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#2478 - 08/26/02 05:39 PM Is there really answers
Happy Birthday ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Ever since I first started to talk about my abuse, my life has been upside down, I feel like I am all alone. My wife of 34 years asked me to leave after she found I had been looking at porn sites on the computer. What was I looking for, I don't know, perhaps someone to write in that they were having difficulty with their sexuality when flash backs of the abuse occurred. Perhaps I was looking for answers of why me. I now know some of the answers and I thank God for that. I know that I was abused more than once by more than one person. I know I am not alone. Are there any other married guys out there having the same difficulties trying to sort through it all?? Would love to hear from you.

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#2479 - 08/26/02 10:18 PM Re: Is there really answers
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I am going through something very similar. You can keep it together if you can have an open communication with your wife. Yes, it hurts a lot, but you can do it and get through it.

My wife caught me "acting out" and she almmost left, too. I had to identify my behaviors and look at what made me want to do it. Sounds easy, but it ain't. stay on here, read posts and you will see similarities.

I hope this is some help. I feel like I am being too general, but know you can do it.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#2480 - 08/26/02 10:41 PM Re: Is there really answers
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
My wife can't deal with the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride. It's a long story...join me in chat sometime. We are very much on the same page my friend, can't wait for the next chapter...Be well stay well.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#2481 - 08/27/02 02:23 AM Re: Is there really answers
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Check out the Friends & Family section. One member, "searching", who is the wife of a survivor offers some really beautiful words of wisdom to "jab", the wife of another survivor. One could apply the knowledge and experience contained within her post as a general guideline as to how to cope with the issue of sexual abuse in the context of a marriage. Very honest and compassionate.


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#2482 - 08/27/02 02:21 PM Re: Is there really answers
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ernie
you're not alone, many of us have kept the secret for so long that those we love find it difficult to understand why we never told them, but it was a secret wasn't it ?
I kept mine for 31 years.

I've kept my marriage, in fact telling my wife has saved it from certain divorce. Even the knowledge of my acting out, although hugely difficult for her to accept, is something WE deal with.

There isn't a cure for SA, it happened and it aint going away, but it can get better.
There's so many guys on this site, and elswhere, getting better every day. But I bet we will all tell you we can't do it alone. A good therapist, trusted friends and family and the support of other survivors will help the journey.

Be strong Ernie
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2483 - 08/28/02 09:33 PM Re: Is there really answers
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Ernie,

I told my wife about my acting out in a fit of anger. It just about ended our marriage. But that was 2 years ago. We'll celebrate our 33rd anniversary next February and I think we'll have many more. I kept the secret of the abuse (I won't even call it MY abuse anymore, I don't own it!) for 38 years. I still have urges to act out but they aren't as compelling and I know that I have a choice about what I do or don't do. Pornography is a big problem, it's so easy to find on the internet. I put my computer in the main living area so that I wouldn't be tempted and that works for me for the most part.

I agree with Lloydy (my long lost twin brother):

"There isn't a cure for SA, it happened and it aint going away, but it can get better.
There's so many guys on this site, and elswhere, getting better every day. But I bet we will all tell you we can't do it alone. A good therapist, trusted friends and family and the support of other survivors will help the journey."

Keep working at it, get the support you need and remember that you aren't the only one in the world with this kind of problem.

Take care,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#2484 - 08/29/02 07:30 AM Re: Is there really answers
Happy Birthday ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
The responses have been just great, If I can just get over this all alone feeling. It is obvious that many out there are going through the same thing I am, have had the same desires and are trying to sort it all out. Thank you,if there were ever a reason for a group hug, this is it. I know the journey is long and so far I have pretty much gone it alone but now that I have found NOMSV I believe the journey will be easier. Thank you.

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#2485 - 08/29/02 12:43 PM Re: Is there really answers
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brother Stephen \:D
Thanks for that.
I too have the computer in the living room, and I haven't been on the porn sites for 7 or 8 months now, it's the best way I think - a practical way around it. Even more so if you have children in the house.

If you're worried about what's on there, hidden away, then something like
< http://www.contentwatch.com >
will tell you what's in there, then they charge you for the program or whatever to remove it.
I've used it and it throws up some unexpected stuff, although the sexual references of sites like this come up as well.
But if you know your way around the machine I guess something like Norton's government wipe facility will erase it enough for most people.

And Ernie, the journey's easier already. The first step is the difficult one.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2486 - 08/30/02 12:27 AM Re: Is there really answers
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Yeah, it's been really tough on my wife. She's been great about it in many ways. When I first told her she felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. Now she understood what the problem was, what my problem was, that it wasn't all about her - me not wanting her, etc. I remember she caught me on a porn site late one night when I had said I was coming to bed. This was a few years ago - a few years before I 'fessed up. I'll never forget how distraught and confused she was. It wasn't as if she cared about porno per se, but was baffled by why I'd rather sit downstairs on a computer when I had a beautiful loving wife upstairs. At the time even I didn't know why I was doing it. The habit is decades old.
I really feel for what Ernie is going through. The helpless frustration of not being able to explain. To put your mind in theirs. I felt like a heel. And more self-contempt ensued. Another layer to get through. Ugh, right?
And as understanding as my wife is, every time she goes for me and I recoil, I feel the anger emanating from her pores. It's at that precise moment I feel utterly, irreconcilably alone.
well, we're not alone Ernie.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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