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#248779 - 09/09/08 06:28 AM This is so hard to talk about
frank1959 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 3
Loc: New Hampshire
I finally said something to someone the other day about the sexual abuse I went through in my life, from being molested by a priest at 13 to being drugged and raped by a man who picked me up hitchiking at 19 and again three months later where again, I got picked up hitchiking by a man who pulled off a dirt road by a bridge in Glouster Mass and tried to rape me. This person told me that I must have either liked what happened or wanted this to happen to me. That got me PISSED. This person called himself a christian and I am a pagan. He asked me why I "hated" God and Jesus and I told him straight out. I did not hate God I just did not believe in one who allowed this to happen to me.

Now I am trying to pick up the pieces. My life has been a living hell. Drug abuse, prison time, problems left and right. Yet what this christian said to me......How the hell could someone either like or ask for what was done to me?

I had run away from home when I was 13. The police bought me to a catholic church in Durham NH to take me in until the next morning so they could contact social services and get a caseworker for me. Well this "kind" priest decided to have sex with me. He told me if I told anyone I would not be believed and go to hell for telling "lies". At that age and growing up in the catholic church you were taught that a priests is the authority and you do what they say. This christian asked me did I get off with what he did to me. I told him yes, but at that age your body doesn't always do what you do not want it to do. Then he told me I wanted what this priest did to me.

Then in 1979 I was hitching a ride to Rockport Mass to go live with a friend and work there. This guy in a large RV picked me up. He asked me if I wanted a drink and I said yes. He handed me one of those airplane bottles of alcohol but when I got to the end of it I saw this stuff in the bottom of the bottle and it tasted terrible. About a few minutes later I passed out and woke bent over in the back of his rv with him inside of me. He then took me to a mini mall and dropped me off where I managed to call my friend and she came and picked me up. When I got to her place I passed out on her couch. She knew something was wrong but didn't ask. How could I tell her I had just been raped by a guy?

Three months later I had gone to Boston to sell some glass blown items and jewelry at the Boston Commons at a table I had there. I didn't make any money so I had to hitch back to Rockport where this man picked me up. Right before the bridge in gloucester there is a dirt pull off that leads down to the river. He took out a book of gay porn and had me look at it, then pulled out a knife and told me that he was going to do to me what was being done in that book. What he did not know was I had an army survuval knife strapped to my leg. I told him I was just playing hard to get, out the knife away and I would do alot for him. He put the knife away and I pulled out mine while I made it look like I was taking off my boot and slapped his head back, put the knife to his throat and told him to let me the fuck out of the car. He grabbed the knife and I sliced him good before he jumped out and ran away. I ran up to the highway and flagged down a cop who was coming down the road and told him what happened. He then opened the back door and asked someone inside if I was the one who just tried to rob him. He said no and I looked in and saw him and told the cop that this was the guy who just tried to rape me. Well we went to the hospital, he got stitches I guess and they checked my hand cause there was blood on it.

The next thing I knew the cop came in and placed me under arrest for Assault with a Deadly Weapon and Grand Theft. Things went down hill from there. He took me back to the scene and found the book and the other knife and believed me but the guy had pressed charges and once they are pressed there is nothing they can do about it. I lost my place, my job, everything, was made out in the papers to be a madman and things snowballed after that. I was homeless and lived in a deserted boy scout hall by the beach but got arrested for B&E. Hey I did commit a crime in that case. Well I ended up with two years probation, two years banned from Rockport and was told to leave the state.

Now I ask again, after what this christian said to me, who the hell would ever want something like this to happen to them? No one in their right mind and I damn sure did not like it one bit.

My life was spent in a haze of drugs, alcohol, and crime after that. I have done 4 prison terms and am now released since 2005. I have just begun to talk about this. People say that rape does not happen to men. Well they are WRONG and I am sick and tired of feeling guilty over all of this.

I contacted a law firm about the priest abuse. The other things I cannot do anything about. This priest I can. As for counseling I cannot really find any in the town I live in. After checking the professional site the closest one is in Maine about 70 miles away. I am on Social Security disablilty and do not own a car nor have a drivers license. I need to find someone who is professional in the area who can help me though all of this as I know that finally the tears are coming and the anger is VERY REAL. I do not want to end up back in prison by allowing this anger to get away from me.

Any one out there who can help me find a professional counselor would be highly appreciated


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#248783 - 09/09/08 07:22 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: frank1959]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
((frank1959))

Be strong my friend! While you are looking for and working with a counselor, use this site as a resource. There are many threads in the discussion boards with great information and stories from others with similar experiences. Making friends online here at MS can be very helpful and sometimes it's a great place to let off some steam. We do understand you and there are MANY wonderful people here for you to meet.

As for finding the counseling in your area, we have members up there that may be able to help and moderators that are better versed in this type of support. I'll leave that to them.

