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#249711 - 09/15/08 04:09 PM is it so wrong ?
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
I just dont understand things anymore. I just wish you can turn a button off like the light switch and you wont wake up anymore. I really hate life. Not sure what to do. I mean here i thought my life was doing well putting a round peg in a square hole most of my life i know i am bi but tried to stay on the str8t side. I get married been 4 years now. I knew this boy for a little over 5 years he came of age and i told him how i felt about him. Not sure what it is about him that held my heart steadfast. Well one thing led to another and the next thing we were having sex but it was more then just sex. It was totally different from all the other times that i had sex with either male or female. I was really seeing fireworks and never kissed anyone before not much with my wife either I thought a kiss was just a formality. I never really cared to kiss. Until day i kissed him n i had never felt anything like it before. The sex went way beyound just sex it was more. See i never knew what it was to fall in love with another person or experienced love. Till that day i was told that i am falling or fallen in love with him. Well its been 6 months i guess he mostly wanted just to get off and nothing more. Then he came back and again I like a dummy had sex I just wanted to be close to him. I was willing to even go as far to give myself to him and i am a top person. I was raped as a boy when i was 5 yrs old and when i was in boys school i was forced to do sexual stuff to older males i was like 11 yrs old i was out of the boys school when i was 15. Now i have not seen him at all i just spoke to him and asked him if i should walk out of his life for good and he shooked his head no but the things he does like not calling or coming around. Its driving me mad I am soo depressed over this and i just cant seem to get him out of my heart. Past year i would cry at the drop of a hat i lost lot of weight. I hurt so bad inside and i want him so much. I just dont know what to do Is it wrong cause i am 46 years old and want a younger male in my life to give my love too? I don't feel comfortable with males my age or close to my age. I tried to date a 33 year old not long ago It was ok but i wasn't comforatable with him. Is this so wrong? What is it about the younger males that don't want anything to do with us older males who want a younger male in our lives but to them were to old.


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#249717 - 09/15/08 04:41 PM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: josef^61]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 330
I don't really think the question should be, "is it so wrong"..
I think the question should be "Why do I feel so guilty?"

The people are experiencing "Sexual trauma." Its something that profoundly effects us, like an addictive drug that hurts us instead of giving us highs. Its so oddly "fulfilling" to hate ourselves instead of accepting that we are innocent, even if our enemies have raped us, and taking our innocense away, we are still innocent.

It makes no grammatical sense, but it makes sense spiritualy. Innocence itself can never be taken away, even if we must use those words to explain what has happened to us. If WE do evil things, THAT takes our innocence away. If things are done to US... It takes something away from us, but its not something that won't be repayed by magnifold.


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#249720 - 09/15/08 04:50 PM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: Marinan]
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
I am over the guilty part I am trying to get over the hurt part that isn't wanting to go away and how to deal with it cause its taking over my life its all i can do is think of him everyday i get up i dont want to get up n when i come home i dont want to come home cause i know he isn't there my god i dont know what is happening to me i never experience anything this so intense in my life I always was in control of how i felt and now its like i have no control over what i am feeling


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#249724 - 09/15/08 05:10 PM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: josef^61]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Originally Posted By: josef^61
Is it wrong cause i am 46 years old and want a younger male in my life to give my love too? I don't feel comfortable with males my age or close to my age. I tried to date a 33 year old not long ago It was ok but i wasn't comforatable with him. Is this so wrong? What is it about the younger males that don't want anything to do with us older males who want a younger male in our lives but to them were to old.


josef, to answer your question, and not to minimize your pain, but when you ask this question i have ask the same one back. would you be comfortable dating someone 20 years older than you, age 66?

i think you are headed in the right direction in this line of inquisition; my heart goes out to you, as i ask that you to consider that what you are needing so badly is to be loved by yourself first. forgive me for assuming that you may be possibly trying to recapture your own inner child who was abandoned by you and everyone else at such an early age. i know because i have been there. i don't want to seem preachy to you, just frank. i only want you to begin your healing.

have you considered talking about these issues with a therapist or some type of knowledgeable counselor? you have so many difficult decisions to make, and so many hard questions to grapple with at this time.

while it is excellent that you are here with us, i deeply suggest getting some local support for all of these challenges you face.

may you find a light to guide your way. and please stay here with us as you take this journey. there is so much more to it than meets the eye, and you will be better off sharing your concerns with others who can relate on very deep levels.

the guys here are good people to have in your life, and all of us will give our best to you as you work through your confusion.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
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  2. ReClaiming Now
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#249726 - 09/15/08 05:11 PM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: josef^61]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I just want to add what I discovered about myself. I finally figured out my sexuality after many many years. It was the most amazing feeling to finally unleash all my thoughts and tell the whold just who I am. No more hiding from others and no more hiding from myself. No more lies to others and no more lies to myself. For so many years I tried to tell myself that I was straight. I told myself not to have thought, sexual, about guys. It was wrong. I tried to convince myself it was just fantacy and not really how I felt.

Well, I have as thy say, came out. I am a gay man and I am so happy and excited to tell the truth. The truth to myself. I have recently found the most loving guy and our relationship in and out of the bedroom is awesome.

I am finally living the life I was given. I am not living in denial anymore. And the feeling is totallly awesome. I am living my life and not trying to be someone I am not. And I no longer care what others friends/family think about me. If they can't be happy for me, then their not really my friends. Wow, I just got carried away. But it is just so amazing, feeling that is, to finally tell the truth. The truth to myself.

And, no it isn't so wrong!

Thanks for listening

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

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#249812 - 09/16/08 03:37 AM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: KENKEN]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
O.K.

Is it so wrong? No. Somebody's out there, And you will meet sombody, somewhere, someday. (lyrics from the band Triumph).
True though...just takes time...to find the right match.

