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#2521 - 08/09/06 08:26 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Sorry to bring this up again but I just got back and read through all the replies here...

Yeah, I agree with everything you're all saying... I know what they say and how they trick you into asking for it, feeling like it's your fault, thanking them... all that.

Maybe I'm being stubborn about it here... I just feel that I had a choice to make and I made the wrong one. I mean it's not like he groomed me first and then tried something sexual, it all happened the very first time.

Yes, ok, his timing was perfect, I had just got a beating from my father and was alone, scared, feeling bad... that's when he came in to "comfort" me. Did a little more than comfort me. But somewhere in there he asked me if I wanted him to do this... even said he'd stop if I didn't want him to.

I said... "Yes"
The rest is history

Jay


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#2522 - 08/09/06 08:48 PM Re: I give up
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jay,

beating yourself up is no answer is it!
Think of the timing of the perp who did it.
They sought kids like us, who were down and
feeling bad.

I had one perp follow me for years, and wish I had the strength to think the cops would act on what a little kid told them, but I didnt, and thought his word would go against mine.

Even though I tracked him down to two addresses, one with boys visiting frequently, and the perps 'friends' coming and going.

The neighbours never shopped him, even though it stuck out like a sore thumb.
That was the 70s though, when you just got told off for abusing boys.

If an adult does things like that to a kid, its the adults responsibility for assaulting you.
It does not matter one tiny bit if you liked it, it was the adult who initiated it, and the body and mind can get used to a trait.

It is no more than luring you into a trap, and one that is going to upset your whole child and adult life.

Everybody in here has some form of guilt complex from abuse, but believe me, none of it was YOUR Fault,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#2523 - 08/09/06 08:55 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Ste...
Thanks, and no, beating myself up is no answer to this... I'd much rather have someone else do it for me \:\) <-- Just kidding about that.

Funny thing though, so he lured me into a trap and trapped me there for years. I finally get out and get lured into another trap a year and a half later... you'd think I would have learned the first time! But I suppose the first time I was just young and didn't know any better, the second time I was too wasted to care.

And I don't blame you for not telling the cops, I have my own problems with the cops.

Jay


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#2524 - 08/09/06 09:39 PM Re: I give up
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jay,

the perp 'conditioned you' into thinking it was some sort of 'love'.
It is a trap, because you are only an animal, and animals can be conditioned.

When I say animal, I dont mean it in the sense of the word, but rather to say that you reacted to stimulation which he provided be co-ercing you into it.

Example; If I was a 'rent boy' looking for paid sex with men, then who would be at fault?
It would not be me, even though I touted for sex.
It would be the the man who paid me to do it.

The man who sought sex with a child would be seen as responsible for the cycle of abuse in society.
Nobody would make movies if there was no market, and the music industry would not survive without the money they get to produce it.

The example paragraph says it all. I am now at say 11yo into the cycle of abuse because somebody took me against my will, and I was acting out sexually without going through puberty.

My mind is stuck into a mode were I expect men to do these things, and not only the dodgy old man, but all men.

I could have been a minesweeper for any perp in any neighbourhood, because acting out is subconscious and it is a trait.

You will get through,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#2525 - 08/10/06 02:28 AM Re: I give up
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
jay do you really think it would have made him stop if you had said no? lots of kids who said no ended up begging for it just to stop the beatings that can be the result of saying no. i said no i got the shit kicked out of me and still got molested anyway ,would have been safer to just go along . bottom line is the age difference is so big that a kid dont stand a chance against an adult he made you think you had a choice but you really didnt ,thats part of their game making it look like you had a way out but none of us really did. shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#2526 - 08/10/06 01:46 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Shadow, good question.
I don't really know if it would have made him stop if I said "no". My head tells me that yes he probably would have only because he was good at playing that game.. he would have continued to pursue it I'm sure. My gut tells me that he would have just talked me into it, coerced me or continued to condition me like Ste said.

It's confusing to me because I keep getting stuck somewhere in-between the abuse from my uncle which as it turns out was planned/manipulative/calculated, etc... and the assault four years ago which was just flat out violent. That assault, right I said no and got the fuck beat out of me for it, got raped anyway. But my uncle... I just don't know.

The 21 year old me is rational and knows he just played with my mind and brainwashed me, etc. The kid me... I guess he's still convinced that the guy actually cared about me.


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#2527 - 08/10/06 01:57 PM Re: I give up
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
well maybe in his twisted mind he did ,but not as a person just as an object to be used for his own pleasure.well you were not just some toy for him to play with you were a person ,just a kid with all kinds of questions and he provided answers ,but not to help you only to lure you in . one thing those bastards do is make the kids care about them ,but not cause he wants you for a friend ,its way harder for a kid to tell on someone he knows and likes.they make kids love them ,they become your best friend just a way to be sure you keep quiet,shit how could a kid tell on his only friend? they also try to keep you isolated so that they are the only friend you have if he was nice to you its only to keep you quiet but how can a kid ever be expected to see the true motive behind what they do.none of it was your fault dude ,none of it .is it wrong for a kid to like somebody ,hell no thats all your guilty of ,having a good heart that was breaking ,thats what he saw ,just a target ,dude he so took advantage of you shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#2528 - 08/10/06 02:06 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Thanks for saying that to me Shadow.

Truth fucking hurts... but thanks, I needed to read it. I know he took advantage of me and I know he lied to me for his own selfish reasons. Not only did he hurt me then but he ultimately set me up for years of hurt after he was done with me.

Damn I miss him sometimes... how freaking crazy is that?!?!


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#2529 - 08/10/06 03:08 PM Re: I give up
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hi Jaysen

I've been out of touch - but I am seeing your post

and wanted to just say Hi.

I hope the winds of hope and a nice moment

a twinkle of something happy - or pretty

or just a good thing

came by to distract -

and keep you knowing

good times - good moments happen

\:\)

you deserve better -

and look at you!!!

coming here to heal!!!

you're making that good stuff you deserve
on the track to coming true!

day by day!

way to go bud!!!

(((jaysen)))


!!!
pax - mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#2530 - 08/10/06 03:10 PM Re: I give up
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
accidental double entry - *

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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