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#244530 - 08/14/08 02:36 PM tired of feeling separate and unlinked
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dan's post on struggling triggered me a bit [in a good way i guess] to ponder a few things about my life.


i have been in this transitional period for a long time now, where i kinda feel as if i am somewhere between definite and delusional.

part of me wonders if it is just a combination of the sexual abuse and having a gay orientation, but recently, i have been realizing that there has always been a disconnect between me and the worlds that i live in.

i just came in from the front porch and was hypnotized by the beautiful gentle rainfall. i was thinking about my life [i live with my sister and her husband; their two daughters are grown and one is in the navy and the other is getting ready to go back for her junior year in college], and what i was thinking about in particular was the sense that even tho i am loved by my sister and her family, i am acutely aware the feeling that i have of always being on the outside looking in.

it was like that in my family after i disclosed the abuse. it has always been like that in my career as a gay catholic church musician.

i am deeply longing to feel psychically connected to some puropse beyond myself, such as the second person in a partnership, or a community where i do not have to hid 90% of who i really am.

i keep looking high and low for the missing link, and i think that is it. i do remember when i was quite young, feeling that sense of connection and repose in the family system. but since the abuse i have found no place to call home, and that has been reflected in my own inner wanderlust. throughout my life, i have had to compartmentalize and portion myself out in increments and only as it related to the set of circumstances of a particular moment.

i wonder if 'straight' people feel that disenfranchisement within themselves? i am sure they do to some degree, we all have to on some level; i just goes with being human. but how many have to conceal their very essence? no this culture is built around the assumption of hetero orientation, and the rest be damned who don't subscribe to that mindset.

i am glad that i have been taking steps to make connections to others recently.

i have started dating, and i plan to join the local gay men's chorus this year. i still have to close off parts of myself in my work persona, but if a job opportunity would come my way that would relinquish me from the career i have tried to leave so many times before, but feel compelled to remain in, well i would surely take it.

the silver lining in this dark cloud is that at least once i join the chorus and keep on dating, then at least a greater percentage of my life will be 'connected' or linked to communities which i identify with, and that are larger than just me.

the only places i can be fully myself, are with my children, in the band, and in my head.

i think my desert wandering will find its oasis as i begin to become involved in organizations larger than me; places where i don't have to keep on apoligizing or fearing that i will not be accepted unconditionally for who and what i am.

i am sick of just being tolerated, and having to just keep quiet about everything. i am tired of this big invisible hand covering up my mouth.


ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#245392 - 08/18/08 02:36 PM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Sans Logos]
Kamilin Offline


Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Colombia
i hope you find a way to improve yourself.

i am 22, and my life is broken. i haven`t succed in college, i always dropout.

i am not constant, i start many things but never finish them. sometimes i feel like i`m in the right path, but then i get lost again.

i spent most of my time being lost. at the end, i realized, that you can heal your life with a couple, wether is a guy or a girl, or a man, or even a boy, but the important thing is for it to be right. when you shake a person`s hand, sometimes you can feel if that person means something for you. you gotta look for the energy and make your move as long as it is right.

_________________________
Kamilin

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#246018 - 08/21/08 02:19 PM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Sans Logos]
Joel Rosset Offline


Registered: 08/21/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Canada
Ihear what you're saying. I'm fifty one now and I still don't feel that I'm connected to anyone or anything, I don't fit anywhere - ya know?. What I found that helped me was a change of attititude about being alone. I went from being all by myself to being with me. Living my life on my terms for my gratitification. It was hard at fisrt to approve of me - I'd never really done that, but with time it got easier. Guess what ? I like me now, even though I'm still alone and not dating, I like me just fine. I've never had that before and for me it makes all the difference. Hang tough,you'll get there. Remember that recovery is process not an event!

_________________________
Wise souls are deeply scarred

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#250169 - 09/18/08 09:49 AM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Joel Rosset]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
joel, thank you. yes there is a difference between isolation and cultivated solitude. i really believe that one of the greatest benefits of my being born with my particular orientation is that it has made me a deeply compassionate and tolerant human being [on the minus side, deeply intolerant of injustice toward the marginalized].

since i've started becoming more involved in the mcc church here, my life has truly found its peace. i am surrounded by people and living in a world that was fabricated for me. yes, i am organizing my life around what for me has become a promised land. i have invested enough of my precious human currency in trying to prove my worth outside the circle of tolerance and unconditional lovingkindness.

my next chapter will include healing the rift and recovery from the spiritual damage that occured, leaving me myopic and cynical, and severely divided as a result of having to learn to survive as a divided person.

i am happy now that i can chose to give my love to people who need it, and welcome it without caveat.

your brother in recovery from a huge jangled mess of issues [i think they call it life],

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#250172 - 09/18/08 10:19 AM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
That's great Ron. Now that you are investing in areas where you feel connected (MCC, gay chorus, etc.) are you finding it easier to feel connected to your sister and her family? When I was reading the beginning of the thread, I was thinking that connecting elsewhere might bleed over into allowing yourself to connect in areas where you once felt to be an outsider. I've found that I don't have to be known as gay and/or as a survivor in every facet of my life, but enough of them that I feel connected and grounded. That is enough to allow me to connect in other ways to the parts of my life where I'm not known and more guarded about who I am.

