I tend to stay out of the spirituality forum, my beliefs are my own, and I don’t feel the need to justify them or the need to defend them ... I was bought up Catholic, I don’t follow any brand of religion now though, but as a part of my upbringing I was taught to believe in Angels ... and I do, if that qualifies me as being nuts then so be it
Something happened to me in the chat room in the first month or so that I was at MS that had me really confused for a while ... it changed my perspective of when the abuse started for me in my family and what I thought went on back then.
This experience no longer confuses me, now it comforts me but at the time I didn’t know what was happening and it frightened me no end ... I couldn’t tell anyone before because I thought everyone would think I was nuts, yet I risk that now because my recent absence from MS has highlighted to me the benefits of being at MS and interacting with people and getting their feedback ... I will try to tell you what happened and try to find the right words to describe my feelings at the time ...
I was talking to someone who I hardly knew then, but has since become a good friend, talking about how I believe in guardian angels, when he posted a song, the song triggered a strong emotional response in me, memories of a Catholic upbringing came flooding back and then I had what I now know to be a flashback ...
Listening to the song I can see me when I was kid at the age of about 5 or 6 ... it was me crying to my mum asking her not to leave me, but it wasn’t just crying I was begging, pleading for her to stay and I could feel how desperate the kid was that she not leave him, it was a friggin’ horrible feeling !!! Then I see my mum lean down and she whispers in my ear and leaves ... I remember clearly her saying to me “Be good, just do what he wants and it will all be over soon” ...
Then the kid is being let away by a man, he is grabbing at the kid ... I can’t see the man’s face but it feels like my dad, the kid is terrified – at this point I was terrified myself and accidently closed the chat down, I was actually trying to stop the song but hit the wrong button LOL – Being a novice in chat at that time I returned, not wanting to offend anyone by my sudden departure, the song had stopped playing by then but I kept hitting play, when the song would start I could again feel the kid being terrified, but it was like I was no longer the kid, but I am seeing the scene in my mind from 10 feet away, the man is blocking my view of the kid, but I can see the man is doing something to the kid and the kid is screaming and is in terrible pain.
Then from behind where I was standing watching there’s this force that comes rushing thru and past me, I can’t see it but I can feel it, it’s going really fast and it’s really powerful ... it goes thru the man and grabs the kid and takes him away.
The song is still playing but I am not looking at the pictures, and the song is demanding I look, so when I click on to the video it’s on a bit where there is a angel holding or cradling a man, but I don’t see the man in the picture because I can see myself in the arms of an angel, then I see an image of the kid again, he is looking at me as he sits holding on to the angel and I hear the kid saying “it’s ok everything is going to be alright”, at the same time this was happening the feeling of terror that I had been feeling is being replaced by something, I don’t know how to describe the feeling but it’s like there is a warmth that is flooding over me, I feel totally safe & protected ... and then I see the kid and me both sitting in the angels lap.
This feeling was so powerful, I have never felt anything like it before. I replayed the song 9 or 10 times and every time I hit that image of the angel holding the man those feelings and images repeated in my mind and I could hear the words “it’s ok everything is going to be alright”, when they were spoken a huge wave of relief washed over me.
So thru this experience in chat I realized that my abuse had started at a much earlier age than I first thought and that I indeed did have a guardian angel looking after me,
Of course now I realize that what really happened to me as a child during those horrible moments of abuse with my father was dissociation ... it matters not ... I still have my angel Raphael looking out for me.
I still get that feeling from listening to that song, I have been listening to it a lot lately because I have been feeling lost and confused, it triggers me into a place where I lose myself completely when the music starts ... afterwards I realise I have ‘checked out’ again and I have been able to stop the sobbing and the feeling of hopelessness for a little while, it’s a beautiful song and has been a saving grace for me lately.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jReLRxrCJqUhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyCDUH-DEMEhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF8unwxhNho
Angels are the thoughts of God, and in Heaven, humans think like angels. Angels light the way. Angels do not begrudge anyone anything, angels do not tear down, angels do not compete, angels do not constrict their hearts, angels do not fear. That's why they sing and that's how they fly. We, of course, are only angels in disguise.
—Excerpted from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of