I am proud to say that I don't want to take drugs anymore and have decided to quit.
I have not taken cocaine in almost 2 weeks and I feel better than when I was doing it every day. That and its really expensive!
Funny, it never really made me feel better, I just thought that it would before I did it. And, then i would try to counter the paranoia with more drugs and downers.
Now, I still drink alcohol, and probably too much at that, but I think it will be less now that I won't be using drugs anymore!
I hpe that I am quiting using for the right reason, I mean half of the excitement/fun of it was getting it and once i had it in my pocket-I had this feeling of empowerment. I think that is because I could never afford to get it on a regular basis, but because of my job, I can/could afford it regularly and felt really good about that, as if it was what I was looking forward to.
I think that is part of the reason I don't want it anymore. I can get it anytime I want to now and it doesn't have the same effect-getting it that is. I can afford to.
Now I don't want it because I don't look forward to getting it OR doing it!
I hope that I am quitting it for the right reasons, but I don't know. It's not because i have realize how harmful it is for me but beacuse I just don't want it anymore because don't feel goo about having it anymore.
I reallize that to an outsider that does not do drugs(which is a really good thing, BTW), that this may seem obvious.
Please understand this was one of my acting-out behaviors.
I am a little worried that I will just trade one thing for another even though I don't even know what that is yet, but hopefully this is step in the right direction for me.
I know that I have many other bad habits to work on that are much more closer to me acting-out that is so much more directly related to abuse.
I just wanna feel proud about this step and the fact that, TRIGGERS, a week ago I was looking at a small mound of the white stuff, did one line, and came to this conclusion and flushed over $200 worth of it down the toilet.
I guess I just wanted to share that for no other reason that to say that I am Proud of myself for doing so!
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"