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#24903 - 02/18/04 05:29 AM Creating more problems
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
I had a good convo with my T today. I was dicussing some of the things I noticed about ppl on the board and that sometimes if I came here to much I started to notice more and more that I felt crappy sometimes if i tryed to discuss my issues over and over agian.

He had a legit and interesting response. That sometimes we feel weird about not feeling all that mesed up but other ppl are so insistant that we have to be fuked up because of waht happend to us that we take something little that might bug us and make it something bigger. He is right I belive, and some of the ppl here I c are constantly deprssed or down. I really dont like seeing ppl like that. I wonder if it might be helpfull for them to look at things a little bit more on the side of going through what they know about what happend to them *it was wrong, not deserving of the abuse,They are away from those ppl now, they are not alone in what happend* and other things I belive most ppl here know and try to belive those things. I c ppl post alot of the same problems kinda and I sometimes come off with the impression of that they seem uncertain about things not that they dont know them. I guess what I am triyn to say is that maybe somewhere on some issues u feel fine about them but constantly rehashing them makes them bigger issues then they really are. I hope this helps.

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#24904 - 02/18/04 10:40 AM Re: Creating more problems
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
keith,
you have raised valid points. sometimes i wonder myself if i make things more difficult than they need to be at times. it is not minimizing the crap we been through, or are going through, just that sometimes when there is something i do not understand about some aspect of my recovery that i make it out to be more then it is. an example is the fear i had about losing my identity. i wrote of this elsewhere, but what it really boiled down to was that i was afraid of facing something i never did before, not the loss of my identity, but full immersion of recall and reliving those moments that i have not yet done. on the one hand, i no longer fear losing my identity, and that is a good thing...now i just have to fear this. not much of a tradeoff it seems \:\) . i do thank you for the pause in thought that something might not be as bad as i think it is at first. take care, keith.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#24905 - 02/18/04 11:52 AM Re: Creating more problems
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Hmmm, Keith.....you've said this to me before. In another form, I think.

It gave me a moment of pause then. Now, combined with some things MY therapist told me, I have to think about it again.

I will consider this, my friend.

Peace and love,

Scot

P.S. Thank you! \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#24906 - 02/18/04 12:02 PM Re: Creating more problems
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I guess I am one of the guys here who is more or less constantly depressed and down.

I feel guilty sometimes about using this site to vent that stuff. I really don't want to get anybody else down but on the other hand I have found a lot of support here that I did not receive before.

Since I have been treated for depression since I was 17 (now 49) I know what you mean about making a big thing out of things that if we saw them realistically are not all that big. They call it distorted thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, etc.

It is a symptom and about the only thing to help it is challenging it and trying to train the brain to work differently.

Doing something so positive for myself is difficult when I am caught up in low self-esteem (self-loathing, really).

Its a vicious sort of cycle. And if you have mood swings like I do, all that is exaggerated.

It is a challenge. That you have pointed it out actually helps put things in a more realistic light. I have been really struggling with this stuff recently and any help is good.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#24907 - 02/18/04 03:46 PM Re: Creating more problems
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Honestly, I think it depends on a few things. For me, I have always been fucked up and never attributed it to my abuse until recently. So, I guess, sometimes I feel like I get to wallow in it since I went without a "why" for so long.

My therapist has done a lot of work with me on finally letting the "child" parts of me come out and speak. And one thing I've learned is that to children, EVERYTHING is big. Not getting a cookie before dinner, waking up from a nightmare, forgetting something for school... it can seem like the end of the world to them. And I think adults forget that and see the world with all of their bigger problems (a mortgage, car repairs, etc.) and diminish the feelings of the kid. Just because a child's feelings seem silly to an adult doesn't make them any less real to the child feeling them. So, now, throw some BIG problems at a little kid, and I think it's inevitable that our minds are going to have trouble processing all of this as we grow into adults.

