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#248210 - 09/04/08 09:10 PM I don't know where I am at
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hey everyone,

I am pretty darn torn up right now about my sexuality and life as a whole. I started seeing this girl not too long ago and when we made things official I started to feel very vulnerable to say the least. I thought I could do it but the voice in me kept echoing I am gay or homosexual whatever. I up to this point have listened to this voice and discussed this with my T and parents who have been nothing but supportive. My feelings grew stronger and so I told my best friend and this girl that I was having thoughts about being gay and I could no longer see her. She was shocked because we had been friends for some time now and we even attempted dating on more than one occasion. Things were very sedated the next day as usual and that safety feeling came over me. I then went about my merry daily life.

Sometime after I started feeling better and this girl asked me to hang out which was fine. I decided to make a move and one thing led to another that night. I expressed my fears and confusion, informed her about my feelings and I was fine. The next day which by this time was yesterday that old feeling and voice welled up inside me and now I feel very emotional and uncertain of where I stand with my sexuality. She of course does not quite understand all of these struggles but hell who does. So where am I with my sexuality? I acted on feelings of attraction and arousal but yet I feel this way now. Yeah I can say that I am attracted to the same sex on occasions but it comes and goes just as much as with the opposite sex. I will say this for the last little while I have been afraid of female genitals for whatever reason. If I seek out a same sex partner which I am not sure I want anyway will the same feelings occur?

Do I want a relationship at all? These are all questions I don't know how to answer myself. I understand that labels don't fit but I want a sexual identity that fits. I don't know what that is but when I start something other than purely sexual I get this feeling of fear and all I can think of is retreating or saying I am gay or whatever else I conjure up. Am I in denial about all this? Am I misguiding my sexual feelings?

Every way to relate feelings seems to be linked to sex for me somehow. There has to be a sexual component to everything I do. I see people as sexual beings only at times. I feel this sensation in me, a yearning to cry out. Tears will form in my eyes but stay buried. I don't know anymore man I just don't. Sexual orientation and sexual abuse symptoms are not the same. How do you associate an identity when you feel paralyzed after you act on feelings?

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#248230 - 09/05/08 12:14 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Letourski]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Letourski,

I definitely empathize with you. I'm sort of in the opposite situation. I came out in college. I struggled with madness, social skills, eating disorders and faced many disappointments in love. The men I was drawn to were generally older, unstable and controlling. Yet, I felt demeaned being with any man at all.

Awhile ago, I developed my first crush on a girl. I thought about her as often as I've ever thought about any man. And, like you, I'm utterly confused. I'm nervous about being with a woman sexually. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I've never enjoyed sex with men.

My sexuality has also caused me a lot of torment. The only advice I can offer you is not to feel pressured to define yourself. The world isn't as black and white about homosexuality as society would have us to believe. I'm sure you've seen men who are extremely effeminate, but who insist they are straight, and will be straight for the rest of their lives. There are "straight" men who've experimented with other men. There are gay men who've later gotten married to women and had kids. There are all different kinds, and none should be judged.

Don't let your insecurities paralyze you. Don't listen to the logic that if you're aroused by men, you have a responsibility not to date women. Your only responsibility is to yourself. What's true for others may not be true for you, especially considering the abuse you suffered.

Find your own path, whatever that may be. If you want to pursue a relationship with a woman, go for it. If you want to be with a man, don't think it means you have to be gay forever. I can easily see myself married, and never sleeping with a man again. I "came out" eight years ago, and I'm still trying to figure out what I want.


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#248237 - 09/05/08 01:14 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
((Letourski))

Many of us have been there. I'm afraid that you may have problems with your basic desire:
Originally Posted By: Letourski
I want a sexual identity that fits

I don't think that is something we can choose and having it messed with by perpetration just isn't fair.

My first question to you would be have you every dated a guy and did you feel this way? Are there men you are attracted to? Would any of your friends go with you to a gay coffee house or introduce you to a gay friend. I guess my point is, is there anything else that is supporting the voice that is telling you that you are gay?

If the voice is only coming during or after physical intimacy and that is the only time you think you might be gay, then it very well could be rooted in a fear of intimacy, feeling unworthy of being sexually involved with anyone, feeling abusive for taking pleasure in the physical contact, etc.

If you are attracted to other guys, you may be bisexual or gay. You may need to test the waters to see if you really feel that way (and I'm not suggesting that you sleep with anyone, but just hang out and meet some gay men to see how you feel).

