myself and i listen to someone that watches a movie and it sends them off a trigger. My god i would be sitting and watching a show or something or i am out going down the road and something just something happens not sure what it is but then all of a sudden i would start having crying spells It could be the music i am listening to or something i hear or see. I am always depressed and now even more cause of what i have experience. I dont understand why these things happen to us
I didn't have no one to help and i still find myself dealing with my own situations be it i have had 2 strokes and now am a candidate for worse but i wish so much that it would happen and take me. Cause to me its not worth to know that being in love can be so painful and it dont stop hurting
Why do parents do the things they do and why do they leave you and come back when your 14 yrs old and your dad makes all kinds of promises that he would take you home with him but he had no intentions and yes i had tried to commit suicide. The staff whom i knew told me about this. I was very devistated at that time it undone all that i had accomplished at becoming a normal person.
Today i am finally able to hold onto a job even its one i dont care much for It is a accomplishment i have made. Its been a slow up hill battle but i am at the top now or almost there. I am not sure if i will make it to the top. I also can say i have accomplished another as well just say that i have had normal sex with a person almost my age and i kissed him with such feelings i never knew you could have from kissing someone. I never knew that having sex with another could be soo intense. Well i think i have said more then i should of but yes i am angry at my parents and at people who i had reached out too and left me down. Josef


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#250453 - 09/21/08 10:31 AM Re: Not sure if this is the right place for me [Re: josef^61]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Josef,

I'm really sorry about what happened to you as a child. It was unfair and you didn't deserve any of it.

Yes, MaleSurvivor is the right place. There are friends here who have been through CSA and not only survived, but thrive now. We are all at different stages in recovery but we are all here to listen and talk. Talking helps. Keep talking...

Peace and love Josef...

Michael


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#250455 - 09/21/08 10:55 AM Re: Not sure if this is the right place for me [Re: M3]
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
I have been a solver of my own problems and what is it that i can contribute or ask for that i have not resolved? I tend to find it affensive that when i see a little problem and they cant deal with it on there own I should have more compassion towards them but its hard for me cause to see or have the compassion towards them although i try. I just dont understand. So not sure if i can do any good because it sometimes make me angry when i see others that rely on drugs to help them out to deal with a situation that is of a lessor degree of a problem. To me i think everyone if as long you have someone to talk to which then of course i hadn't had anyone to talk with or be able to trust. I had to figure out my problems and what the triggers of that problem be it would be hurting me deep inside or not. Its like poking in a fire and although its burning i still have to look in the fire to find the problem. Its to say i have to look in my past what and where did i started this trigger at at what point did it start to happen and why and how come. Its like why or how come i view sex and love as in one and when i realize this what do i do about it but it seems like when you know this then the healing does start. The healing isn't always complete no matter cause there is always a bit more that is involved depending on the damage. i am not sure if i made sense to this but i think so I am a doer i have had no choice in life.


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#250458 - 09/21/08 11:14 AM Re: Not sure if this is the right place for me [Re: josef^61]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I think you articulated that pretty well.

I used to get very frustrated at folks who couldn't solve their own problems. This was particularly strong early on in dealing with my CSA - before I sought therapy. I felt that my problems were so much more horrendous than their simple problem of a conflicting schedule with their girlfriend or a petty fight with their parents. I'd see people fall to pieces over these things and I'd just want to scream at them to "Grow the F*CK up and deal with it - others have it much worse off than you." But I came to realize that most people develop their coping strategies based on watching their families. If they have parent with poor coping strategies, these people probably need to be taught better strategies than they are equipped with.

You and I may have had an advantage that we either didn't have a model to rely upon, or we realized that the person/people that we should be modeling were really screwed up and sought to figure it out for ourselves. In the few brief periods of time we had a TV while I was growing up, I used to watch to see how families were REALLY supposed to be like and I would try to model my behavior after those characters (Richie Cunningham from Happy Days for example). It still left me screwed up, but it was the best option a little boy thought he had.

Most of the people who have turned to drugs and alcohol who are survivors did so in their teens, long before they were really capable of making that decision with full understanding and consent. Addiction or dependency sets in early and making that decision as an adult while dependent and dealing with CSA issues becomes a paramount issue to tackle.

Everyone has their own special talents and skills - your's seems to be your mental and emotional fortitude. Your story, your experiences and your problem solving strategies may be invaluable to others on this site. And others on this site may have something to offer you back - a touching poem, a photo that they've drawn that you connect with, anything - because that is what their special talent is.

I've found some amazing people on this site, and honestly, after reading your story, you are one of those amazing people. We are lucky to be alive. We have a world that needs educated. We have brothers that need our assistance and brother whom can help use learn to not just survive, but thrive.

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away.... but this is something I'm very passionate about.

Josef, I'm glad you found this site. Thank you for sharing and I hope you will hang around and share your strength with others, and in return, become stronger.

Peace and love...

Michael


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