I was told a lot as a kid and a teenager that I was "making a mountain out of a molehill" and to "just get over it." I know that it always hurt to feel so... not understood.

And I know here, despite what I write about, there is someone else who can relate and understand and the "mountain" I may or may not have created gets a little smaller for me when that happens.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#24908 - 02/18/04 04:00 PM Re: Creating more problems
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Reading replies to what I write here, especially when I am frustrated with what seems a really big problem, is a reality check for me.

I got the same kinds of messages when I was a kid S-75.

My T is helping me to see that while I would be very attendant to another child's needs, interests, and perceptions, I do not apply these things to my own "child-part."

That is what I am trying to practice but some days it is very hard. It sort of backfires sometimes taking me right back to where I was all those years ago. Other times, like today, I feel strong and a good listener to that kid. Together we can say (write) some pretty positive things, I think.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#24909 - 02/18/04 09:16 PM Re: Creating more problems
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
Yes and I do understand the feeling of being misunderstood which I still feel to this day. Really what my T was sayin and what I have put much thought into these last 2 days is that you can know something is a problem and accept what u want to change and not just wallow while u try to figure out a solution. I think he was more or less telling me about its ok to just accept what happend and let solutions come as they do and try to remain progressive in your life. He used a example, he has worked with police alot and in one case he had 2 officers who were fired apon by a criminal. they fired back both of them hitting and killing this man. One was very distruat and was just dwelling on the fact that he shot someone and how horrible he felt, while the other was very nervous and when asked why said that because he didn't feel bad, he siad well" I shot that man because he shot at me, thats my job, I dont like it but if I would have hestiated he would have killed me" He felt crappy because he thought he should feel bad. I think this example applies to ppl here *no dought I do not know all of u 100% but thats just my impressioN* also I never ment this post blaming others for bringing someone else down. I simply said that I do not like to see those ppl who are down alot be that way and I hoped to help them with something that has helped me. This doesn't mean I will stop coming here, I just will try to deal with/vent/discuss as I need to and come by to maybe help others as well.

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#24910 - 02/18/04 09:24 PM Re: Creating more problems
dan_in_newengland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/01
Posts: 162
Loc: Mass
you got it keith !! keep it up


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#24911 - 02/18/04 09:39 PM Re: Creating more problems
uselesstheories Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 23
Loc: USA
I think Keith raises a valid point; as I've said, I've only recently begun the journey that many of you have been on for years, the actual acknowledgement of the abuse only consciously arriving a few months ago.

survive75 perhaps said it best, as my own personal summation as well: "I have always been fucked up and never attributed it to my abuse until recently."

You see, that's EXACTLY how I feel. Yes it sucks - the whole thing - the why, the anger, the sense of undeservedness, et. al. but I do in fact take very much solace in finally unravelling this thirty plus year old trauma. It means that I have reasons for my actions - my resentments, my anger, my fears of intimacy, my tattered and horrid relationship with my mother and most women I've ever been near. No, it does not excuse my behaviour in regards to others, but so damned many other doors and avenues keep presenting themselves, now that I can understand WHERE these emotions emanate from.

Yes Keith, that is in fact the bright side; we can at least acknowledge these things now, identify them for what they are, and most importantly, I think, is this: when these things happened to us, we were powerless, not in control. Now we can be, so it's not only our right, but our duty, to make our lives what we want and need them to be. If we don't, our perps are still in control.

_________________________
Life is pain your Highness; anyone who tells you differently is selling something.
- William Goldman

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#24912 - 02/18/04 09:47 PM Re: Creating more problems
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I cannot agree with Keith more than others.

I think that when someone is down we should do two things

1. Lend a shoulder of support and
2. Rather than tell him what to do we should relate what worked for us in a similar instance with the same sort of shit. As an example I have used a teddy bear as my demon slayer and nightmare killer. I have take an baseball bat to a tree for anger. I think that would raise the bar for all of us. We all have done some stuff that worked for us. Lets share it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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