Bisexuality can be confusing, but sexuality isn't as concretely defined as you might like.

Maybe you can relate to my story and this will help.

For a long time after the abuse I tried to deny myself as a sexual being. Everyone else was, but I was screwed up so it was just easier that way. But, as you, I got to a point where I realized I couldn't go on with out human contact, craving affection to the point of crying myself to sleep some nights. As I began to open up, I found that I was attracted to anyone that I grew close enough to build a high level of trust. This is after knowing I was gay from a very young age. I think I stubbed my toe on every sexuality stumbling block on the way to rediscovering myself.

Don't pressure yourself. Don't expect an immediate, decisive decision. Just be open and honest with yourself and others and eventually it will feel right.

Hope that helps a bit.

Michael


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#248246 - 09/05/08 07:13 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Letourski]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
letourski,

i just wanted to note that sex is merely one aspect of a relationship that we have with a person.

a person is not their penis or vagina.

we ourselves were reduced to mere objects of sexual gratification, perhaps indicating for us that sex is meant to be separate from relationship 'with', rather than 'to' someone.

if you want to build your relationship 'with' another person, does is really matter for you which plumbing they have for sharing intimacy? skin is skin, and love and caring are expressed in the physical embrace.

that's all there is to it.

the bigger question is "how can i best 'love' this person"? what is it they need that only i can satisfy? how can i best honor them, show my support, care, dedication and committment to this person?

those are some good places to begin i believe,


good luck in your discovery of another,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#248698 - 09/08/08 07:53 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Sans Logos]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Letourski,

I read somewhere that we are bisexual to a point, on sort of a sliding scale, with straight and gay at opposite ends.

I have gotten really spun out over this issue, really to no avail.

I see you have already gotten excellent advice, so I just wanted to share where I am at.

I went from: I don't know to-/-straight with a twist. (bi-sex tendencies).

My point is, (I feel), WHO you enjoy being with is so much more important than focusing on sex. For me THAT part has taken care of itself.

Know peace,

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#248736 - 09/08/08 10:34 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: 1islandboy]
oneday Offline


Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
i am new here, and i am soooooo glad to see i am not the only one who goes through this.
here's my version;
i was sexually molested by my mother from about age 3 to 10.
(also physicaly and emotionaly well into my teens)
at about age 4 i started to crossdress and i thought i was a girl, or at least wanted to be one. but i was always atracted to males and females. in my 20's i even started to take street hormones to change my appearance even more. but i never wanted srs. as i got older i got into the world of bdsm,leather,latex,
etc and was hanging out where pre-op/non-op transexual prostitutes would gather. thats how deep into that whole world i had fallen. a completly over sexualized world of drugs,sex,and very dangerous behavior to escape the terrible pain i was in.
to this day (and more on topic!) i am still attracted to men and women that are very femme. genitailia does not seem to matter.
so i identify as bi-sexual/queer. i wrestle with the memories of my abuse alot , but not so much with my sexual orientation.
i figure we live in a pan-sexual world (jerry fallwell be dammed!) and i am just one of the many,many shades between pink and blue.


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#252281 - 10/01/08 03:54 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: oneday]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:30 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

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#252293 - 10/01/08 07:12 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dusty,

I've posted else where on this, so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

CSA screws with your sexuality. Think of it as a giant knot that you have to tease out where your personal identity, sexual identity, self-esteem, etc. are all tied up with the way the perpetrator made you feel about yourself, made you feel about your sexuality, etc. Over time, you'll be able to tease the pieces apart and identify them.

So for now, understand that this dream may be your real feelings, this dream may be an acting out because of your CSA, or it could simply be an urge you re-enacting your CSA.

Trying to sort out your sexuality at this moment may be difficult. You may need to do some sorting and healing in other areas to gain clarity on your sexuality.

Hope this helps you Dusty... Peace and love...

Michael


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#252376 - 10/01/08 01:35 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.




Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:29 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#252377 - 10/01/08 01:39 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Keep on in your jouney...its hard but at the end rewarding...I been through a lot fo your stuff too...now I tihnk as alot have said..it is with whom i feel more confy being with...time will tell the rest


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#252378 - 10/01/08 01:40 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dusty,

I'm glad you found MaleSurvivor. Congratulations on beginning your recovery! Make sure you read up on the forums. I know when I first got here I read the Survivor Stories, I just couldn't believe that I wasn't alone and that these people were here and I could connect with them. It was freeing and life saving for me.