Good luck and I hope to see you around here on MS.

Your friend,

Michael


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#248787 - 09/09/08 07:59 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: M3]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
A great counselor will guide you through rough waters, Frank. Many of us have lived your story and feel your pain and hopelessness. It is that hopelessness that makes us feel alone and isolated. We are not. Here, at MS, you will find great men who understand and will give the support you need. We will be with you as you take your journey towards healing.

Lance


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#248793 - 09/09/08 08:29 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: frank1959]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
frank, your story is very sad. i am glad you are here now sharing this story with all of us and i hope and pray you find the help you need.

also, i know you have been through a lot, and none of it was deserved. please don't let what one person said allow you to cast aspersions on a whole group of people. a person calls their self 'christian' and only they know what that means to them. that does not mean they have it right.

we do not judge you here, and wish only to see you come to grips with what happened to you.

there are many awesome resources in this organization and on this website and i hope you can take advantage of the healing and recovery that can come your way through your experience here at male survivor.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#248802 - 09/09/08 09:35 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: Sans Logos]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
Frank,

First of all I would just like to welcome you, I am glad you are here.

I happen to not do organized religion, but I am spiritually minded.

Please do not let the opinions of a few, influence you over the opinions of the many.

There are special sections in several books devoted exclusively to clergy abuse.

Mike Lews book, "Victims No Longer", has a section devoted (for example), and is a highly recomended book.

If I could give one piece of advice it would be to not do this/go through this alone, those emotions you described at the end of your post can make you feel somewhat overwhelmed at times.

Another brother in recovery,

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#248812 - 09/09/08 11:03 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: frank1959]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

I am glad that you have finally let your story out; now the healing can begin!

My advice would be to allow healing to happen on its own now, by staying in the moment as much as you can. To help you in that, you can pick up some meditation tapes, especially by authors like Pema Chodron etc, so that you can learn to manage your emotions and thus your mind, because that is most of the battle won! After al, no one else can rescue you, but your, yourself, no wonder healing is a singular journey and it is supposed to be so, for only then can it be an empowering one too, so in the end, you can then give to other, what you didn't recieve, love, compassion, respect and dignity!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#248836 - 09/09/08 01:38 PM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: frank1959]
Joel Rosset Offline


Registered: 08/21/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Canada
Hi Frank,

Buddy, I've walked the walk and I hear you. Alcohol, drugs, prison, violence and acting out... as you well know none of it eased my pain. Therapy and self help books did though - I would not have made it to my fifties without either of those supports. I know that most men are not readers, but get yourself to the librairy my friend and get into their data base. You'll be amazed to find how much helpful material there is available. Look up sexual abuse of males...

As for the christian thing - I'd just write him off. I too was raised in a rigid Catholic enviroment so I get what you're saying, but please understand this. At the age of thirteen having a physiological response to unwanted sexual stimulation DOES NOT denote desire. Your body may orgasm and you can still hate the cause of it - that's normal for heterosexual men.

I'm sorry that the first chance you took to tell your pain turned out so badly, but you're in good place here. We don't judge, we don't condemn - we hear you and we understand. Please stick around.

_________________
The wisest of souls are the most deeply scarred ones

Joel (sweetboy)

_________________________
Wise souls are deeply scarred

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#248841 - 09/09/08 02:07 PM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: Joel Rosset]
conflicted Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Greenville, SC
Frank,

I am new to MS... and I have to second what Joel wrote. I have found MS to be a god-send. It opened up my eyes and heart to my pain, and the guys encouraged me to write my story... which I did. Not that this chapter of our journey will be ever be closed and sealed for good... but your post is a start. Any time you need a ear... PM me. We are in this together!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFfG9QUbEqM

_________________________
Masquerades are a lot of fun, until you see it is really your life.


my story...finally out *triggers*

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#248994 - 09/10/08 07:47 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: conflicted]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
Frank<
I am so glad that you found this site, your not alone any more.
Thank you for sharing your story with us..I am a christian Manfull of the Love of the Lord..I am still learning about God..But this I know God Is Love..He made you in his image and likness...why things like this happens to us? I dont know. I do know it is not in Gods Will..He only wants the best in life for you...If ir helps those guys will one day stand in front of Him and have to exp;ain there actions...I am so sorry
Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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#249011 - 09/10/08 01:54 PM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: wojax]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Frank - there came a time in my life not too long ago that I realized it was okay to let go. I wrestled with way God let this all happen, but humans have their free agency which God allows them to use, unfortunately on each other at times. I finally had to let that higher power take over in my life. My pride doesn't let it happen as much as it should, but it's a journey I will take the rest of my life. Starting here at MS will really give you that guidance. Please understand that we at MS really DO feel your pain because your pain is our pain. This is what makes us brothers.

Lance


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#249097 - 09/11/08 12:11 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: LW1527]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
don't listen to a cult. they don't know what the they're talking about.