Each person's progress is someone else's inspiration. Keep healing Ron!

Peace and love always...

Michael


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#250174 - 09/18/08 11:11 AM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: M3]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
michael, thanks for your response. you hit the nail on the head. i am experiencing more of a sense of psychic 'breathing room' in life in general now since a larger percentage of my life is spent in my own element.

i have been transitioning to a new life over the past 12 months, and part of my angst has been that i have been living in between comfortable locations.

when i lived in minneapolis, the majority of my life was lived out of a much safer and accepting environment.

the return to pittsburgh has presented its special challenges. the two cities have very different climates regarding their tolerance and acceptance of non-traditional lifestyles.

actually, my sister is the only person in my family who has given me unconditional love and support, so that is a major stress reliever for me.

one of the things that being in the cracks has done for me, is that it has helped me to understand how the impact of living in secrecy had really jaded me.

seeing that, i now know what solutions to apply to remedy it.

on the healthy end of the scale, i will always be vigilant in terms of how i perceive social justice issues, and equal rights regarding race and creed and orientation, but i am a bit abashed to say that on the unhealthy side of things, my tendency toward cynicism when feeling isolated leaves me a bit chagrined. still at my stage of recovery, i have learned to allow myself and others to be less than perfect, and so i do not heap recriminations on myself for being human.

i am glad that, having lived for a while outside the benefit of supportive parentheses, i have gained a more objective sense of what my needs are, and how i can decline into misanthropy and general distrust when lacking a supportive environment.

ken's post on homonegativity bangs a gong regarding what can happen to gay people's mental health when outside a safe and supportive environment.

feeling much better these days.

thanks for being a friend,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#250231 - 09/18/08 10:11 PM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Sans Logos]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
You know, I thought the difference was between being alone and feeling lonely.

Now we have cultivated solitude. Conjures up images of a monk while gardening.

I sure feel separated and unlinked in the verbage department.


(Seriously) Good for you Sans Logos, I hope you keep making those connections...!!!

Stick with the winners and Win with the stickers. (don't give up).

You inspire me, and bring great insight (for me) here at M.S.


Cosmic Love (Kitaro)

Island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#250251 - 09/19/08 02:48 AM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Sans Logos]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
i wonder if 'straight' people feel that disenfranchisement within themselves?

Of course i'm only speaking for myself, but ever since I could remember, i always felt like i had to play a role- that who i "really" was would never be accepted or embraced, that i was to be forever on the outside looking in, trying to understand the various rules, so often feeling either hopelessly naive or far too jaded, depending on the social context; but almost always feeling like i was inwardly scrambling to adapt the proper protective camouflage... I might be straight, but many of the good friends i made as a kid due to a shared bond of being somehow "different" turned out to be gay or lesbian; there were many shared stories of incidences where there had been rejection or hostility from peers or adults where, although none of the people involved could put a label on it, we were different, and therefore threatening in some way. It's a little hard to describe, i guess... but before i understood any subtexts about McCarthyism, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" struck a chord with me. Sorry if i'm rambling, but i hope something in all this makes some sense..

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#250312 - 09/19/08 09:57 PM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: dgoods]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
When it comes to my CSA, my alcoholism and my sexual orientation, I am very much a chameleon.

One definition of chameleon is defined as: A changeable person.

I can only speak for myself, but I FEEL, many on this site would also view themselves as chameleons, that can adapt, change, blend into any given situation.

This can be a strenth when working on types of jobs that shift and change at a moments notice.

I believe it can also be a weakness, when we rationalize or deny, who we are, or what we perceive we should be.

Society as a whole sets standards (right, wrong, or indifferent).

Case in point:Boys should be able to protect themselves simply because they are male. wha??? WRONG.

Whose tired of changing colors? (please raise your hand).

I am, who I am and I am a good person. If you don't want to be around me, maybe you should just go ahead and hang around other people (who ironically, just might be pretending to be who they are not).

Point ...I am me,you are you, all we are, inside the electric circus.

Shortsightedness, (any other word), your loss, could have been beautiful, no time,movin on...


AWAKE THAT FEELING TOGETHER And HOOKING UP...!!!


Good for you Sans Logos, I'm down.

He who watches the clock, usually becomes one of the hands and..

The time is???,...NOW!!! Run for the roses. (Dan Fogelberg)


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#250363 - 09/20/08 01:51 PM Re: tired of feeling separate and unlinked [Re: Sans Logos]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I totally relate to your feelings of being on the outside looking in. I still feel that way a lot of the time myself, though the lack of connection is not part of that feeling anymore.(Thank you Alan Watts!)

Being other than heterosexual is disenfranchising enough..add sexual abuse and it's one tough row to hoe! (((Ron)))


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My Story
My Art

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