There's so much content here to read and process. Take your time. And the guys on this site are so supportive, post any questions you have and you'll get thoughtful answers from guys who have been there before or are there now!

Peace and love Dusty, and again, welcome...

Michael


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#252688 - 10/03/08 03:12 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: sunwolf]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:28 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#252747 - 10/03/08 02:31 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dusty,

I'm glad you talked to your friend and you know what? It's OK for both of you to be confused. It's not the ideal situation, but hey, it's OK.

Our sexuality is such an integrated part of who we are, it's no wonder it gets screwed up from childhood abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse. It gets tangled in a know with other aspects of our life because we are experiencing feelings and emotions that we weren't ready to learn and all of the aspects of our life gets knotted up with the the lies, shame and guilt that our abusers left with us. Sometimes our sexuality isn't the first thing that can be disentangled from the mess the abuse left.

For me, the first thing I had to learn to do was identify the shame, guilt and lies that I'd learned from my perpetrators and figure out how to give them back. They weren't mine, I didn't want them because they hurt, so I found ways to give them back to ease my burden. And as I continued to tease out this knot, I found more and more stuff to give back to the abusers.

This process of identifying what isn't mine and giving it back made undoing the knot so much easier. But I still had a mess to put back together. For adult CSA survivors, we have a tendency to have three aspects to our sexuality that we need to meld back into one. First, is our true sexuality that has been twisted by the abuse. Usually, as adults, this takes a long time to identify, heal, and feel comfortable with - we could be experiencing out true sexuality, but if it is still tangled up with everything else, you may still feel the guilt or confusion associated with other aspects of your life that are still tangled up with your sexuality. It takes time.

Second, is our tendency to act out sexually as a reaction to the abuse. This could be with the same sex or opposite sex, this could be impulsive anonymous sex or serial monogamy, pornography or cheating on spouses, whatever, but these tend to be things that we feel guilty or dirty about later and not understand where the desires come from or why we act on them. All we are really doing is applying the lessons we've been taught by our abusers, but we think we are making conscious decisions to do these things - we really aren't.

The third is the re-enacting our abuse. This can be in physical, mental or emotional, but the abuse itself is what we end up seeking. For example, having to fantasize about being abused as an adult, or your childhood abuse to achieve an orgasm during sex. Or possibly entering into BDSM to have other act as your abusers in safe ways. The pattern I see here is that we tie the abuse to sexual enjoyment and are having trouble decoupling the two. But hey, again, that is what we were taught as little kids, what more do you expect?

The point is, sexuality is complicated and CSA makes it even more so. We can't expect to figure out our sexuality in a healthy way without being treated for the whole person. Recovery of the whole person allows us to get in touch with our sexuality, have confidence that we can take care of ourselves, identify behaviors and feelings that are directly related to or reactions to the abuse and deal with them, and, in the end, share our sexuality in a safe, affirming manner with someone we, hopefully, love. (At least that is my hope.)

I'm proud of you Dusty, for talking this out with your friend instead of acting out your desire. It's great that you are able to identify these desires and put them into context. You may not understand them yet, but that will come. Maybe you and your friend will become emotionally involved and have a physical relationship. Who knows? But since you've talked this out with him, you both can enter into it better informed. Making sure you each know the intentions and expectations before you act is important to protecting yourself emotionally.

Just know, for CSA survivors, especially during periods when we are in therapy or otherwise actively working on therapy, we can become a bit emotionally unhinged when good or bad things happen. Because we have really been denied many good emotions when we were kids, our body has trouble dealing with them as adults. It's an education process for our mind and body to learn how to handle good feelings and emotions! So, don't worry if you go on a roller coaster ride emotionally when something good happens. It doesn't mean it was really a bad thing, it was just a learning process.

It sounds like you have a great friend if he will talk to you about these things.

Peace and love Dusty...

Michael


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#252935 - 10/04/08 02:43 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:27 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#252942 - 10/04/08 03:28 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dusty,

He sounds like a really great friend. I'm not a therapist, but the first thing that pops into my mind is that as kids, we are taught to confuse love and sex. If you become attached to someone, it is logical to have sex with that person. As adults, that leads to impulsive behavior because when we like someone, we want to sleep with them. When we feel connected with someone, we want to sleep with them. (I could go on...) But the point is, everything leads back to sex. I'm wondering if you are becoming closer to this friend and the closer the two of you get emotionally, your mind and body is kicking in say, you should be having sex with this person. No matter how much your logical brain knows that isn't ever going to happy, you emotions and libido aren't rational and are going to do what they want to do.

