Everyone,

As many of you already know, I have been working with Ken Singer as editor for his forthcoming book for male survivors about dealing with the continuing control and influence that abusers can often have over our thoughts and behaviors. It’s been great working with him on this book and i think it will be an important read for all of us. Below you can see Ken’s introduction and the Table of Contents, so you can get an idea of what the book will cover. Ken asked me to post this since he was off to the airport and did not have enough time to put this up himself.

On thing you can perhaps help us with is this. Right now we don’t have a very good title: “Recognizing the Enemy: a Guide for Understanding Sexual Abusers (and the Hold They May Have on You)”. The aim of the book isn’t understanding abusers just for its own sake, but with the aim of breaking that hold. If you have any ideas for a better title after reading the contents we would be grateful if you could let us have them.

Much love,
Larry

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Introduction

This book is different from the many books published for adult survivors of sexual abuse. The symptoms and consequences of abuse have been written about many times, providing the good advice that “it wasn’t your (the survivor’s) fault”. However, many survivors, especially men, may believe that it was their fault for “allowing” the abuse to take place, not fighting back or not reporting the abuse. This feeling persists because, despite efforts by the survivor and others to reduce the sense of blame in the victim, the role of the abuser has not been examined for what it was. The goal of this book is to help male survivors and those supporting them to understand how abusers are able to do what they do. It will also help the survivor understand how the perpetrator manipulated and conned the victim into a belief system that can perpetuate that feeling of victimization in the survivor’s mind for many years after the abuse took place.

Perpetrators have been characterized in terms of their selfishness, cruelty, betrayal, lack of empathy, and other factors that from an emotional standpoint often reinforce their power over their victims. A clear example of this can be seen in the story one survivor told me about how, at the age of 56, he was finally able to disclose to his parents what had happened to him as a child. A few days later, sitting with close family members in an entirely safe setting, he was suddenly overwhelmed by fear and panicked. When his father asked him what was wrong he replied, “I’m afraid it will start all over again. I can’t make him stop.” The fact that this survivor knew the abuser had been dead for more than a decade had not weakened his lingering power over him.

As long as the perpetrator remains a feared and powerful specter to the victim, he (or she) can still emotionally control the survivor long after the abuse has stopped. So one of my goals in writing this book is to provide you with a better understanding of how sexual perpetrators manipulate their child (and adult) victims and create tapes of helplessness in the survivor’s mind that can endure for many years.

Ken Singer

CONTENTS


Chapter 1 – Introduction
      Breaking the Power of the Abuser
      Dynamics of Abuse

Chapter 2 – Abuse and Your Brain
      Brain Biology
      The Brain’s Response to Trauma
      Memories and the Survivor of Sexual Abuse
      Special Ways the Brain Reacts to Sexual Abuse
      Strategies in Therapy
      EMDR

Chapter 3 – Questions Often Asked by Survivors and Their Families
      Why Me?
      Was I Abused?
      What If I Liked It?
      Is Abuse Always Abusive?
      Was It Abuse If the Abuser Was a Woman?
      If I Sexually Responded to a Man Does That Mean I’m Gay?
      Am I Gay If I Think about Penises a Lot?
      Will Being Abused Turn Me into an Abuser?
      Why Can’t I Become Intimate of Sexual with Another Person?
      Is the Abuse My Fault If I “Took a Bullet” for My Siblings
      What If the Abuser is a Family Member?
            How Could S/he Do This to Me?
            Why Wasn’t I Protected?
            Why Wasn’t I Believed?
            If the Abuser Was a Relative, Should I Forgive and Move On?
            When I Hear Stories That Sound So Much Worse Than Mine, Can That Mean That My Case Wasn’t Abuse or Wasn’t So Bad?

Chapter 4 – How Do Abusers Do It?
      Who “Caused” the Abuse?
      Factors of Vulnerability
      Larger than Life

Chapter 5 – Different Kinds of Abusers
      The Adult Family Member
      The Sex Educator
      The Adult in Authority
      Emotional Needs
      Pedophiles and Hebophiles (or Ephebophiles)
      “Boy-Lovers”
            Type I – the Nurturer
            Type II – the Sexual Mentor
            Type III – the Predator
      The Female Abuser
      Types of Female Abusers
      Emotional Incest
      Grooming
      Adolescent Abusers
      Socially Inadequate Abusers
      Aggressive or Delinquent Abusers
      Empathy
      Experimentation?
      What Is Sex Offense-Specific Treatment
      Penile Plethysmograph

Chapter 6 – How They Make It Okay to Do What They Do?
      Needs
      Power and Control
      From Victim to Victimizer
      Distorted Thinking
      Blaming the Victim
      Minimizing
      Objectification
      Denial
      Barriers to Sexual Abuse
      It Doesn’t “Just Happen”

Chapter 7 – What Kept You from Telling?
      Consent, Coercion, Cooperation, and Compliance
      The Issues Around Disclosure
      Repressing Memories
      Conditioning
      Psychological Intimidation

Chapter 8 – Why “Demonizing” Keeps Them Powerful
      Fear Can Make the Abuser More Powerful
      They Fear You

Chapter 9 – Where is That Anger Coming From?
      Other Emotions Lead to Anger
      Anger at the Perpetrator v. Anger at the World
      Who Is in Charge?