I'm not trying to sound cold, and I'm sure there are younger males that like older men. But it sounds to me like he might not the one for you.

Ultimately (of course) only you can make that decision.

Sounds to me like he's experimenting whether he is gay.

Much like I did after my abuse.


Just a guess, but what I see in this post, is what I see in myself.

I am very compulsive. If it, looks good, smells good, tastes good...I want more of it...

Be it, alcohol,drugs,sex,food,T.V.,video games, movies, being on the computer,going to A.A meetings...

I want it ALL, AND I want it NOW.


So I guess... my first question is... Are you being compulsive? With this person?


and my second question is...How comfortable are you in your own skin?


I ask the second question...because...until I could answer it truthfully...I shouldn't be looking for a relationship.

Finally I got to a point where I didn't need anyone to fix me.

Then and only then, should I be looking for someone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still nucking futz, I just don't NEED anyone to fix me.

I guess my point is I have tried REALLY HARD, to be as healthy as possible.

And still some days my head is full of crazy.


Sans Logos is right, The healing journey is important,vital, crucial, Have I found the right word? Before relationship...???


Hope this helps.


island



_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#249820 - 09/16/08 05:58 AM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: 1islandboy]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Josef,

I recently celebrated a birthday. In heterosexual years, I became 32 years-old. However, in homosexual years, I am 268 years-old. Oh! To be the 21 year-old newbie twink again, with not a worry in the world, and all the male company one could ask for...

The good news is, this isn't really life. It's a fantasy that the gay community portrays on itself to prove that we, gay men, are all beautiful and young, regardless of our sexual agendas and orientations.

There's a few episodes in the old Showtime Origional Series "Queer As Folk, " where Emmitt, a 32 year-old drama queen falls in love with George Shickle, a 66 year-old, divorced millionaire, and owner of Shickle's Pickles. (Now I would normally never use a television show to get my point across, but this just seemed like a good one.) How can a man own a pickle company and be straight? It's not possible. I looked it up in the dick-ionary, and the definition of Pickle Maker is, "he who makes pickles." Now how hetero is that? LOL

My point of this story is that here we have a 32 year-old man, and a 66 year-old man falling in love with each other, joining together with an attraction of thought, emotion, and friendship. Isn't that how all relationships should start anyway?? At first, Emmitt wasn't attracted to George, and he considered George to be about a thousand years-old before he knew him. Once they started talking, things turned from friendship, to relationship, and ultimately to sensual-ship. (By the way, George Shickle died a few episodes later, but that's besides the point.)

I believe there's one guy or one girl for everyone. Somewhere on this earth, he/she is walking around waiting to be found, or waiting to find. Maybe you just need to stop "wanting" and "needing" and "hoping" and "praying" and "fantasizing" and just wait! Try to be a friend first and then see what comes out of it. This age thing is all a bunch of BS.

Oh and by the way, stay away from the twinks and the drag queens. You DON'T need that kind of drama in your life!

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction." - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Good luck!

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#249828 - 09/16/08 08:24 AM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: Stretch73]
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
Ok Stretch 73 you peaked my curiosity about stay away from the twinks \:\)
I guess i really spouted off sometimes which i do need when i am having them days of being down so deep that i know of nothing else to do but write what i am thinking n feeling at the time.
Its taken me a very long time to be comfortable with myself Yes i am gay It just didn't happen overnight. I have been bi but i tried to live a str8t life. Sans you might be so right to what your thinking cause in some sense i have come to the same conclusion. See at the time i was in a boys school i was 15 and another boy that i knew was of the same age I had a deep crush on him and yes we had sex. From what i remember it was all good but he was just experimenting and as for me i wanted more.Thinking about it now i could say i was gay. My first crush was when i was 10 with another boy that i drooled over everyday that he came on the bus for school. I think what happen is my real father came into the picture and made certain promises that he never kept. I was told i was devastated by this and that i tried several times to kill myself. I am not sure but what i think happen that it caused me to change directions and forgotten things that happen, including the affair. I was just starting to adjust to a normal life, from all the abuse i went through i started to learn what it was like to love or feel for another.
Maybe Sans your right in some sense he reminded me of these things that i had forgotten. I don't know but its one of the things he had awoken up that was long forgotten.

Sans you wrote:possibly trying to recapture your own inner child who was abandoned by you and everyone else at such an early age.
I know now that this isn't a good age for someone to deal with in any type of commitment maybe cause of there maturity I don't know i am just speculating this. I could be wrong. See cause i had to grow up at the age of 16 to live out on my own so I had to deal with other things other then being a teen.

He is my first that i have fallen in love with the first i have had experienced these feelings. I have never experienced anything like this before not even with my wife.

Since then i have tried to go out with a couple of others that were older like in there 30's it was ok the sex was but i just wasn't totally comfortable with them I have tried with someone that is my age which didn't go very well at all. It seems that most older gay males have one thing in mind and such perverts they are!:)(evil grin)
I know that all this person does is lie n more lies and uses others for his gain. I have to give him up i know this but the hurt and yes the need to love someone and yes the fear that i will never again find someone that i will fall in love with.
It felt so good and i want more and i need more and i am not talking about just sex. I fear that it was the first and it will be the last Its taken me all these years to know what its like to love someone truly love them for who they are and wanting to do for them to please them in all ways.


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#249892 - 09/16/08 09:44 PM Re: is it so wrong ? [Re: josef^61]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I agree with maranin. I like younger people too and the great thing is that it's a big world. There are young people who like older just like there are older who like younger and there is nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. I'm 43 and seeing a 25 year old and granted I have insecurities about it but I don't feel ashamed or guilty.


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