Edited by inthegrass33 (09/11/08 12:11 AM)

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#249228 - 09/12/08 05:05 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: inthegrass33]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I'm really sorry you went through all that. What a nightmare! I really feel a lot of people just are not functioning at a level that qualifies them as human..morally, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. They look human, but they rape and lie and manipulate and hurt hurt hurt as they take take take.

I don't know jack diddly but I like to think that since there are most likely (as Carl Segan would say) billions and billions of life inhabited planets in the universe--if the number is even finite--that after we die we are reborn on whatever planet most resembles the world we most helped to create in our previous life.

Though that assumes some form of justice in the universe it also assumes that we earthlings were real pricks in our previous life, so I don't know if it's all that optimistic a view.

Well, ok I'm on a rant..sorry, anyway I really empathize and feel for you for what you have been through and wish you the best recovery possible.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#249347 - 09/12/08 09:26 PM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: LW1527]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 105
Loc: Long Island, NY
Frank - -
My heart goes out to you, man. Been through that, and I'm still dealing with the shame and guilt from being gang raped. I never really said anything to anyone - until I came here. The first thing I have to do is stop denying that it happened. Like you, I'm pretty scared that no one will believe me if I say anything. I've been through a lot too - we all have. I lost a son - a gorgeous little boy. And I always thought I could deal with the pain - I was THE man. Now I'm not so sure. I understand that healing is slow (I'm kind of new here, too) and I'm slowly trying to let it happen. I know I have to change a lot about myself - I don't like myself the way I am sometimes. I think we all do.
Heal, my brother. It's not easy, but you've got support here.

Oriolesguy


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#249356 - 09/13/08 01:19 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: LW1527]
frank1959 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 3
Loc: New Hampshire
Well I talked to a Social Worker to get some info from my files when I was a child in DCYS services. They are pressing forward with this. Because I was under their care when the priest molested me they are going to do everything in their power to see that justice is done in my case. That is a beginning. I've talked to two close friends about all of this. They were so supportive it was incredible. They have given me alot of strength and courage for what I am going to have to face.

Then I talked to my twin brother about it and I got a totally opposite reaction. He called me a liar and said the priest I was talking about could never have done that to me as he knew him. Well one thing led to another and I told him I never wanted to talk to him again. We were estranged for twenty years so not having him in my life is no real big deal anyway.

I'm looking into a local victim survivors group and was once with a counseling program in a twon about thirty miles from here and contacted my old counselor. She is going to hook me up with a referal with the same company that has a branch office in the next town over for counseling.

Just the fact that I posted this has helped. I haven't ever really let out the pain and anger and frustration I was feeling and I honestly cried for almost an half hour and let it all out.

As for a "religion" I am a pagan. I have been a practicing one for a very long time. I do not hold against other christians what these did to me, nor what the one I told said back to me in ignorance. I prefer my paganism though as it brings me great comfort and it shows in the work that I do with my photography. I've asked my higher good to come and help and I know that help is very near.

Thanks for the replies here. You all have been a huge help. It's good to know that there are others out there who have come through this or are still working on their situations and are gaining ground. I know I have a very long way to go.When the crap hits the fan and the state goes after this priest I know I will be in for alot of stress, but I also know that I am now 47 and I have survived this and worse. I know I will make it through with hard work, faith in my lord and lady and my friends.
Again thanks for the comments all of you and I will use alot of the advise I have received here.


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#249358 - 09/13/08 02:14 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: frank1959]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
YES...!!!

Oftentimes, it is HARD to talk about.

But the ONLY thing you need, you already have...


FAITH...!!!


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#249364 - 09/13/08 08:00 AM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: frank1959]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I have survived this and worse. I know I will make it through with hard work, faith in my lord and lady and my friends.


frank those things are really all you need. you have a positive attitude and a good handle on the direction you need to go in your healing. what a great witness to fledgling survivors.

keep us posted on the progress of the case. and i hope sometime if you feel it appropriate, that you will share some of your photography with us.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#263638 - 11/24/08 06:21 PM Re: This is so hard to talk about [Re: Sans Logos]
frank1959 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 3
Loc: New Hampshire
Well I guess this is one priest who will get away with what he did to me.

I have tried to get legal help. I thought I had a lawfirm to help me but they just kinda disappeared. So, another priest who messed up a childs life will get away with what they did here in this world. the Catholic church sure has a good line with their satan cause that is the only thing I can think of that is protecting these perverted priests.

Well at least I have this perverts name. I am a true wytche. That means I have sworn to protect those from harm against those who do harm. Looks like I will be going into my spellbooks and finding a certain curse I have that will guarentee that this priest will be going to the hell he so richly deserve to be going to.

As for me, well I will just have to deal with it all. Though I do thank those who have posted comments here to this for their help and encouragement.


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