Chapter 10 – For the Parent of Abused Children or Adults
      When You First Find Out
      Should You Force a Child into Treatment?
      When the Abuser is a Sibling
      Protecting the Story
      Minimization
      When Your Adult Child Discloses

Chapter 11 – For Family and Friends of the Adult Survivor
      Relating and Communicating
      Pornography and Masturbation
      Performance Anxiety
      When Things Get Rough

Chapter 12 – Sexual Issues and Problems Caused by Abuse
      The Pre-School Child
      Abuse and the Pre-School Child
      The Normal Young School-Age Child
      Abuse and the Young School-Age Child
      The Normal Pre-Adolescent Child
      Sexual Abuse and the Pre-Adolescent
      Effects on the Pre-Pubescent Child
      Puberty
      Adolescence and Abuse
      Effects on Arousal
      Reactions to Abuse for the Teenage Boy
      The Longer-Term Problem

Chapter 13 – Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviors
      The Cycle
      The First Step
      Interventions
      Deciding to Change

Chapter 14 – Disclosure and Confrontation
      Disclosure
      Goals for Disclosure
      Confrontation with the Perpetrator
      Writing a Letter
      Get It in Writing
      Writing but not Sending
      If the Perpetrator is Dead or Whereabouts Unknown

Chapter 15 – A Successful Disclosure
      A Broken Relationship
      Planning the Disclosure
      The Disclosure and After
      Food for Thought

Chapter 16 – A Successful Confrontation and Reconciliation
      Jake’s Predicament
      Jake and Steve’s Correspondence
      Face-to-Face Confrontation

Chapter 17 – Forgiveness versus “Moving On” or “Letting Go”
      “Guilting” into Forgiveness
      Empowerment through Eviction
      Faith-Based Forgiveness

Chapter 18 – Sexual Acting Out
      Abuse Re-Enactment
      Abuse Reactive Behavior
      Abusing in Adolescence
      Possible Rules of Thumb
      Thoughts and Fantasies of Abusing Others

Chapter 19 – The Rings of Hell
      Self-Destructive/Defeating Behaviors
      Behaviors That Affect Others
      Sexually Abusive Behaviors
      How Severely Should Child Abuse Be Punished?

Chapter 20 – Fear of Dentists and Doctors

Chapter 21 – So, Now What?
      Choices
      It’s About Control

Appendix – A Consumer’s Guide to Selecting a Therapist

WOW! Now I don't have to write my book!

Can't wait to read this, congrats to you and Ken!

Michael

How about a title as simple as "Breaking the Hold of Abuse"? Books with big long titles often put me off because they are confusing and try to encompass the entire content of the book. I would be much more attracted to a book that has a simple, straightforward title of what the book is.

"Raising ourselves"

Mike

Maybe instead of trying to find one GREAT book title, you could explore the Main and subtitle option.

island

It sounds like a really interesting book. I shall add it to my want list, near the top.

It doesn't just repeat the content of existing books on the market. It answers questions other books don't, such as teen age abusers.

It will probably receive wide distribution.

The title is important. The top title must accomplish 4 goals: It must grab attention, it must convey the essence of the book, and it must be short, it must make the reader want more. A long title will make it sound like a dissertation. Effective titles of books I have read lately: Seminary Boy, and The Tender Bar. These titles fufill the basic objectives. I'll think more and and see if I can come up with a title.

Allen

puffer

Hey Ken,

What was your heart's intent when beginning this book? Your title should come from there & I agree, keep it simple. Your subtitle, should you go that route, speaks to your subject or if you will, the book's content.

We can't have too many books on this subject, in my view, for certain books speak to different people at the various stages we all encounter in our recovery/reconstruction process.

Just as certain books that I have read were godsends to me at the time that I found them so too will your book be a blessing to a great many. More power to you, Ken.

Your fellow journeyman,
Joel

I have no suggestion for a title, I'm not very good at that, but there was a book I read better than 20 years ago about serial killer Ted Bundy. I don't remember the title but I do remember the back cover. There was a picture of this very casually dressed, good looking young man with the caption "What does a serial killer look like?" The picture and the question are burned in my mind's eye and still strike me very powerfully to this day.

The identical premise could be applied to the child abuser because you never know who or where they are until you're faced with the monster.

The title that you are using doesn't clearly reflect your stated aim. In fact, the part that addresses it obliquely is parenthetical and therefore read as secondary, a footnote. I agree with the suggestions others have made - that you keep the title short and on point - maybe something like Breaking the Hold with a subtitle of "Understanding abuse and the hold it has on us."

My first impression of the working title was that the book was about abusers, not about recovery. Didn't appeal to me at all, which brings up another question. Who is the target audience for this book? Survivors, victims, family members, therapists, law enforcement, legal system, ...? The working title makes it sound like it for people working with abusers, rather than male survivors.

I wish you all the best with this - thank you both for all your work!

Mike

This DOES look interesting and "fresh". Yeah!!!!! (and the following is not a criticism!)

Just reading the TOC, I'm interested in some of the "What now?" kind of entries, about ways to work on deep seated body and emotional issues. There's a lot of intellectual content, which is OK, but men think about their feelings too much already, and need help with more experiential processes. Knowledge doesn't help with this. Men get caught in the trap of "trying to understand" or "figure it out" and I think it's often more about having different physical and emotional experiences than those patterned or effected by abuse.

If I remember, in "The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Ellen Bass, there are a lot of examples of experiential exercises. But the focus on women isn't helpful.

So I'm interested in:

Chapter 21 -- So, Now What?
Choices
It's About Control

This is huge! Perhaps you feel there is only therapy to recommend (perhaps that is right), but I'm hoping to see a whole experiential emphasis to complement the "understanding it".

Ok, so how can I get my hands on this ? ? ? ?