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#246517 - 08/25/08 06:05 PM Shitty funeral..shitty feelings.
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Went to my Mom's memorial service yesterday. There was no burial of anything--my Mom had her body donated to a university for medical science purposes, so the family won't get any ashes back for possibly years.

So we just had a kind of picnic memorial at a park beach. It was pouring down rain and the only shelter there we had to share with a large group of people celebrating someone's birthday.

Me and my Brother and Sister were the only ones who dressed up at all. I almost felt like I was in the wrong place the whole time.

My Sister sang a song and I played a little music on my flute and then the crowd next to us sang happy birthday to someone.

I just feel like my Mom deserved so much better. I would have rather just waited however many years for the family to get the ashes back and have a regular burial at the cemetery then have it done the way it was.

Then I also feel bitterness too about how one of my uncles who had been helping pay into my mother's house made a deal (which I was not part of) to buy out my mother's share of the equity that she paid into her house. Since the market is so bad right now and he could not sell the house right away, the deal was that he would split half of my mother's equity with me and my siblings and pay the other half "when the house gets sold" which this uncle is now living in and seems to have no intention of selling. He could well afford to just settle the thing and pay our share in full, but now he has effectively put off paying the rest of it indefinitely instead of just settling it with us.

A similar thing happened when my Aunt died. Most of the family knows damn well that my Aunt wanted to leave a decent part of her financial assets to my mother (who was still alive at the time) but a cousin just said something about finding a note in her house in her handwriting saying that it should all go to him. So to him it went and my Mom never saw a penny.

Everyone knows my Aunt would never in her right mind and of her own free will write such a note because she cared deeply about my Mom and would never have left her out of her will, but we all have just disgustedly accepted my cousins claims to everything.

Well, it was his Mother, but this was MY Mother, and where my cousin got EVERYTHING from his mother when SHE died, I'm not even getting HALF of my share of my third of what my mother paid into her house without begging and justifying to my other uncle (a retired lawyer) who is handling the money and thinks that it is his to bestow upon me as needed if I can convince him ..that I won't spend it all on crack and whores because he looks at me as an irresponsible fool who can't handle having money...I suppose because I've never really had any to speak of.

His explanation is that since I draw SSI, recieving all the money at once would cause me to loose SSI money, and were I to report it, that would be true. Well, fair enough, but that hardly explains why I now have to make a damn case to justify to him every damn thing I have to ask him for my money for ---such as a decent bicycle to get around on (being unable to drive).

"Oh, I could find a used bike cheaper than that!" etc. was his initial reply.

This isn't his money! It was my Mothers money that she wanted me to have! Not to beg my uncle for and do some song and dance to convince him I'm not planing on using it for drugs an whores. AAAAGH!

I don't like people who turn a death in the family into a big feud over money and I won't be part of that kind of scene, but it really does hurt though to not only loose someone important in in my life, but to then get totally shafted on the legacy it was so important to my Mother for me and my siblings to have.

I'm pretty damn depressed over the whole thing right now. I am coming to hate my two uncles who seem to think that money only belongs in the hands of those who don't really need it. \:\(























Edited by blueshift (08/25/08 06:07 PM)
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#246518 - 08/25/08 06:21 PM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: blueshift]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm sorry. I have no advice that would be legal to do to the uncle, so you're stuck with I'm sorry. Good luck.

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#246519 - 08/25/08 06:23 PM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I'm kind of wondering right now if I'm just being a milk-toast and letting people walk all over me. I feel like I am but I don't know what the alternative is.


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#246521 - 08/25/08 06:33 PM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: blueshift]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Don't you hate that? I feel like that as well about so much in my life, either I'm a door mat or a total b*****. Uncle sounds like a jerk. Wish I was an attoney, I'd help ya out.

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#246577 - 08/26/08 03:51 AM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: dangal]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Doug:

My dad's death resulted in $15,000 in legal fees and my aunt tried to make off with all of his antiques before they were appraised as estate assets. To this day, my stepmother, my aunt, and two of my five cousins are still mad and none of my family have seen them since. And my mom is only 77 and still has a few good years left, and my one sister is already squabling with my other sister and me over mother's future estate. So I know how it feels when relatives try to fight over or steal assets after a death in the family.

Is this "deal" a finality? Maybe your uncle should be forced to pay market rent. After all, rental vacancies are down and rents are up as a result of the credit crisis in real estate. I don't know what market you are talking about, but here in the Denver-area, houses are still selling, though at a bit of a discount, as there are plenty of bank-owned forclosures to compete with too. Maybe it would be better to drop the price a little to encourage an estate buyer or a flipper. I still think that you should run this scenario by a probate attorney and just see what he says. A lot of attorneys will give an inititial consultation for free or for low-cost. At the very least you need a legally-enforceable legal document, and quite possibly there are other, more-beneficial options that you and any siblings should discuss. Don't just roll-over and give your uncle what he wants on a silver platter. Take the time to do this the right and legal way, to protect yourself.

