I tihnk i am bisexual..but i wonder if it has smoething to do with my childhood abuse...am still very consfused about this

This too is another common early recovery issue. We are often confused especially in our late teens and into our 20s, when we have suffered a bunch of abuse at the hands of male abusers if we happened to orgasm as a result. Remember, you were a kid that was used for someone else's pleasure and it wasn't your fault. The male organ responds to stimulus, even abusive stimulus, which is somewhat cunfusing to many victims. You will work through this issue in therapy too.

Maybe someone else would be able to offer more perspective on this issue.

Have hope, with a lot of effort and our support, recovery is possible.

Mark

sunwolf,

Mark is correct, sexual identity confusion is very common among survivors. There is a forum on this site dedicated to this: Sexual Identity Issues. You can find posts of others going through the same thing and get help from moderators in the forum. (It may be better to post this message there too.)

We hear you when you say it is confusing. It IS VERY confusing. We'll be here to listen and support you as brothers on this journey of recovery.

Peace and love...

Michael

I have always thougt I was Bi . I just redently came to terms with the fact I want men not women in bed. I had sex with my older brother from the time I was 7. I know this was wrong of him and not my fault but it has shaped my life. I am married and love my wife but I also love men. How is it possible to change what was done to me 49 yrs ago. I don't want to feel this way.

you dont have to change...its ok to be bi and have all those sexual desires...no matter the root of it..if you feel ok than its ok

Davesc:

I know where you're coming from. I'm still very confused. Wish I had advice; the best I can say is, you're not alone in this...this is actually a place where (FINALLY!!!) someone understands.

Peace,

FT

Davesc & FT:

I too understand what you are say and feeling.

This is my problem too. I dont understand how I can be attracted to woman and men. It's confusing to me. But on top of that I let it slip out that I was abuse. This co worker is always pushing my buttons, if you no what i mean, which make me more confuse. I had a little crush on him. I wonder if this will never end. i live in deniel for years. but now it in my face every day. i can just go numb when it come to sex. but I am not along is comforting to me.

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why are you feeling tored appart? if you like them is ok...love is love no matter what...take it easy and enjoy the feeling...

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HE needs to understand not YOU!!!! no ne has the right to tell you to change...YOU are owner of your body and mind...dont let anyone play wiht your guilt or emotions...what he is doing is terrible ..you are a vicitim of abuse...what he is doing is dangerous to your menatl health...if he does not understand then keep distance form him...he is no9t a good friend...

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That's something that I choose to label a "boundary issue". When someone attempts to "fix" me, or suggests that I in any way need "fixing" because I am bi, they have overstepped a boundary and are trespassing on my right to be who I am.

I don't care if their motivation is religious or what it is, I just won't stand for it.

But confusion is something that seems to come with the territory of being bi. I am bi but not bi. I am bi because I am attracted to both sexes, but I am not bi because I refuse to buy into the idea that I am something because of who I choose to sleep with.

If I AM a bisexual, am I not able to settle on one person because I must be true to this identity that has been assigned to me? Because, say I do decide to settle into a monogamous relationship with someone...would that mean I have then chosen to be gay or straight depending on the gender of the person I am with?

I will not limit my choices based on some sexual identity.
But then again, even as I reject sexual identity labels, I still have to use them. If I am around someone who is gay bashing, I'm going to tell the person I am bi and that I am proud of it.

Then too, I am often forced to choose between the three identities (I consider "transgender" a gender identity not a sexual orientation). In those cases I reluctantly choose the bi identity, but if someone asks me if I am gay,straight or bi, I like to tell them that I don't believe in sexual identities.

Let me correct myself: I really don't think I am confused anymore. I think of it as being the rest of the world that is confused with the whole sexual identity thing.

One more thing I want to add. 4 as long as you question WHY you are bi, or gay, confusion will persist. 4get why. Who cares? If you accept yourself then it doesn't matter. And if you can let go of even the need for a sexual identity and just think of yourself as a person with unlimited options, then the confusion goes away even more.

I really believe all the confusion arises out of this cultural obsession with categorization.

I think it's laughable your suppossed to go to a therapist to lose your homosexuality. Like you accidentally rubbed up against a post and got homosexual on you.

If in a non stressfull enviroment (IF) you want to educate yourself and process (what you are) that's your decision, YOUR DECISION...!!!

HIS religious convictions, are exactly that, HIS.

Your life,your boundaries, your compass...etc

THEIR SHAME...!!!

A big thumbs up on.. how screwed up the society belief system is...!!!


Leader of the Band (Dan Folgelburg)



island

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Dusty,

What ever you do, I would suggest to take your time. Your feelings are very normal to many survivors, including myself. I thought for many, many years that I was suppose to be straight. I had such confusing feelings and emotions. But I convinced myself that they were just that, confusing.

