I have posted on here before but it has been awhile. I was raped at gun point also. (I just read some of the other posts) I am having trouble being out in groups. When I am with my wife I am fine. But alone is quite something else. I just turned down a job because I was afraid to go out at nite. I was getting ready and started having a panic attack. I just wonder if I will ever feel right again. I started going to therapy this last week. Infact I am "trying out" two different places. The one therapyist said I need to develope male friends. I find that so hard to do. I do not feel like a "man" I get nervous around them. Yet, I desperately need male friendship. It's been five months since I was raped and it feels like yesterday. At times I can forget about it and those moments are great. I guess I am trying to reach out here to other men. At least here everyone understands all this. Thanks for listening.

Terry

hello Redsongbird. You ask a VERY good questin. I don't know. During the 1960s,70s,80s, and part of 1990 I thought I did feel the past of male rape had gone away. But then being hit by a NYC subway train and a lot of brain damage, made me try to deal with the horrid past. The first time I tried therapy it was a total mistake. But then the horrid news of male rapes by two "public" people here is Nashville during 2000, made me attend an all male abuse senter. I still attend that center. I believe that no matter how we look at the subject of rape, the feelings of those abused individuals NEVER go away. Yes, through time we do, hopefully, learn to accept and deal with what happened to us. I don't know your age, but take it from somebody that tries to deal with the horrid past every day, it is a never ending battle. However, you have taken the first step, you are admiting what happened to you. Good luck in the future. You have, as do all rape vitims, have my prayers. Bosishere.

I sometimes have a very difficult time going out at night too. I have always been afraid of the dark (yes I am 37 yrs old). There are times that it is just much too scary.

For a long time, I would go out and go to the store late (because there are fewer people in the store). However I would get scared going out at night. My fears turned into aggression driving to the store or even in the store. I knew that something had to change or I would end up in the back of a police car.

I have gotten to the point now that I ask my partner to go with me at night. Once in awhile, I venture out by myself at night but not much. It helps calm me down a lot if someone is there with me when it is dark. Even to go see my therapist in the evenings, the building is too quiet and dark and scary for me. So my guy has gone with me and he just reads while I am in my session.

Of course things have gotten better because at one time, the only thing I would leave my house for was to go to work, or to the store.. nothing else. I was too afraid to leave my 4 walls in the day or the night.

Don

Thanks Bosishere & Mr Don for your replys. You sometimes it is not just going out at nite that bothers me. For instance today I was on my way to class. (I am taking a college course of Intro to Soc) I had to fight with myself to even go. I have in the past started to go and then get almost there and not go in. My T says I am suffering from PTSD. Today I got up and got showered and dressed. Helped my wife get ready for work. We both left at the same time. I got a block away and had to start telling myself I am going to go do this. I get there and then the car dies so I had to call someone to come get me. LAter on today my father in law and I will go back to get the car. SO I ended up not going to class anyway. There are other times too I stress out. This sounds so silly but sometimes when I am in the checkout line at the grocery store I get all sweaty and all. Thank god now for the automatic checkout systems. If I can I go through them. And it is not all the time I feel like that. Who knows.

Redsongbird

Redsongbird,

Sorry about your past and more current abuse. I don't know about ever feeling right again, but I do think coping with life a gain will come. The concept of "right" has eluded me since the memory of my abuse has returned. I don't trust myself to know what feeling right would be like.

Also, I don't know why, but grocery stores are a trigger for my anxiety also, I had my first anxiety attack in a grocery store and they frequently happen there.

Ken

Terry,
My therapist told me that I should get together some male friends....I asked him how I could tell if they were hung big enough before making friends with them....he went nuts and started telling me that I was a hard case and wouldn't follow his teaching and believe the things that he told me....he was really going ape when he told me that the only way to feel right about myself was to follow the plan and change what "FEELING RIGHT" ment to me!!!! He said that there are real assholes, who kill and rape but really feel right about it! You have to feel right even if you are fucked up...you can change what is right for you and then feel better???? He said that this is what all of the therapists are doing...trying to make people feel right about themselfs! Is my therapist nuts or what?
You talked before about "DID"!!!!!!
How this will change everything...Parts start to come out and take over and do WHATEVER!!!!!! I work at night...have been for 8 years before my flashbacks started...I get there automactily and lock all the doors. But dig this, I find myself walking in Druid Park...3am to 4am and really freak out...this is the worst park in the city...very big, dark, and loaded with crazies!!! I head for the main road where a cop always comes by...stops and opens the front door...saying Death Wish...you bitch...come on, I'll give you a ride back! How do you feel right about this kind of shit or the shit that happens whenever parts come out??????? Parts can wait 20...60 years to come out and take over. If you really need to feel right again...first find out if you ARE "DID"....if so.... worry about getting someone to treat that...the PTSD is nothing compaired to DID. You have to learn to control your Parts before anything...just to stay alive!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie

Eddie

I read your post and I am concerned that your therapis would be so insensitive to your fears. No therapist has the right to yell at you or push you to feel better. He should not be give you advice based on what he thinks but to listen to you and based on that try and move you gently to a more health place. All alone make sure that you are always safe and conforatble with how thing are going. I have seen a number of different theripsts in different provinces of Canada and have found carring and compassionate people who have helped me to move in to a more healthy life. I wish you courage and love in your journey. Ask your self in your gut how you felt about your theripst actions and go from there.

Wishing you love and peace

Paul

Eddie,
You are more healthy than your therapist!

Well first of all I "was" DID but I worked with a T for 8 years and integrated. Though this last event has got me some worried I seem to be alright in that area.

I just don't want to revert back to old coping mechinisms. So the T has his own set of Feeling Righ? Does he say WHAT that is? Some T's are so insensitive. I believe though I have found one who is really going to help me. He is looking for patterns in my life so I can identify actions that bring on feelings of not feeling right. At least it is a start.

Terry

Redsongbird, I teach and I live in Michigan.
If you want to you can email me.

mickeyjk@teacher.com

I too was raped at 21, it is a hard thing to get over. Let me know if there is anything you need. I am willing to listen. I live near Battle Creek and Kalamazoo.