I transferred about four weeks ago to a new department. I like it so far. It's harder work, but the pay is better and my coworkers seem nicer.
I've developed a crush on a woman there. I've been hesitantly "gay" since college. I had a major awhile back on a lesbian who I suspected had been sexually abused too. She was eccentric, beautiful and hit on me the first time we met. I was extremely infatuated with her. It changed the way I saw my sexuality. After her, I could easily imagine myself marrying a woman and having kids.
I rarely have sex. I've never enjoyed it and I've only been with men. My choices in men are bad, and being with a man always feels degrading.
This woman flirts with me. It confuses me, not because she's a woman, but because it can't lead to anything. She has a boyfriend. She's also thirty-seven; I'm twenty-six. She looks a lot like the other girl I had a crush on, except older, and I'm wondering if that's why I'm drawn to her. My coworkers make jokes about us. We're both attractve. She often talks to me instead of working. If another woman talks to me, she gets jealous and insults her.
I don't want to be attracted to her, but I can't help it. It's not sexual, exactly. Sometimes I fantasize of kissing her, holding her, or simply opening up to her. I surround myself with walls.
She works an earlier shift than I do. Today, she stayed after work and sat with me. She's not the demure, fawning type. Others in the office decribe her as a self-absorbed princess. She nags me about my posture, my nervousness. She reminds me of my older sister in that everything that comes out of her mouth is a criticism and a word of advice.
She hurt my feelings when she told me that I needed to be more confident, or I'd end up alone. She said I'm too mousy. She said women need "a hero." She compared me to her boyfriend: she was friends with him in high school and hadn't seen him for a long time; he was a nerd, but became tough and manly. She asked me if if my friends are nerds. They kind of are, so I said yes. She told me bluntly to get rid of them.
I have a big temper, though no one believes me. I'm usually nice and quiet, but if provoked, I'll explode. I was so angry. It was hard for me to control myself. I'm sure her "hero" of a boyfriend hasn't endured a fraction of the pain I have. I survived ten years of madness, constant nightmares and virtually no social skills. I know that I'm strong. I smiled and bit my tongue.
Women are complicated, aren't they? Does she tease me because she likes me and feels guilty about it? Everytime we get close, she mentions her boyfriend. But she's the one who always tries to get near me.
Not only am I not sure how to act towards her, but I'm wondering if she's right. I hate my shyness. It's how I act, but it's not who I am. I feel as if only I know my true self. My shyness invites men to bully me, and, apparently, puts off women.
I wish she didn't affect me like this. I wish I didn't think about her as often as I do. I haven't had an attraction towards anyone, man, or woman, that's been free of torment.
Someone please reassure me that one day love will make me happy.