Just recently after asking the "why" questions, regarding my sexuality, have I come to telling myself that I NEED TO BE TRUE TO MYSELF. I am gay, not straight, not bi. I must tell you the feeling inside me was awesome, overwhelming. I no longer am living a lie to myself. You are who you are, who you feel you are.

I hope through your work on you recovery that you will come to terms with your sexuality.

Ken

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I do hear you Dusty. I had many many thoughts that I am gay because of my sexual abuse that continued for some 5 years. However in being honest with myself, I am gay because that is just who I am. I was married and had many female relationships through out my years. But I always felt and had thoughts and fantasy's about being with men. So that is where I am today and very happy.

Ken

take care of yourself dusty
I am glad you have done what you have so far
this is a great place for support from others that care and know about abuse from experience.

There are no wrong or right ways to proceed but just the courage to do so.

Hugs Michael

I am in the same boat as all of you. Was sexually abused by my older brother.I guess I am Bi but when I have had sex with men there is no love or feeling its sexual only. When its with women I do have feelngs of love and its not just sexual. So at this point I have had 0 sex and I am totally confused. I have been in therapy for 17 months and on my next visit I will begin talking about this.I am in no rush at this point because I really want to be as sure as I can before I become sexual who knows I may not.I feel like I am clearing a path for myself through a jungle. THANKS GUYS - Mike

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I guess there can be sex without love or attachment...love is more than liking someone..i do like males and am attracted to them, but there is something missing, the love the infatuation, etc...sometimes i tihnk that with a female am more caring and loving...but latetly i been feeling the same for males...but with a male i need caring, loving etc...it is like with a male i feel more female...confused? me too!!!

Sorry sunwolf, but I think so many of us come out of CSA so confused. I always worry about my friends that go into relationships because the sex was good, or sleep around to be fulfilled physically and then long for the emotional.

I don't know what to tell you, I wish I did. Sometimes the more I think I figure this out for myself, the more confusing it becomes. The only thing I know, is that sex is better if you have the emotional attachment to the person so you can feel safe and free to be yourself. Don't worry about who it is, just know that when you find it, you hold on to it and cherish it.

Peace and love...

Michael

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For anyone dealing with identity or orientation confusion...
the first place to start is dealing with the abuse & the trauma that you experienced with a good T

This is from a post in a different thread

The following is from a book called: Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician by Joe Kort, MSW.



Hope this helps

Guys,

Following up on Craig's comment I'd like to emphasize the way he stressed the need for a "good T". Read: "open-minded and experienced". There are lots of Ts out there who deal with childhood trauma issues but don't have the experience or perspective necessary to deal with a guy who is having serious problems with his sexual identity.

I have said this before, but here it comes again - maybe it's worth hearing again. I don't believe for a second that there is a dichotomy between "straight" and "gay". Our sexuality is such a personal thing, and in a room of ten guys you would probably find ten different sexual perspectives, with reference to so many social, ethical and sexual issues.

Asking if these ten guys are straight or gay makes no more sense to me than asking are they rich or poor. It's just not the right question; it reflects the fears, anxieties and prejudice of a basically homophobic social tradition: it's a question that reflects false "them" v. "us" thinking, and it forces us into shoehorning our own thinking into options and choices that, however reassuring for others, might be no good for us.

My own struggle with this issue came to this conclusion some time ago, and it's one I have been content with ever since. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Am I being honest with myself about my sexual feelings?
2. Am I being open and honest with my sexual partner(s)?
3. Do I feel sexually fulfilled?

If you can answer "yes" to all three questions then, hey, you're just fine and who cares what others say or think. If you can't say "yes", on the other hand, then perhaps that shows you where further work might be useful.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

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Dusty

It is going to take as long as it takes for what it is worth.
Are you seeing or looking for a therapist?
See Larry's post & check out Joe Kort's site for yourself.

You expressed interest in what is called "Reparative therapy" earlier
It has strong affiliations with Fundamentalist faiths & a high remission rate
Meaning people who are "repaired" fall off the wagon alot
Look into NARTH or "Exodus" or "Courage" if sexual "reorientation" is what you decide to explore

You can best live peacefully & joyfully in ANY world by learning to love yourself

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Hi Dusty

You sound very commited to recovery (2 therapists)

You mention one specifically for CSA & homosexuality.
Is that particular therapist neutral or ?

I don't know anyone who went through Reparative therapy.
The American Counseling Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the National Association of Social Workers
& the American Psychological Association have ALL gone on record that Reparative therapy shouldn't be implemented & is unethical.
(Reparative as in "broken" & needing to be "fixed").