You should really take your friend up on his offer to pay for the therapist. The therapist will be able to help you sort this out and help you recover from your abusive past.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#253141 - 10/05/08 10:29 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: sunwolf]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:26 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#253153 - 10/05/08 11:29 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
It depends Dusty, it depends. Get with a good therapist. Maybe you can make a WoR sometime. But the sooner you learn to give the abuser back his shame and guilt and can focus that emotional energy on healing instead of hurting, the sooner you will be able to reclaim your life.


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#253257 - 10/06/08 05:53 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dusty,

You ask how long it will take, and for the sake of comparison I can give you the case of an injury I suffered in 2000, when my right shoulder was crushed in a fall. It was rebuild through surgery and I had to go through a lot of painful and inconvenient physio - even had to "teach" myself how to write, type and pick things up again. I often wondered "how long will this take?" And I was shocked - devastated really - when I was told that probably I would never regain total use of my arm.

But I did the work in physio and tried to stay positive. These days I guess I have about 70% use of my arm, and well, there are just things I can't do. But the real breakthrough came with my attitude. I got past the frustration, and "why me" questions and focused on the options that actually lay open to me. And I get along just fine today! Yes, sometimes I remember the injury and the terrible pain I was in, and sometimes I think it's a real pain in the ass all the things I can't do. But then I find that I can regroup and refocus on the positive things and get on with my life.

I think that's what we also do as survivors. I see recovery not as a goal but as a path - an attitude if you like. I know I will never forget what was done to me, but I also know I can keep those memories from hijacking my life and ambushing me the way they used to. And mainly, I have learned to live in peace with myself, and with the world. That is an achievement that many people, including lots of non-survivors, never attain.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#253412 - 10/07/08 03:02 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: roadrunner]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:25 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#253440 - 10/07/08 05:54 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dusty,

I'm glad you are going to go to therapy.

Quote:
My friend is hoping that I will become heterosexual and I don't think I can or even want to. Why can't I be what I am?


You can be anything you want to be. Don't focus on your sexuality for now, focus on sorting out things and healing. Once you understand what your abusers did and unburden yourself with their shame and guilt, you'll know the answers to your questions.

As for your friend, he may just be hoping your attraction to him will dissipate so things aren't awkward between the two of you.

Peace and love,

Michael


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#253517 - 10/08/08 01:36 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:24 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#253566 - 10/08/08 10:10 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
1) If your friend is really trying to make you straight, you need to check out the doctor before you go or pick the doctor yourself or together so you know what you are getting yourself into. You need to be treated for the CSA, not for being gay.

2) You need to determine what you can do and work on what you can. Take your time and the work you will do on healing will be a positive experience. If you bite off too much, you may be overwhelmed and with everything else, it could be too much. Just take it easy on yourself. But if you have the opportunity to see a good therapist to work on CSA, you should take advantage of that. A good therapist will take your health into consideration.

Peace and love Dusty...

Michael


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#253809 - 10/09/08 02:04 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:23 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#253866 - 10/09/08 11:22 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Your therapist won't force you and if he does, you should probably find a new one. Be up front with his and he should be able to assess what you can handle and work with you in that regards.

Good Luck Dusty!

Michael


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#253881 - 10/09/08 12:37 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Letourski]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Letourski
I am pretty darn torn up right now about my sexuality and life as a whole. I started seeing this girl not too long ago
My feelings grew stronger and so I told my best friend and this girl that . . .
Things were very sedated the next day as usual and that safety feeling came over me. I then went about my merry daily life.

Sometime after I started feeling better and this girl asked me to hang out which was fine.


Dan,
I might have sounded something like you at your age. Except that you seem very couragious about describing yourself.

I think you might have the same thing I have had: DID (disassociative identity disorder). It would explain all of the symptoms you have described.
In fact you kind of said it yourself:
Originally Posted By: Letourski

How do you associate an identity when you feel paralyzed after you act on feelings?

I want a sexual identity that fits.

A symptom is to argue with yourself almost as if you hear a voice within
Originally Posted By: Letourski

the voice in me kept echoing I am gay

I expressed my fears and confusion, informed her about my feelings and I was fine.
voice welled up inside me and now I feel very emotional and uncertain of where I stand

You have a disassociated alter that is gay. You have another that is straight.
Originally Posted By: Letourski

So where am I with my sexuality? I acted on feelings of attraction and arousal but yet I feel this way now. Yeah I can say that I am attracted to the same sex on occasions but it comes and goes just as much as with the opposite sex.

