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#248605 - 09/08/08 08:28 AM Uncovered deep root of my crush pain
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I was reading a post on another abuse survivors forum and it helped me to realize the root of most of my pain that comes from crushes I tend to develop that become quite powerful for me.

I put a link to it in a couple of threads, in the "main" survivors forum the title of my post tells you it's in there.

Anyway, it seems that increasing my antidepressant dose has been an excellent decision for me, things are getting clearer and starting me to make sense. There seems to a deep rooted and powerful feeling of inadequacy behind the pains involved in my crushes, and the realization came about from someone elses post. I thought it would be easier to cut and paste the original post since you have to register to read posts.

You need to register to read posts (I have hot/cold feelings about that I guess).



Original post (I'm leaving his username out)


"I'm probably gonna leave myself wide open to mis interpretation, but here goes.

I believe, that at some stage in a persons life, that you have a decision to make, consciously or subconsciously as to whether you will eventually have heterosexual or homosexual/ lesbian "feelings, relationships, or way of life"
By this I mean that we "decide" that we are going to be gay or striaght and as I said, can be done knowingly or unknowingly.

I was 14 when my uncle first started ab***** me, and I was at "that delicate age." I had a real good mate, whom I felt very strongly for, we were soul mates and did everything together. At he same time I had feelings for girls too.

My "decision" was totally ruined by my uncle, as well as everything else. Being forced to do gay acts and being raped obviously disgusted me and I could see myself having no other part in life except in the heterosexual scene.

I threw myself into heterosexual relationships, got married at 19, violent marriage on both sides and divorced at 20. Had lots of relationships until met and married my wife 18 yrs ago.

HOWEVER

Something has always niggled at the back of my mind that maybe this wasnt my "way". But the thought of engaging in such things with a man doesnt do anything for me at all as it triggers what he did to me.

Have never done anything like that and would be terrified of it as well.

That is part of my problem. Am I gay, am I bi sexual or heterosexual with thoughts and decisions that were ripped from me when I was 14 and just revisiting them now at a later stage.

Dony know if anyone will understand this or will reply, but was something I had to put in writing.

Oh by the way anyone can reply to this, you dont have to be a guy."




My response,


"Your post has helped me to realize why I react so terribly to thoughts about being sexual with a female. My first strong male attraction started when I was about 9 or 10, towards a 16yo neighber kid who was kind of a popular "bad boy" in the neighborhood. He did whatever he wanted. He was also a soccer player and was somewhat muscular for his age. He seduced me and thus it was decided that I was gay.

What I am realizing is that ever since that started I would experience terrible, terrible shame if someone asked me about girls, specifically sexual activity with girls, or why I don't seem to be dating. It only reminded me of what I had been doing with this older guy and that in order to justify my lack of sexual feeling towards girls, I would have to disclose my secret.

I certainly don't want this to offend any females, but to this day I still avoid any ideas of sex with girls because it causes incredibly intense feelings of inadequecy to surface. The last time these feelings surfaced was when a married guy I have a crush on here at work (still have this crush, have for years) developed a crush on a girl across from me. He was going out of his way to be extra nice to her, and it was drudging up a pain that I can barely describe. Everytime I thought of him trying to "get with" her it made my stomach feel like fire and my sense of self-worth would just vanish. Ironically, he's actually really cool and became an even better friend after I told him about my attraction to him. He seems to have a strong core sense of genuine-ness, sincerity and honesty. He also told me that I'm the only gay friend that he has ever had. It seems ironic that he has become one of my best friends.

I believe that if I hadn't been molested by that boy, which lasted for something like 4 or 5 years (in my mind it was a relationship), my sexuality would likely be more diverse. Hanging around this guy (my current friend) has helped to open my eyes to where this fear of women's sexuality has come from."


_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#248647 - 09/08/08 02:43 PM Re: Uncovered deep root of my crush pain [Re: cbfull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Glad to hear you've gotten some good insight, and that your meds seem to be helping; i remember having some good discussion w/ you on a recent crush situation of yours. Keep on keepin' on!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#248660 - 09/08/08 03:41 PM Re: Uncovered deep root of my crush pain [Re: dgoods]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks, and guess what? It's the same crush, but circumstances are different and we talk about it, amongst other emotional things. And no we have not acted on it.

I knew it was going to be a long painful journey and I knew that somehow this guy was one who could really help me through it. He's been an exemplary friend. Even though there's so much being drudged up, it's all part of recovery.

Maybe I'm tooting my own horn, but I have chosen to be brave and face the demons of this. It's been really rough, but the insight is coming and the flashbacks are being dismantled, gradually.

Thanks,
Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#248765 - 09/09/08 01:19 AM Re: Uncovered deep root of my crush pain [Re: cbfull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Craig,
So often instead of tooting our own horn, we smack our horns out of the hands of those who try to toot them for us... so keep that psychic embouchure sharp; practice, practice, practice!
;-)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#248786 - 09/09/08 07:57 AM Re: Uncovered deep root of my crush pain [Re: dgoods]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
dgoods,

Thanks for the inspiration, I feel totally crazy today, that is, emotionally out of control. Only one thing in the last few years has been identified to cause me to feel emotionally out of control, and that is flashbacks. I have been feeling this way for a week, and it is tied to feelings of abandonment AGAIN.

I'm ashamed to say this, but it feels like sexual abandonment, which sounds ridiculous but I have to treat it as valid, especially considering the nature of my abuse. It would stand to reason that once you have equated sex and love, sexual abandonment (real or perceived) would feel the same as real abandonment. Does that make sense?

I'm still looking for a new counsellor. It's a bit difficult since I am already in couple's counselling, which is going very well.

I hate feeling emotionally out of control, probably something we all could agree upon. I wouldn't hate it if I didn't think it was a burden on anyone. Yuck that was a very negative thought - need to replace that quickly. I might as well do it right here. I've been using this technique for years to weed out my own toxic thoughts, and it is the only thing that I have found to really make the biggest impact on my self-esteem.


Negative:
My emotional turmoil burdens my friends and makes them reject and avoid me when I reach out to them for help.

Realistic Replacement:
While it may make some people uncomfortable, good friends will not be scared off by it. It's likely that they just don't know what to tell you, which is NOT the same as rejection.


PS- Of course I had to look up "embouchure". Very nice!

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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