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#248158 - 09/04/08 04:08 PM Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no'
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
never mind it



Edited by VN (11/14/08 06:20 AM)

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#248159 - 09/04/08 04:22 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: VN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
I am only now just beginning to learn how to say "No". I think it has to do with we never had the right to say it when the abuse was taking place - and either we said it and received brutal punishment, or we learned we didn't deserve to be able to say it.

For me now, the problem is to say "No" politely. I'm getting good at saying it ... no ... at YELLING IT in people's faces...

Even with people we trust - people we've been with for years - to say "No" is just completely foreign. At least, it was for me until recently.

I wish I had some kind of "sage advice" to give... but I don't. But I understand the frustration, and my thoughts are with you during this time.

M


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#248160 - 09/04/08 04:28 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: VN]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
VN,

I understand exactly what you are going through. I also suffered from the same thing. I would take on projects no one else wanted to do or change my life to accomodate someone elses schedule. I would always put myself last no matter what it was...I didn't count. My future and happiness didn't mean anything to me,it was always pleasing someone else. I finally decided that I wouldn't put myself in that position again. The first few times I told someone no, it was hard, but once I got past that it felt good to say no! I think you should try it a few times on smaller things...then move on to the bigger things.

Good luck!

Dan


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#248164 - 09/04/08 04:49 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: DanM]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Visha,
It's been a lifelong struggle for me as well; i'm only slowly getting better at it myself. It helps me to remember all the messy, horrible situations my previous complete inability to say "no" had put me in.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#248180 - 09/04/08 06:01 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: dgoods]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Same here VN, I'm a life-long people pleaser too. Here are things I remind myself of when I feel pressured into saying that dangerous word, "Yes."
  • As a child (or adult) we pleased others to get attention. But now we can give ourselves the attention so we don't need to please others and we can say, "No."
  • Our abuser(s) convinced us that we were not worthy of the right to say, "No." But we now know that to be a lie and we do have the right to say, "No."
  • Though our abuse, we felt like we lost the right to do what is best for us because we aren't good enough. But we know that we are good enough and must take care of ourselves first, giving us the right to say, "No."
  • Our abuser(s) made us feel obligated to them and their lies and secrets, but we are not. We are only obligated to ourselves and we have the right to say, "No."

I know that being someone who has helped you in the past and someone you may ask for help in the future, and because this is around the issue of employment, it is easy to discount our own feelings and feel obligated to commit ourselves to something that we know is not in our best interest. If the job itself is going to make you uncomfortable, maybe you can find some other way to help your friend that is better for you, or simply say, "No."

It really is OK to say, "No." As Dan said, it takes practice. Lots and lots of practice.

Michael




Edited by M3 (09/04/08 06:02 PM)

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#248277 - 09/05/08 01:34 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: M3]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Thank you all for the advice and 'feedback'. As it work out, the other person, no agreement for his work services could be found of it, so I will be doing this. As I say, it is something that many would probably find quite enjoyable, and parts of it I probably will, just not liking to be so very public. I rather people not to notice me so much. But it is the 'done' thing now, so will just do the best I can with it and try to enjoy it much I can. I will start more to work at trying to say 'no' appropriate though. Thank you.

VN


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#248760 - 09/09/08 12:21 AM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: VN]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
I too have had such a hard time saying "No". "No" wasn't good enough for the friend who pressured me into what happened. I didn't really get to express my feelings properly when I was younger. Yeah, it can be upsetting to think about the crappy situations one has gotten themselves into because they didn't have the "tools" to stand up for what they really wanted.

It can get better the more you do it, and it just feels right to honor your feelings by expressing your needs. But right now I think I am a bit saddened thinking about the messes of the past that not being able to do so got me. But I hope to use this thinking to learn.

Eric


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#248820 - 09/09/08 12:34 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: VN]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
May be its time to step out and shine!

\:\)

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#248862 - 09/09/08 03:33 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: Morning Star]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Good Luck ((VN))!!


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#248905 - 09/09/08 07:17 PM Re: Sometime still to difficulty to say 'no' [Re: M3]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I am now rather glad I did not say 'no' of it. It is to be more pleasent to me then I have think. (And I am working direct with a quite beautiful woman also!)

I guess, all things as they are meant to be.

VN


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