You are worth it.

Mark

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#246589 - 08/26/08 07:57 AM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: Trucker51]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
doug, this is a subject i can't relate to at all.

our family has no money to quibble over. this subject is very foreign to me and i would not know how to begin speak about it.

but i do not how divisive that that this issue is, and it hurts to be separated and torn apart like a rent garment.

power and money combined can make for such human deformity.

i am sorry you have to be part of that right now.

we already know how unfair life is as it is, now to deal with this too just pours salt in the wounds.

((((((( doug )))))))

your brother in recovery,

ron

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#246607 - 08/26/08 11:58 AM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: Sans Logos]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I guess until yesterday when I started talking about it with my brother in law, I just trusted my family to be fair in the matter. But the more I thought about the whole idea of my uncle settling on paying half and then promising someday, maybe, the other half just doesn't seem right at all.

Also it bothers me that this was a decision about money part of which rightfully belongs to me as inheritance from my mom, yet this deal they made was made without me. I was informed of the deal after the fact. I'm not really sure my brother was involved either.


So it really wasn't a deal at all. I never signed anything and I was never given any kind of choice. The whole thing just seems wrong. I think I am going to write a letter to this uncle..not the one living in the house but the one who's being the family financial manager and see if I can get some answers.




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#246642 - 08/26/08 04:27 PM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: blueshift]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Doug:

Just look in the Yellow Pages under Attorneys--Probate. There will be some ads for Attorneys with free initial consultations. You may have to wait for a call back. If you haven't signed any legal documents you still have legal rights including the right to object to any settlement between other involved parties. I will say that what you have said about this agreement has an odd odor to it. Lets say that the house is worth $200K. In most major markets, the rental would be around $1000/month. And what of other estate assets such as furnishings and automobiles or other real property owned? Have you had an estate sale yet, and if so, how were the proceeds divided? Have you seen a copy of your mother's will yet? Who is the estate executor, and what is your relationship with them?

Is there a will? If not, this deal might be initially better for you if everyone including you is a party to a legally-binding and enforceable document. Without a will, your mother's estate could be tied-up in probate court for a year or more after the estate sells the assets. You are right though: There are a lot of legal questions that you need informed answers to. See what you uncle says, then run that by a probate attorney with your other questions, and see what he says. Without anything more than a signature on a questionable document or a handshake, a wink, and a smile, this could be an attempt to get something for a lot less than it is worth, at you and your family's expense. What happens if the economy falls flat on its face and your uncle has to default? What happens to your outstanding equity??? I think that you had better know the answer to those kind of questions.

Just wanted to let you know what your legal rights are. These laws are for your protection.

Mark

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#246687 - 08/26/08 10:56 PM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: Trucker51]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
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Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Doug. I don't know that I have a lot more to offer than has already been said, but will let you know that I'm sorry to hear this is all going down like this. I can just imagine how stressful it all is. Mark has a lot of great advice from the legal standpoint above, and I would second what he said. Please take steps to protect and look out for yourself in all this. As a survivor, that's often hard for us to do, but I hope you will.

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#246783 - 08/27/08 02:53 PM Re: Shitty funeral..shitty feelings. [Re: Trucker51]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Trucker51
Doug:

Just look in the Yellow Pages under Attorneys--Probate. There will be some ads for Attorneys with free initial consultations. You may have to wait for a call back. If you haven't signed any legal documents you still have legal rights including the right to object to any settlement between other involved parties. I will say that what you have said about this agreement has an odd odor to it. Lets say that the house is worth $200K. In most major markets, the rental would be around $1000/month. And what of other estate assets such as furnishings and automobiles or other real property owned? Have you had an estate sale yet, and if so, how were the proceeds divided? Have you seen a copy of your mother's will yet? Who is the estate executor, and what is your relationship with them?

Is there a will? If not, this deal might be initially better for you if everyone including you is a party to a legally-binding and enforceable document. Without a will, your mother's estate could be tied-up in probate court for a year or more after the estate sells the assets. You are right though: There are a lot of legal questions that you need informed answers to. See what you uncle says, then run that by a probate attorney with your other questions, and see what he says. Without anything more than a signature on a questionable document or a handshake, a wink, and a smile, this could be an attempt to get something for a lot less than it is worth, at you and your family's expense. What happens if the economy falls flat on its face and your uncle has to default? What happens to your outstanding equity??? I think that you had better know the answer to those kind of questions.

Just wanted to let you know what your legal rights are. These laws are for your protection.

Mark


Thanx! This helps. My mind hasn't been able to focus well on this but I plan to try to arrainge a meeting between my sister (who knows a lot more about the matter than I do) and my brother and brother in law and figure out if this is all as okie dokie as it has been expected to be.
I cringe at the thought of taking any legal action, and would exhaust every other option first.

It really isn't a huge amount of money involved, but when you are getting by on less than $700 a month like me, it still matters.


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