The following statement is consistent with DID. You have emotions inside that you cant express. Tears don't flow. I have had these symptoms and so I've been there.
Originally Posted By: Letourski

a yearning to cry out. Tears will form in my eyes but stay buried.


I hope this doesn't upset you. DID is not something to be feared. It is not really so mysterious. Don't watch the movies about it (3 Faces of Eve and Sybil). They are misrepresentations. They will damage your thinking about it. If you have a T you should show him or her this note. If you don't have a T then you need to get one who knows how to deal with DID.

Allen

puffer


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#254105 - 10/10/08 03:59 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: pufferfish]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:22 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#254266 - 10/10/08 10:13 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Deep breaths. Breath in... hold it for a second or two... and then exhale completely. It may help to focus on a single point, a candle flame, an object...

Dusty, seeing a therapist and working on your sexual abuse history is a huge step. Most of us get very nervous and scared about starting therapy. Give it a try. Meet the therapist, see what he or she has to say. The first meeting is really getting to know each other to see if you want to work together. You might even write some questions on a note card so you don't forget to ask.

Good luck Dusty, you'll do fine. Remember to voice your concern about biting too much off with your physical condition.

Peace and much love...

Michael


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#254411 - 10/11/08 12:55 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Dusty. Just wishing you well in whatever you chose to do. Hang in there. Hope that you and the rest of us get some serenity that we so richly deserve. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#255327 - 10/15/08 02:54 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:22 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#255358 - 10/15/08 09:13 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Dear dusty42, PLEASE get help on those suicidal thoughts. My son comitted suicide years ago, why? we'll never know. When he did that act he killed his father (me) and his mother too, but only in our heart and soul. I am just coming to terms with my CSA from 50+ years ago. But I have decided that I have to move from being a victim to a survivor. If you can get the book Victims No Longer it would be a tremendous help for you. I wish you well in your struggle with CSA and homosexuality, but you do whats best for you. You are in my prayers (if anybody is listning upstairs). Again heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#255557 - 10/16/08 04:26 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:20 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#255590 - 10/16/08 09:31 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Dusty42, No you wern't created to be hated, neither was I, nor any others in this web site. I am ONE that doesn't hate you, and there are many others in this web site thaat don't hate you. So from this old man, I'll give you my true love, I'll give you my best wishes on your recovery. Like it says in the book Victims No Longer, we gotta stop beating ourselfs up on our childhood, we have to move from victim to survivor. So my friend I wish you the best. Heal well
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#255591 - 10/16/08 09:36 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Qu饕ec, Canada
dusty,

From me... exactly what Pete said - He summed it perfectly!!!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#255792 - 10/17/08 01:29 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: joelRT]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
No ONE is created to be hated...but loved...its a right...but as many rights we need to fight for it...together we can!!!


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#255796 - 10/17/08 01:40 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Letourski]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
well here it is , next friday already dusty.

don't forget to let us know how it goes/went!

and as far as change, the only thing you need to remember to change is your socks every so often.

have a day good man,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#255799 - 10/17/08 01:46 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: sunwolf]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:20 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#255803 - 10/17/08 01:48 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
take care...you are worth it...please...you are a precious life...and we are here for you...


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#255928 - 10/18/08 01:10 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: sunwolf]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, dusty42. Congradulations. See you are worth something, and we are here because we all are worth something. Take care my friend. Heal well friends.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#256116 - 10/18/08 03:04 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:19 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#256230 - 10/19/08 03:18 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, dusty42. Welcome to being confused, and not knowing where were at. aren't we all here? I will like you no matter what you or who you are. Just be yourself. Heal well my friend. Hopefully some day we'll get the serenity we all so richly desreve, no matter who or what we are.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#256308 - 10/19/08 02:02 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:18 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#256425 - 10/20/08 02:04 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, dusty42. Well in the Air Force we usually had nicknames, that were used after duty hours. Being I am of Irish decent and with my busted nose and ears that looked like dumbo's. I got the handle of Irish Moose. Nothing like the proper respect heh? Hela well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#256431 - 10/20/08 03:02 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.




Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:17 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#256460 - 10/20/08 08:15 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Married a German lady, bought a house in the boonies in Texas, she lasted 6 months, so I sold the house and moved back here to UTOPIA, as she thinks this place is. But my heart is in Texas. Heal well my friend.
Pete (irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#256517 - 10/20/08 01:38 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:16 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#256637 - 10/21/08 03:14 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
The Germans. I spent 11 & a half years in the '50', 60's & 70's off and on here as an Air Force member on active duty. It's a nice place to visit But, I wouldn't want to live here. haha
Ireland is a nice place, I haven't been there since the late '50's. I always want to go back, but now it is an expensive place to visit since thet became part of the European union.
Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#256696 - 10/21/08 01:27 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:15 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#257143 - 10/23/08 09:19 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
dusty42. The Irish are about the finest people that you will ever meet. They are very kind & they do love Americans, after all when the English were trying to starve them into submission during the Great Potato Famine, most of them emigrated to the USA. Their arrival there wasn't peaches and cream. I can (barely) remember where the signs in Boston read Irish and Catholics need not to apply for jobs. Buts the past.
Ok for your question.
I was sexually, physically, emotionally and mentally abused by my mother. She took a great interest in my Penis, ALWAYS making sure that it was squeakly clean, and dry. We very often slept together, real close, (I was the man of the house). If anything more than my mother playing with my penis, all the time I cannot recall as of this time. For sure this started before I was 6 yrs old, as I remember the air raid sirens going off in Boston, and the war ended in 1945 and beyond. Then I had a male perp, a friend of the family get to me for years, and he got me from both ends, I'm sure you know what I mean. Plus I was gotten to by total strangers. if you are inte.
rested you can go to survivor stories and read my secret my story, plus you can go to a Boy and his journey. Under my name. I'll gladly answer any further questions that you have. I'm not bashful as I'm 69 yrs old, and very early into my recovery. So dusty42, heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (10/25/08 01:23 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#257701 - 10/25/08 02:58 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:14 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#257715 - 10/25/08 06:55 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Come on dusty, you are worth something to me, you are a human being needing understanding, you got it from me, you need compassion, you got it from me. I also was useless, worthless and would never amount to anything. But my friend, I like YOU, for what you are. We here have all been abused sexually. We all lost a little boy, who never had a chance. But WE have the power to come together with that little boy and us and move forward. Don't worry about your sexuality, BE YOU. I sure hope that you can come around to knowing where you are at. Your here, your with friends who care about you, we'll pray for your serenity. So COME ON. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#257787 - 10/25/08 01:54 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
"I feel like a freak, especially because I'm a homosexual. I don't know how to change this, and like everyone else I have desires and I know I can never act upon them."

Your being too harsh on yourself and I am saying this in a caring way. You aren't a freak because your orientation. Relax and go easy on yourself. I too have trouble with figuring out who and what I'm supposed to be. You don't have to try to change what might be the course nature wants to take. As difficult as this is to admit, I have done somethings that would be considered homosexual too. My main attraction is women but I still get the occasional attraction to another male for some unknown reason that I have yet to figure out. Life is too difficult to try to place a quick label on yourself. As I have disussed with my therapist, most everyone is in the middle of the continuam of extreme left and right. You are normal, I'm normal. What I would say is not normal would be having urges like Pedophiles and rapists have. After I heard this from my therapist, it was a sigh of relief because I felt that I could drop and disgard labels I was trying to put on myself. Labeling myself only enforced my feelings of being worthless and hindered my heeling process. Hang in there, you have many people here that know how you feel and suport you. Remember one thing for me, you are worthy and normal. You will get through this, it will take time.


Top
#257816 - 10/25/08 03:15 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:13 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#257845 - 10/25/08 05:40 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Don't worry Dusty, we're here for you.


Top
#258003 - 10/26/08 06:22 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
dusty42, Please don't fear me, aren't we on these pages around you too? There was a president of the USA way back in the 30' & 40' and he said (to the country) THE ONLY THING THAT WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR IT'S SELF. Hang in there my friend. Heal well.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#258105 - 10/26/08 04:39 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:12 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
#258272 - 10/27/08 11:03 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Dusty, if you were like me, we had this stuff buried pretty deep. Something had triggered my memories to surace 50+ years after the fact. If something hadn't triggered it, I probably would have carried it to the grave. But in a way I'm glad that it did surface, as the lost boy and I can have some sort of a life together, but in a way I'm sad that we have to go through hell all over again, with all it's depression, hate, anger & shame and an emotional rollercoaster ride to boot. But I love that lost boy. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#258289 - 10/27/08 02:00 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:11 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky葉ry to take over the world."

Top
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