Hope this helps you make an informed decision.

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.

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Good for you Dusty!!!! HUGGSSSSSSSSSSSS

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congratulations dusty! you deserve to qualify and maximize the gift of sexual orientation you've been given. no more excuses. if you meet all of larry's criteria mentioned in his response above, then just walk away from any doubts or taunts that imply you were meant to be otherwise. and beginining with yourself, learn to embrace everyone's right to be who they are, without apology:

.....................a miraculous work-in-progress!

ron

Dusty,

Everytime I revisit this post I get tripped up over the part on 21/1008 where you state the world HATES you.

I hope your not including ME in this world.

To me, you are much more than your sexual orientation.

Be good to yourself, YOU DESERVE IT...!!!


island

Dusty,

I am so "happy" for you. It is not easy to admit just "who you are" It certainly was not easy for me, but since I did, I have felt such a big relief. For me I always have to reread over and over a note above my computer.. "I am a good person", and "It is OK for me to be ME"

I hope that you find that "guy" who is out there looking for you also.

Ken

Dusty, See I told you that you aren't alone and that you are not hated. We here accept YOU for just being YOU. Hope that you find happiness. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

.

hi guys, i'm glad steve stipulated that it was the preference, ie, the choice, that may be changed.

however, one's fundamental sexual orientation is a gift, and yes, while that may have been obscured as a ramification of the abuse, heterosexuality must not automatically be assumed. this has done a great amount of damage to many people who don't fit the obligatory self-label that the culture obliges us to wear.

the more important challenge in my opinion, is that which engages the individual in the process of discovery of their true sexual nature. that places a great deal of responsibility on the shoulders of the individual, where it rightly belongs.

exercise your right to discern your place on the sexual continuum, and realize that that very well may be subject to change or shift, and one must unapologetically exercise the freedom to do so.

ah, freedom, ease, elbow room......can you feel it in the air!!!!???

i can!!!!!!

recovery is possible, yes even in the broader cultural context!

your brother in recovery,

ron

i dunno?

preference...
hmm should I wear these shoes
or those ones
the premise also sounds like there is a choice?
is there a right one too?
maybe I'll flip a coin

sexual & romantic orientation...
that's more like it IMO
heal the trauma that imprinted over our natural sexual orientation letting it emerge unabashedly & unashamedly
while not taking on any heterosexism
(there's a new one for ya)

C

ps... i aint an activist...
more a cunning linguist that likes men
& thinks new vocabulary & analogies are needed

language... it's a virus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FeyGTmw0I0

.

huh?

based on your tag line I would say it makes you more predatory

C

nope, it makes you honest

If you make the choice based on the individual?

We would be dealing with with those intangible things like personality and feelings.

How dare you be so deep....ha.ha.ha...!!!


island

well.......

if there is no BOING, aren't personality & feelings are secondary?
Dare I be so basic?

RECLAIM YOUR GODGIVEN NATURAL PROPENSITY FOR BOING WITHOUT SHAME
or other dickwads projections, negative transference &/or superiority, morality ad nauseum

C

forgive me for intruding, but haven't too many men been already accused of thinking with their BOING, instead of their heads, and hearts? Without these two other components, BOING is just BOING, and perhaps a left over from days thankfully past?

Good point.

Original context had to do with acceptance of original GodGiven BOING pre-abuse or
"earthly evangelical morality superiority".

Deal with the imprinting of unwanted/imposed thoughts/beliefs & behaviors resulting from
sexual abuse, trauma & victimization? HELL YEAH

Recovering healthy sexuality NUMBER ONE priority.
That includes also identifying then dealing with "ism's" & "phobia's" too

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.

Dusty, I am glad you have come to some kind of terms with your issues.

However, culture "shoves" ( I think that is what you were saying?) "orientation" regardless of how we feel about it
- overtly in mass media etc & covertly simply through the language we use when we talk to or about each other.

I had a PM from someone concerning sexualities who said they would "never assume to correct how they feel or act"
(they being "straight, gay, bisexual and asexual men in groups")
Bold emphasis added by me.

The inference is something is wrong & something is right.
Subtle, yes; but pervasive in all cultures.

Again, I am glad you have come to some peace.

C

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Had to re-read this thread to get where your "brain injuries"? context came from dusty.
Couldn't find any "connection".
But I did read you mention that you were also communicating about this topic via PMs due to privacy concerns.
Has anyone suggested in a PM that you might be "brain injured"?

I wish you well on your recovery as I do anyone struggling with sexual identity confusion
regardless of what their sexual & romantic orientation is.

C

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dusty
thanks for your candor

listen to your heart
gay, straight, bi or ?
I hope you have someone that supports you unconditionally

C

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