I am pretty darn torn up right now about my sexuality and life as a whole. I started seeing this girl not too long ago
My feelings grew stronger and so I told my best friend and this girl that . . .
Things were very sedated the next day as usual and that safety feeling came over me. I then went about my merry daily life.
Sometime after I started feeling better and this girl asked me to hang out which was fine.
I might have sounded something like you at your age. Except that you seem very couragious about describing yourself.
I think you might have the same thing I have had: DID (disassociative identity disorder). It would explain all of the symptoms you have described.
In fact you kind of said it yourself:
How do you associate an identity when you feel paralyzed after you act on feelings?
I want a sexual identity that fits.
A symptom is to argue with yourself almost as if you hear a voice within
the voice in me kept echoing I am gay
I expressed my fears and confusion, informed her about my feelings and I was fine.
voice welled up inside me and now I feel very emotional and uncertain of where I stand
You have a disassociated alter that is gay. You have another that is straight.
So where am I with my sexuality? I acted on feelings of attraction and arousal but yet I feel this way now. Yeah I can say that I am attracted to the same sex on occasions but it comes and goes just as much as with the opposite sex.
The following statement is consistent with DID. You have emotions inside that you cant express. Tears don't flow. I have had these symptoms and so I've been there.
a yearning to cry out. Tears will form in my eyes but stay buried.
I hope this doesn't upset you. DID is not something to be feared. It is not really so mysterious. Don't
watch the movies about it (3 Faces of Eve and Sybil). They are misrepresentations. They will damage your thinking about it. If you have a T you should show him or her this note. If you don't have a T then you need to get one who knows how to deal with DID.